SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is November 20th, 2018, 3:37pm
Please login or register.
Was PortalRecent PostsHome Help Calendar Search Register Login
If you wish to join this discussion board, please send me a message. Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Scripts Studios are posting for award consideration
October OWC Who Wrote What and Writers Choice
And the Hyper Epic pick is...

The Night Gallery 7WC Scripts

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production | Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Drama Scripts  ›  All Things Blue
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 1 Guests

 Pages: 1
Recommend Print
  Author    All Things Blue  (currently 228 views)
Don
Posted: July 20th, 2018, 6:02am Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
12561
Posts Per Day
1.93
All Things Blue by Steve Miles - Short, Drama - A fleeting moment of friendship leads a lonely young girl to a devastating truth. Drama, 8 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.


-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged
Site Private Message
StevenClark
Posted: July 24th, 2018, 11:11pm Report to Moderator
Yellow



Location
Upstate NY
Posts
1705
Posts Per Day
0.80
Steve,

Nice characterization, and very good use of setting and its props. Dialogue flowed well and sounded natural. Scene by scene, you slowly built this up to let us know exactly what the situation was.

Damn. This is heartbreaking, and it's delivered in such a way that makes me feel the hopelessness of Adel, and the sweet innocence of Iza.  I think it speaks volumes to the ways of parenting, as to how a parent always tries to protect their children. And what makes this story so affecting is the realization that the only thing Adel can do to protect her daughter is by telling, and making Iza believe, the story of the dragon.

Wonderful finale on the roundabout.

This feels more like Adel's story than Iza's. I only mention it because you seem to have consciously chosen the route of despair, which is more prevalent in an adult as opposed to a child. I wonder how this would read if it were reversed slightly.

I have nothing more to add, though. This is top notch work.

Steve


Logged
Private Message Reply: 1 - 9
Warren
Posted: July 24th, 2018, 11:50pm Report to Moderator
Yellow



Location
Sydney, Australia
Posts
1576
Posts Per Day
1.75
Hi Steve,

I think you know this by now, but I love your work and this is no exception.

Your writing is always so visual and emotive.

Itís a great story with a goosebump inducing ending.

SPOILERS Kind of

Really not the story you were telling but a part of me wanted this to be some post-apocalyptic world filled with dragons. They would never have to be seen, just like the planes. But you could play on the idea that itís the childís imagination and reveal it not to be the case.

Anyway... thats a complete side thought. I just got so excited at where I thought it might be heading.

A great little tale regardless.


To View All My Scripts Please Use The Link Below

My Website

My IMDb

Revision History (1 edits)
Warren  -  July 25th, 2018, 12:50am
Logged
Private Message Reply: 2 - 9
eldave1
Posted: July 25th, 2018, 12:18pm Report to Moderator
Yellow



Location
Southern California
Posts
3815
Posts Per Day
2.43
Really well written. Nice job here.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 3 - 9
stevemiles
Posted: July 25th, 2018, 3:02pm Report to Moderator
Green



Posts
673
Posts Per Day
0.25
Thanks all for the reads.

Steve, that's a interesting note on the perspective.  I toyed with a few different outcomes - one was to end with a degree of hope with the return of Iza's father.  In the end this version won out.

Same with the dragons - I nearly went there...

Cheers all, appreciate your time.

Steve


My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:


http://stevemiles80.wixsite.com/sjmilesscripts
Logged
Site Private Message Reply: 4 - 9
ReneC
Posted: July 25th, 2018, 3:16pm Report to Moderator
Green



Location
Vancouver, BC
Posts
517
Posts Per Day
0.20
This is extraordinary. Really great writing on display, visual and visceral.

My one beef about the writing is you go overboard with white space. Yes, white space is a great thing and the read certainly moves down the page, but the sentences are broken up so much it feels like white space for the sake of it. Not every sentence is important enough to warrant its own line.

I can't decide if you're pulling your punches or want to leave the ending open to interpretation. You do a great job with the undercurrent of tension and suspense, and when Iza goes outside that suspense turns to anticipation of dire consequences, but those consequences don't really materialize. Maybe Iza should have been killed. Maybe her actions should lead to their definite deaths. The last reactions are lacking something, this isn't just another fly-over, Iza's actions caused it and Adel should react accordingly. Again, what are the consequences other than Iza's loss of innocence that's really just her growing up a little bit?

It's close to perfect. For me, the ending just doesn't have the impact it deserves.


Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 5 - 9
LC
Posted: July 25th, 2018, 11:08pm Report to Moderator
Yellow


Do you like to eat pie after a good movie?

Location
The Great Southern Land
Posts
2841
Posts Per Day
0.77
Apologies upfront for being the dissenting voice, but I feel this didn't hit me where it should have.

Shouldn't it be Adel's house in the opening Slugline?

Is the blood in the water from her scrubbing the potatoes? Symbolism?

I have no idea where we are, the time period, etc.

Is it The Blitz?

The line about the six-seater - meh.

I'm a fan of your writing too, Steve, but I found this somewhat underwhelming.

Bit repetitive the descriptions of crayons, drawing, dragons, and strangely some descriptions sucked out the suspense for me. The threat of the enemy also seemed diffused somehow.

Adel uses the game to distract Iza obviously, but I never sensed either character's real fear or alarm. Needs ramping up imh, especially at the point Iza has fled outside. Even changing two words: 'breathless with worry' to hyperventilating, panicked, or can't catch her breath, - and her running to get her daughter, Adel's POV from the house or running out the door, looking to the sky and back, would elicit more feeling from reading.

No doubt it would work better on screen but your written blueprint has to get the adrenaline pumping too and it just read a little played down for me.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 6 - 9
stevemiles
Posted: July 26th, 2018, 5:36pm Report to Moderator
Green



Posts
673
Posts Per Day
0.25
Rene, Libby, thanks for the notes.  Seems people are taking different things from this, which is no bad thing, the feedback is always welcome.      

Thereís a degree of interpretation to the ending, which is deliberate.  I felt for the most part people would infer that they were caught in the bombing, but it didnít feel right to make their deaths a certainty.  I felt that too bleak an ending (which is perhaps pulling punches at the same time).  The  focus, for me, was revealing the situation they were in rather than the outcome.

I think Adel treating the raids like a game and trying not to alarm Iza is where some of that tension becomes dampened.  Iíll have a rethink on Adelís reactions to ramp that up a notch.

Rene, I can see what youíre saying about the white space, particularly at the outset.  I like the idea of form following content to a certain extent - kind of a way to set the tone and pacing, hence breaking up the passages a bit more here.  Maybe it works; maybe it detracts?  I donít know, I change my mind with every script.

Libby, fair enough on the timeframe; it never really occurred to me to make it overtly known.  Thereís a few hints as to the era but I wanted this to be as universal as possible with the idea it could be used to illustrate a real situation or an entirely fictitious one.

The blood in the water was just to show how upset/distracted Adel was by her daughter that she nicks herself - really just to suggest something is very wrong here.

Thanks again to you both for taking the time.  If I can return the read, let me know.

Steve


My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:


http://stevemiles80.wixsite.com/sjmilesscripts
Logged
Site Private Message Reply: 7 - 9
Warren
Posted: July 26th, 2018, 6:02pm Report to Moderator
Yellow



Location
Sydney, Australia
Posts
1576
Posts Per Day
1.75

Quoted from stevemiles

Thereís a degree of interpretation to the ending, which is deliberate.  I felt for the most part people would infer that they were caught in the bombing


Exactly what I took from it, hence the goosebump inducing ending. Those THUMPS getting closer and closer then CUT TO BLACK. Fantastic.



To View All My Scripts Please Use The Link Below

My Website

My IMDb
Logged
Private Message Reply: 8 - 9
ReneC
Posted: July 26th, 2018, 6:59pm Report to Moderator
Green



Location
Vancouver, BC
Posts
517
Posts Per Day
0.20
Just goes to show where my mind is at. I took this as a post-apocalyptic story, not contemporary and normal. Establishing the setting really is important.


Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 9 - 9
 Pages: 1
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Short Drama Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006