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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Dramedy Scripts  ›  Lifestyles of the Rich and Poor
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  Author    Lifestyles of the Rich and Poor  (currently 573 views)
SimplyScripts
Posted: January 12th, 2017, 7:08pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Lifestyles of the Rich and Poor by Skip Byrd - Short, Dramedy - A antisocial personality disorder diagnosed young man overcomes his fear by having life planned out for him as he deals with friends and family.  13 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
SimplyScripts  -  January 21st, 2017, 12:09pm
revised draft
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eldave1
Posted: January 13th, 2017, 8:03pm Report to Moderator
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Skip: Issues abound. This is not close.


Quoted Text
INT. TORONTO NIGHT
FADE IN:


- The FADE IN comes first.
- The scene heading is not formatted correctly. Should be: INT. TORONTO - NIGHT
- How is "Toronto" an interior location??????

Next line:


Quoted Text
Freddie is in the hospital for treatment and

Dr. Pearlstein is having a conversation with him.


There is a blank line in the middle of this sentence.
Freddie should be CAPPED as well as Dr. Pearlstein. All character names are CAPPED when first intro'd. Also some description of the characters certainly would be helpful.

No need to number scenes.

Okay - I'm going to stop. There are issues throughout. I don't mean to be harsh, but you need to learn some of the basics.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Skip
Posted: January 15th, 2017, 9:45am Report to Moderator
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Sorry, I'll give you a revised draft.

SCRIPTS:
Fragile X http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1483571716/

Revision History (1 edits)
Skip  -  January 15th, 2017, 11:03am
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RichardR
Posted: January 17th, 2017, 1:34pm Report to Moderator
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Some notes.

This one needs work.  The English is flawed, and the story meanders without real purpose.  The characters need to be fleshed out and given more motives.  There really isn't a story her, just some scenes and dialogue meant to be provocative.  Keep reading good scripts.

Best
Richard
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