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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Family Scripts  ›  Numbers: 16
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Don
Posted: April 2nd, 2017, 10:09am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Numbers: 16 by Alan Clark - Short, Family, Action, Drama - When challenged for power by a group of angry followers, Moses leaves it up to God to decide who’s who and who’s not who. 9 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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Warren
Posted: August 9th, 2017, 6:53pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Alan,


Quoted Text
with earrings
hanging out of every orifice


Technically they would only be hanging out of his ears. Does he have nose rings, eyebrow rings, is that what you mean?


Quoted Text
DATHAN
slams his hand against a wooden post. He looks at Korah
before his emotions spew forth before the congregation


I don't like this constant use of formatting choice, it really messes with the read "Dathan slams his hand..." achieves the exact same purpose, our focus is still on Dathan.

That was tough to get through. Not for me.

I think the general formatting has room for improvement.

Story wise, this will divide people because of the subject matter. I'm not going to turn this into a religious discussion, but for me the story was still lacking in substance.

All the best.


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Simon
Posted: September 6th, 2017, 6:14am Report to Moderator
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How does someone get fat in the desert? Anyway, I'm not sure what to say about this one, really, as I've never been a fan of biblical films. As far as I know this was a perfectly reasonable script, but to me I found it a bit dull. That's not surprising as the subject was so serious. I think making your script more entertaining would be inappropriate, so this is a tough one. As far as I'm concerned I didn't really think anything was wrong with it. If you ever got this filmed, maybe all the action could compensate for the seriousness.


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