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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    Short Horror - October 06 One Week Challenge  ›  Milk Kills
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  Author    Milk Kills  (currently 1282 views)
SimplyScripts
Posted: October 21st, 2006, 10:37am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Milk Kills by A Member - Short, Horror - Milk has turned the people of New York City into monsters, Zombies and wear-wolf type creatures.  A family of three have to fend for themselfs after these monsters turn their attentions to them. 14 pages     A October '06 One Week Challenge entry - pdf, format


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ReaperCreeper
Posted: October 21st, 2006, 1:25pm Report to Moderator
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This script had some mistakes, both technical and grammatical. Description was average at best, dialogue was pretty flat in my opinion, and some periods and commas where absent when needed and misplaced when not needed.

The story itself is quite cheesy, though it does have its good points. However, those good points will go unnoticed if people see grammar mistakes in your SYNOPSIS (wear-wolf? themselfs?).  


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Zombie Sean
Posted: October 23rd, 2006, 12:03am Report to Moderator
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YES! I knew it! I knew there had to be at least on script out of the 29 sent in to where milk causes the people to turn into zombies! Or at least that is Bob's guess! But still!

Though, your formatting was weird. Your descriptions were in bold while your slugs were underlined. You didn't capitalize your characters' introduction, and you had numerous points to where it was like, "Bob walks in and says....

BOB: Blah blah blah blah blah"


You made it sound like it was a book. Also, towards the end, I kind of laughed out Edward was being dragged away and Bob would save him, and then he turns back around and finds that Katie is being killed, and when he saves her, he has to save Edward who is being attacked once more.

You need to work on this. But it was a good try. You stuck with the theme!

Sean
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jayrex
Posted: October 23rd, 2006, 4:30am Report to Moderator
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I only noticed this competition with three days to go.  I know there were some mistakes and errors in the script, and if I had time I would of fixed them.  Seven days is plenty enough to write a script but three days isn't.

I know I have to sharpen up when writing scripts, but I've only learnt through reading Hollywood and T.V. scripts.  I need to get myself a few books to learn and I'll be alright soon enough.  As for my synopsis,  oops comes to mind.  I do tend to write the wrong words from time to time.

As for my first ever competition I think I've done okay.


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tomson
Posted: October 23rd, 2006, 6:23am Report to Moderator
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You're not supposed to reveal who you are, but in your case I guess you just didn't know better since you're new.

This isn't a competition, but rather an excersise in scriptwriting. Now that you have revealed yourself, you need to read and comment on the other scripts that were entered. If you don't, you're probably not going to get any more reads.

Just some friendly advice.
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MonetteBooks
Posted: October 24th, 2006, 6:17pm Report to Moderator
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Usually I skip stories with werewolves, zombies, vampires, etc.

However, since I planned to comment on every entry in this exercise, I read this.

Aside from format errors already mentioned, it's not bad. It's hard not to do cliches on monsters whe've become cliched. Good effort.
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rjw8625
Posted: October 25th, 2006, 10:06am Report to Moderator
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A few comments Javier,

o.a.p., rang, windup, the drive, nutters, rucksack.  These are all very colloquial terms and phrases.  I'd imagine you want to avoid these if you're trying to reach a broader audience.

Yeah, spelling is brutal.  It doesn't take 3 days to do one proofread.

Avoid the word 'just' if you can.  'It takes just half an hour for you to say goodbye.'  Just rarely adds anything to a sentence.  In this case it makes it sound wrong.

At one point Edward asks for a drink and KATIE says 'your mother will be with you.'  Probably incorrect.
Also, if he can't get his own drink, how can he 'fetch his dad a beer?'

Katie's line 'What's with the milk?' is too convenient.  Nobody had even mentioned milk in the entire screenplay to this point.

The third swing of the bat killed the monster, yet you use 'instantly' again.

On Page 12 there are too many parentheticals.  In fact there are back-to-back parentheticals.  I shouldn't be too harsh about this because I have a tendency to overuse them, but the exchange at the bottom of the page takes it to a new level.

Not sure this ended at the right point.  If I were to characterize this story in Three Act structure, I'd say it ends at the end of a traditional act 2.  This is the darkest point for Bob (unless of course Edward gets killed).  He should probably be seeking revenge of some sort.


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jayrex
Posted: October 26th, 2006, 4:37am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from rjw8625
A few comments Javier,

o.a.p., rang, windup, the drive, nutters, rucksack.  These are all very colloquial terms and phrases.  I'd imagine you want to avoid these if you're trying to reach a broader audience.

Yeah, spelling is brutal.  It doesn't take 3 days to do one proofread.

Avoid the word 'just' if you can.  'It takes just half an hour for you to say goodbye.'  Just rarely adds anything to a sentence.  In this case it makes it sound wrong.

At one point Edward asks for a drink and KATIE says 'your mother will be with you.'  Probably incorrect.
Also, if he can't get his own drink, how can he 'fetch his dad a beer?'

Katie's line 'What's with the milk?' is too convenient.  Nobody had even mentioned milk in the entire screenplay to this point.

The third swing of the bat killed the monster, yet you use 'instantly' again.

On Page 12 there are too many parentheticals.  In fact there are back-to-back parentheticals.  I shouldn't be too harsh about this because I have a tendency to overuse them, but the exchange at the bottom of the page takes it to a new level.

Not sure this ended at the right point.  If I were to characterize this story in Three Act structure, I'd say it ends at the end of a traditional act 2.  This is the darkest point for Bob (unless of course Edward gets killed).  He should probably be seeking revenge of some sort.


With the terms and phrases your probably right and that I shouldn't have used them.  As for proofreading, I know if I didn't work for three days I'm sure my script would of been better, but as I've been working in a new job it has taken twelve hours out of the day before I even get a chance to write any scripts.  When I sat down on the weekend to look at my script I did see quite alot of errors.

As for Edward asking for a drink, all he's doing is asking for permission.  As for his mom's response, I probably shouldn't have written it.

With the parentheticals, I just want to convey the message clearly.

As for Family Guy scripts, I think that if you like the cartoon, you may approve of what I've done.


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Abe from LA
Posted: October 27th, 2006, 7:22am Report to Moderator
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Well, your inexperience is doing you in.
You’ve already ID’d yourself; Don reveals the writer’s after a week or so.  A lesson to be learned.

As for your script, you have formatting issues and story problems.

Too often you insert what should be an action sequence into a parenthetical. On the same note, you’re using parentheticals to convey feelings when you shouldn’t.

Set up your scenes correctly so you don’t have tell us that the character is (concerned) or (angry).  That should be obvious.

As for your story, there were some instances I thought were mildly “interesting.”  It doesn't start off bad, but with each page it seemed to get sillier.  I think it is your characters and their actions that just didn't jive.

Example:  Bob is watching a TV field reporter describing an outbreak of madness and chaos.  Bob is giving Katie, who is off doing whatever, a blow by blow of this TV account and asks if she noticed anything unusual while she was out and about.

The proper reaction in most people would be to go to the TV.  Think about 9/11, the declaration of war, rioting in the streets or any major catastrophes.  People naturally gravitate to the TV.

Katie never does that.

And how do zombies appear in Bob and Katie’s house?  In the kitchen? In Edward’s room?

When this kind of madness erupts, people’s first priority is not to stock up on food. That comes later.  The first priority is security.  These characters have to barricade themselves or get in the car and drive to safety.  No walking around the neighborhood, among the crazies.

Anyway, you get what I’m saying.

Read and learn.  OK first try.  Good luck.  
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George Willson
Posted: November 3rd, 2006, 3:24pm Report to Moderator
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cr**. Just as it was starting to get interesting it was over. So this is the first scene in a longer work, I imagine...or at least I hope. It was actually pretty well written. You quickly established some characters, dumped them into a dangerous situation, and then threw more conflict at them. You barely gave them time to think which was good.

I would have liked to have some kind of idea of why the milk "kills" or turns them into zombies. What caused this? As I commented before, the script just ends. It doesn't have an ending. It stops in the middle of the action with no resolution at all.

To knock the format a little bit, don't use underlining or boldface. No need for it. Just Courier 12 point and we're good to go. Wrylies also should not be left justified with the dialogue. It goes about halfway between the dialogue and the character name.

So, this was a well written short that begged for more. You obviously know what you're doing in writing, and you need to expand this to a more complete story. That will probably correct my bigger issues with the formatting being an exception.


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n7
Posted: November 14th, 2006, 12:48am Report to Moderator
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Besides the mentioned formatting problems it was entertaining in a midnight movie kind of way. Despite the formatting issues it did keep my attention throughout.
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