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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Drama Scripts  ›  For Those Of You Who Don't Know Me
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Don
Posted: July 3rd, 2018, 3:19pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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For Those Of You Who Don't Know Me by Devin Clarke - Short, Drama - An emotional closed off brother attempts to write a eulogy for his sister prove fruitless, until her ghost returns to show him how difficult her loss is going to be. 6 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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eldave1
Posted: July 3rd, 2018, 8:13pm Report to Moderator
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Several issues out of the shoot.


Quoted Text
INT. GRAHAMíS APARTMENT


Need to have DAY or NIGHT at the end of the slug.


Quoted Text
GRAHAM sits in a sharp black suite. Not a single hair out of
place. But something is hidden underneath his cool demeanor.
A loud CRUNCH of metal is heard, followed by police SIRENS.


Give us an age for Graham and some description.


Quoted Text
But the street is empty. This crash has already happened.


How could we know this? We're inside the apt. Also - doesn't make sense - if there were a crash - at least the cars would be in the street.


Quoted Text
GRAHAM
I donít know how this is happening
but since youíre here, have a look
at your eulogy? Iím almost done,
you can proof it.


Stopped here. His reaction seems totally unrealistic - he's seeing the ghost of his sister and his primary reaction is to seek assistance with proofing the eulogy??



My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Devin
Posted: July 10th, 2018, 9:24am Report to Moderator
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Hi eldave1,

Thanks for your feedback. I will look at and make these changes. This is all good stuff.

I think these are all easy fixes.  The crash sound can be cut, or there could be a POV out the window on the empty street.

And Graham could just stare at her in disbelief, awkward pause and she looks at the computer screen.

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eldave1
Posted: July 10th, 2018, 11:44am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Devin
Hi eldave1,

Thanks for your feedback. I will look at and make these changes. This is all good stuff.

I think these are all easy fixes.  The crash sound can be cut, or there could be a POV out the window on the empty street.

And Graham could just stare at her in disbelief, awkward pause and she looks at the computer screen.



Glad they helped


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Devin
Posted: July 10th, 2018, 5:23pm Report to Moderator
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They Did, I've dug into the script and its turning into a page one rewrite. So I hope to post the new version soon. thanks again.
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