Mass Karma by Daniel Walker - Short, Drama - A selfish husband leaves his loyal wife, along with an unexpected parting gift. 8 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hi Daniel

Nice short action/description blocks - Easy to read and clear visuals in my head

Slight overwriting in places which could be reworked (this would help remove some of the orphans which is a hot topic around here) - for example - "Janey angrily responds by throwing punches into Garth’s chest" - The action is a response, so no need to tell us she responds, also think the "angrily" is superfluous as we know by the action and the preceding exchange she is angry.

The story is fine, I disliked Garth, I felt sorry for Janey - I was happy with the "Karma wins" ending. Although, the reveal I felt was flat in the way it was delivered - just through a conversation with a reporter - felt like it could be better.

What this short suffers from most is the dialogue - It's basically Janey just yelling exposition at us - and I know that in arguments people tend to throw stuff back in their partners face, but didn't feel like an authentic argument to me.

These are just my opinions. Hope something helps

Matt

Hi Daniel,
I enjoyed the piece. I'm not sure if Garth would admit that he is moving away because he found somebody else. He would be probably lying and Janey could find out later by some coincidence. The twist at the end is very good, happy ending is good - the villain is dead and Janey is rich!

Matt,

"Janey angrily responds by throwing punches into Garth’s chest"
- The action is a response, so no need to tell us she responds, also think the "angrily" is superfluous as we know by the action and the preceding exchange she is angry.

Good point. Thanks for that.
..........
Marcela,

Thanks for the read and the comments.

Cheers,

Daniel