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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Family Scripts  ›  First Day
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Don
Posted: February 11th, 2017, 12:48pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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First Day by Gregory Mandarano - Short, Family - In a world where first grade starts today, a young boy must survive the day in order to make an important date. 5 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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GregoryM
Posted: February 12th, 2017, 12:10pm Report to Moderator
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RichardR
Posted: February 15th, 2017, 3:53pm Report to Moderator
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Some notes.

This one works just fine for me--until the end.  Did I miss something?  Was there a hint that this was a special day, a day Josh would be going to the cemetery?  I must be dense.  In any case, I was right there with you until then.  If Josh had ended the day in front of the TV watching Ninja warriors, that would have been good enough for me.  

Good job.

Best
Richard
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GregoryM
Posted: February 17th, 2017, 4:15am Report to Moderator
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You're actually right.

Having the kid watching Ninja Warriors at the end works better.

I wrote this an exercise and wanted it to be no longer than 4 pages. There isn't enough time to properly set up the cemetery ending and I think the route I went is so ambiguous and subtle it doesn't make a difference.

Having it be the time Ninja Warriors starts I think is actually cuter.
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