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Frecklebug - WT (currently 2896 views) |
Don |
Posted: April 2nd, 2018, 11:24am |
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AdministratorAdministrator So, what are you writing?
LocationVirginia Posts16381 Posts Per Day 1.94 |
Frecklebug by Anthony Cawood (AnthonyCawood) writing as XXX - Short, Family, Children's Fantasy - A father reassures his daughter about her freckles, neither of them realising the magical nature of their creation. 3 pages - pdf, format
Writer interested in feedback on this work |
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Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown) |
Don - April 20th, 2018, 9:42pm | | |
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MarkItZero |
Posted: April 2nd, 2018, 1:16pm |
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Old Timer
Posts1007 Posts Per Day 0.35 |
Lighthearted and fun. Weird alien bug. I'll take it! |
| That rug really tied the room together. |
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Reply: 1 - 24 |
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AnthonyCawood |
Posted: April 2nd, 2018, 2:54pm |
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January Project Group
LocationUK Posts4319 Posts Per Day 1.14 |
Nice premise, think the bug needs more to bring it life. |
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JEStaats |
Posted: April 2nd, 2018, 4:09pm |
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Old Timer No sh*t, there I was....
LocationTucson, AZ Posts1735 Posts Per Day 0.62 |
This could easily go horror with little effort. It's sweet but makes my skin crawl too. What is that bug doing to leave that mark?!
Nice story. Simple and effective. |
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HyperMatt |
Posted: April 2nd, 2018, 4:40pm |
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New
LocationLondon, UK Posts440 Posts Per Day 0.17 |
Not usually my thing a cutesy story, but I thought it was quite good for a one pager. Especially the end, sense of magic, reminded me of Pan's Labyrinth. |
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ScottM |
Posted: April 2nd, 2018, 8:37pm |
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Posts49 Posts Per Day 0.02 |
What's BG stand for?
So is this a fantasy world where this is normal, or a fantastical occurrence in the real world?
Hard to give it what it need in one page. |
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Zombie Sean |
Posted: April 3rd, 2018, 10:45am |
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Old Timer
LocationColorado Posts1547 Posts Per Day 0.23 |
I think it stands for background? Cute story, though I feel like nothing much happened. Granted, it's one page but I feel like you could've done a little more with this. Reduce the dialogue and include more action. Maybe have the girl wake up in the middle of the night and see the bug before it flies off, and then she says "Special..." and falls back asleep. I dunno. It felt like there was more to this! |
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Stumpzian |
Posted: April 3rd, 2018, 12:57pm |
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January Project Group
LocationNorth Carolina Posts662 Posts Per Day 0.18 |
Is a Frecklebug part of children's lore? Or did you invent it? If so, props to you, Dad, (if you are one).
A lot of people here seem to think a script is lacking if it doesn't have a twist. I don't agree. This one accomplishes exactly what it set out to do. |
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PrussianMosby |
Posted: April 3rd, 2018, 4:38pm |
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Posts1399 Posts Per Day 0.37 |
Frecklebug
Nice little children tale… What else there is to say? This could work at the right place- 4 |
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Warren |
Posted: April 3rd, 2018, 8:23pm |
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Of The Ancients A man who has taught his mind to misbehave
LocationSydney, Australia Posts3897 Posts Per Day 1.36 |
Cute little story. Not a whole lot to it, but enjoyable regardless.
Another one with no fade in or out that would have exceeded the page count.
Maybe it's just me, but I feel like a screenplay needs a transition in and a transition out, even if it is one page.
I'd be interested to know if the writers of the no fade in/out scripts generally don’t include them. |
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Revision History (1 edits) |
Warren - April 3rd, 2018, 11:20pm | | |
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RJP |
Posted: April 3rd, 2018, 10:26pm |
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Posts69 Posts Per Day 0.03 |
Nice story overall. There's some things in the dialogue that stuck out for me. Mostly your use of the word "but" through a series of exchanges. I'm guilty of using "well" a lot when I write dialogue so I know the pain.
Just thought I'd give you a heads up on that but you might want to ask someone else for their opinion. It might be a personal nit of mine and nothing more :p
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eldave1 |
Posted: April 4th, 2018, 10:07am |
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January Project Group
LocationSouthern California Posts6874 Posts Per Day 1.95 |
I thought this was well written. Crisp and clean. The story is a small one - but those are the types I enjoy. Good job |
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CameronD |
Posted: April 4th, 2018, 12:21pm |
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Been Around
Posts542 Posts Per Day 0.14 |
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jayrex |
Posted: April 4th, 2018, 4:16pm |
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Old Timer Cut to three weeks earlier
LocationLondon, UK Posts1420 Posts Per Day 0.22 |
It's like the fairy tooth mother but for freckles. I thought it strange the girl would quietly cry and say she thinks she likes the frecklebug. Not unless it's cries of joy? It just doesn't go together for me. |
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ajr |
Posted: April 5th, 2018, 6:11am |
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Old Timer
Posts1482 Posts Per Day 0.28 |
Enjoyed it. Cute and heartwarming. |
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LC |
Posted: April 5th, 2018, 8:41am |
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Administrator
LocationThe Great Southern Land Posts7584 Posts Per Day 1.34 |
Okay, you all don't find the Frecklebug a bit creepy, masquerading as sweet?
Marks for pure originality, but on film this would be... downright creepy! |
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DanC |
Posted: April 5th, 2018, 1:11pm |
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Old Timer Killing villains since 1980!
LocationBuffalo NY Posts1131 Posts Per Day 0.34 |
There is such a fine line between cute, creepy, comedy, horror, etc.
This is such a story. It was written to be cute, but it could be horror if expanded upon.
Solid 4.
Dan |
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SAC |
Posted: April 5th, 2018, 8:48pm |
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Of The Ancients … but some dreams do
LocationUpstate NY Posts3201 Posts Per Day 0.79 |
Writer,
I like this one, too. Another story that seems there should be more to it. However, pretty decent as it is.
Steve |
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Reply: 17 - 24 |
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FrankM |
Posted: April 25th, 2018, 10:41pm |
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January Project Group
LocationBetween Chair and Keyboard Posts1447 Posts Per Day 0.63 |
I like the expanded version, but we still don't see the Frecklebug's purpose. Is it gathering some kind of energy from kids to power Some Necessary Thing, or maybe just defending her against bad dreams and it gets hungry while there, or something else entirely?
When something Mysterious is revealed at the very end of a story without any explanation of its purpose of what happens next, it just leaves a sinister vibe, and I don't think that was the effect you intended. |
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AnthonyCawood |
Posted: September 4th, 2019, 4:20pm |
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January Project Group
LocationUK Posts4319 Posts Per Day 1.14 |
Frecklebug has been optioned to be produced as an animated short. |
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Warren |
Posted: September 4th, 2019, 10:29pm |
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Of The Ancients A man who has taught his mind to misbehave
LocationSydney, Australia Posts3897 Posts Per Day 1.36 |
Double congrats, Anthony. |
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LC |
Posted: September 4th, 2019, 10:34pm |
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Administrator
LocationThe Great Southern Land Posts7584 Posts Per Day 1.34 |
Ditto from me. Thought you'd been quiet lately, Anthony, but obviously still the quiet achiever even when AWOL. Congrats! Looking forward to seeing the animation. |
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AnthonyCawood |
Posted: September 5th, 2019, 1:30am |
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January Project Group
LocationUK Posts4319 Posts Per Day 1.14 |
Thanks Warren/Libby Busy family summer Libby, so been in lurker mode |
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LiamX |
Posted: October 3rd, 2019, 1:57am |
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Posts19 Posts Per Day 0.01 |
I wish there was more to this, theres so much more you can do with this. Im struggling with dialouge myself and didnt feel the dialouge was great in this, could be a very good story, just needs a bit more. |
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AnthonyCawood |
Posted: October 3rd, 2019, 9:02am |
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January Project Group
LocationUK Posts4319 Posts Per Day 1.14 |
Hey Liam, this was done for a One Week challenge on here, requirement was for 1 page story... so this version is expanded a little |
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Reply: 24 - 24 |
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