All Good by Ben Clifford- Short, Drama - When his father is released from a mental institution, a confused teenage boy begins questioning his mother about his father's return to the family home. 21 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Ben - gave this a read.

Quoted Text THOM I just don’t like maths.

math.

Quoted Text Thom sits at the bedside as GRAHAM (40s), a heavy-set masculine man lays in a bed. The same Nurse as before supervises their interaction. Graham smiles.

lies or lying in bed - not lays.

It's kind of clumsy. Maybe:

Thom sits at the bedside of GRAHAM (40s), a heavy-set,
masculine man.

The same Nurse as before supervises their interaction. Graham smiles.

Quoted Text He looks to nurse, not quite believing him. She nods, smiling happily.

the NurseGRAHAM

Quoted Text I’m going to teach you how to drive out there, too. At least until I move back in with you guys.

no comma after there.

Quoted Text Thom walks to a landline on the wall, picking it up. He dials. An automated voice answer.

answers

Quoted Text VOICE (O.S) Thank you for calling the Dawson Shire Council. If you are calling about the water quality, please dial one.

A nit - but this technology did not exist before keypads on phones (as opposed to dials). i.e., it was press one - not dial one.

Quoted Text On screen: an news ANCHOR.

Should be: a NEWS ANCHOR

Okay - the story - you had me all the way to the end. A lot of great poignant moments very nicely written and the angst leaps off the page - I really liked the subtle approach.

But the ending felt incomplete to me. Luke unresolved - hope that makes sense somehow.

Thanks Don for posing this so quickly Don.

I'm about to replace the PDF with the one where I fixed the typos...sorry you had to read this copy Dave.

Re: maths/math. "Maths" is how we say 'math" in AU, never heard an Australian call it 'math'.

Hopefully the other errors are fixed in my new PDF.

Thanks for the read Dave

EDIT: I forgot to add that this is something I wrote the opening for about a year ago and then randomly wrote the rest last week. It’s autobiographical hence the “2007� setting which doesn’t really impact the plot, I guess.

So before I comment further, Ben, I can stop with individually picking out the typos for you? No offence but 10 so far! Were you in a hurry?

More general story comments will follow...

Had written most out, so...
Okay, I see your excuse.  

Is it Mrs or Mr Larkin? See that one at the top?

Ceilings (typo)
My dad says your dad (should be lower case cause you wouldn't say 'my Graham)
(CONT.)
(CONT)
How about just get rid of the CONT unless going over the page?

Lies (as Dave pointed out) not lays
To the nurse
Rural and suburban?
Dressed nice/ nicely?
He goes to the private school
In front of the TV or, while watching the TV perhaps?
A NEWS Anchor, not an
Should be: Protests (Typo)
Street protest
Organised for you
Your mum (lower case)
Accelator.  accelerate
Don’t think you need a semicolon after shift gears
I don’t think you need all the CUT To's either, least not as many as you have.
Embaressed typo
Bedroon typo
(CONT) Typo
Suggestion: some more wine/ a refill?
Oppurtunity Typo
Should call Mr Larkin a guidance counsellor up front, even though I got the gist.

Are you sure Scott wasn’t
Calling you a fruitcake?
Huh? The counsellor asks this??
its' Typo
hime Typo
knoww Typo
You know embaressing that was – Typo alert yet again.

Atleast (insert space)
sit by newspaper (s)
goverment
tlaking

Okay, now that's out of the way...

Clearly this is written from one who has lived it. You're not alone there btw. Full credit to you for the authenticity without overload, hysteria or melodrama and glamourising even, which can sadly creep in to the writing of mental illness.

Combining it with pubescent homosexuality coming of age and just peer pressure/school clique struggle (which you also don't lay on thick) is all the more resonant and touching.

Love this line:

...And he’ll get sick again. And he’ll get better again. I’ve know him longer than you. I’ve known him for twenty years years longer than you.

What can I say? Storywise it was a pleasure to read.

You nailed young Thom, his hesitancy to divulge much to his counsellor, the relationship sadness with Fraser, touches of humour etc.

I do wonder at the opening V.O. I was longing for a bit of top tail there. Seems a bit unfinished. I wanted Thom's voice in V.O. again at the end -- if this is a Short. If it's part of a feature length then okay.

P.S. speakers of American and Canadian English use math, while speakers of British, Irish, and Australian English favor maths. There's no real logical explanation as to why math became preferred in some places while maths was elsewhere. dictionary.com

Which means, Dave, we speak funny... Or, maybe it's you guys who do.  

Hey!!! I can explain the typos. When I write a short I export a PDF to read it for errors to fix (I can't spot errors in the actual text entry for some reason). In this case I uploaded the initial PDF instead of the fixed one...

I think I updated the file on Dropbox now sorry Dave and LC!

Quoted from AlsoBen Hey!!! I can explain the typos. When I write a short I export a PDF to read it for errors to fix (I can't spot errors in the actual text entry for some reason). In this case I uploaded the initial PDF instead of the fixed one... I think I updated the file on Dropbox now sorry Dave and LC!

No problem.  Just means you have a Type O personality

Thanks for the kind words LC! I am very proud of that line

Hi Ben,

This script is amazing to read. It has the essence of subtlety without any melodrama or whatsoever. It is sufficient to say that the writing depicts the mental condition of Thom in a nice way. Not flashy or anything like that.

Damn those scenes where Thom sees the refugee and jacks off later, it was a nice visual depiction of homosexuality. I mean this positively. The venerability of Thom was captured nicely.

Enjoyed this one.

Good luck.

Thanks Yuvrej!

I wanna adapt this into a feature - but need more feedback (thanks everyone so far) particularly around how it's plot could lend itself to a longer narrative (because it's half autobiographical at this point, I'd have to do some personal digging if there's not enough plot here).

Willing to trade a short review.

Hi Don, the link to my script here appears dead and I have a newer draft I'd love read here.

Can the link at the OP be changd whenever there is time?

Thanks, Ben

P.S - still working on adapting this as a feature, but because it's probably my strongest short I've written this year I thought I'd spend some time rewriting it.

EDIT: The new draft isn't massively changed, just trimmed one or two scenes based on feedback. I also changed some names as this as semi-autobiographical and I used real people's names in the first draft...very silly.

Changed the link for you in the OP, Ben.

Check it to see it's current and AOK?
Hang tight, might have missed something code-wise.

Not sure what happened but this is the direct link: https://www.dropbox.com/s/6sm040ma3uoq7yd/ALL%20GOOD%20%281%29.pdf?dl=0

Try now, it should be right.

Yep she's good! Thanks LC.