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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Dramedy Scripts  ›  Driving Miss. Lillie
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  Author    Driving Miss. Lillie  (currently 464 views)
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Posted: October 23rd, 2016, 5:39pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Driving Miss. Lilllie by Rodrigo Baumgartner Ayres - Short, Dramedy - Workaholic and alcoholic dad comes pick up his rebellious daughter at school. They go for a drive. 17 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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Bob
Posted: October 24th, 2016, 3:02pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Rodrigo,

I really enjoyed the banter between the father and daughter. Your dialog flow was pretty solid but I ended the script wanting a bigger plot.

Bob

Come over and read River Runners if you get some time.
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RichardR
Posted: October 27th, 2016, 9:12am Report to Moderator
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Some notes.

I like this one in many ways.  A teenage girl works her father after he picks her up at school.  The banter is good, a mix between grown-up and little girl.  But there's a bit too much of it.  The story doesn't really take off till she gets behind the wheel, which I think you can do more quickly.  Also, you need to use a comma in a direct address.  'It's time to go, Bill' is not the same as 'It's time to go Bill.'    

The dialogue is nice but can be scrubbed.  Dad and daughter are going to pack a lot of meaning into a few words.

Best
Richard
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Director Ayres
Posted: October 28th, 2016, 5:46pm Report to Moderator
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Hank you for feedback guys. working on revisions!
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Simon
Posted: September 3rd, 2017, 9:43am Report to Moderator
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Jeff has done very well to remain out of jail. Surely Lillie's teachers or whatever would have concerns about Jeff's overt criminality. It seems to be almost constant. Even so the father and daughter have an interesting relationship with each other and your script has a fair bit of action in it. I still wanted more, though. Getting the police involved would have made your work more exciting, definitely.


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