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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Drama Scripts  ›  Misfortune of Others
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Don
Posted: February 17th, 2019, 3:04pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Misfortune Of Others by Creed Kat - Short, Drama - A woman walks into a police station and talks about murder that's yet to be determined.  2 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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Matthew Taylor
Posted: February 18th, 2019, 8:04am Report to Moderator
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Hello to you

I'm not sure what is happening in this story, it may have gone over my head.

Anyway, I think I can help a bit with the writing. I'll take your opening and work from that


Quoted Text
INT.INTEROGATION ROOM.POLICE DEPARTMENT- EVENING

EDITH KEEN, a 25 year old woman with a domineering,
manipulative and loyalist personality walks into a police
department and talks about a murder that nobody's aware of.

She sits behind the desk, alone, staring into the glass in
front of her, aware she's being watched.


Scene headers are important - when you change location, you need a new one.
Take yours for example - You put us in an interrogation room, then in the opening action block the protag walks into a police station - It's not the same location.
Also, I beleive that primary location comes first, then secondary - so it would be
INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERROGATION ROOM - DAY

Character description - you tell us about her personality, but all we have seen from her is her walk - how does a domineering manipulative loyalist walk? I dunno, you need to show us personality traits - With character descriptions stick to things we can visualize and give us the essence of the character.

The following line is odd "talks about a murder that nobody's aware of" - who is she talking to? what is she saying? why isn't this in dialogue?

You haven't told us anything about this room either - interrogation rooms can differ greatly, set the scene with your location.

Hope something helps.

Good luck with your writing

Matt


Feature

42.2

Two steps to writing a good screenplay:
1) Write a bad one
2) Fix it
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XM
Posted: February 20th, 2019, 3:59pm Report to Moderator
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Thank you for the advice. It was really helpful, I'll try and get better at this going forward.
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