Quoted from Grandma Bear this might be the most useless comments you receive, but I really don't have anything to complain about or anything to suggest.

Thanks. lol

Quoted from Grandma Bear I think you capture the place and time perfectly. I could see it all in my head and I enjoyed the story/plot too. Very well crafted! You should be very proud of this one. It was a pleasure to read.

Thanks again, you're making me blush lol.

Quoted from Grandma Bear Oh... I just thought of something to bitch about, haha. The title. I wasn't crazy about it.

Oh now you've gone and spoiled it.  Only joking, I wasn't keen on the title myself but I couldn't think of anything else.  Actually that's a lie, I came up with about ten titles but I thought this was the best of a bad bunch.

Anyway thanks for the great feedback, I did spend some time on this which makes it nice when I recieved some positive reviews.

As for the title, I didn't like it either, but assumed it was a play on Johnny Depp's "Ripper" movie, "From Hell".  Does that have something to do with it?

Quoted from Dreamscale As for the title, I didn't like it either, but assumed it was a play on Johnny Depp's "Ripper" movie, "From Hell".  Does that have something to do with it?

You're spot on mate.  It actually relates to a famous letter that was sent to Scotland Yard apparently by the Ripper and titled 'from hell'.

Hi Alffy,

I got straight into this because the first six pages were so easy to read and you made the conversation really intriguing. I like the setting first and foremost and do have a fondness for Jack The Ripper so I was pretty intrigued in how you planned on putting your ideas across.

So much credit for even the first six pages, the dialouge was great and felt very real for that particular time frame.

I really liked page 10 - the way you wrote everything was crisp and seemingly simple yet provided enough for the setting. Pretty perfect writing as far as I know.

Was getting a little confused as to what was going on but by page 12 I'm realizing some scenes are flashbacks. I think.

Penny dropped at page 16 - that was good and I never saw it coming.

Well Alffy, I have to say I really enjoyed this one. The twist at the end was something I wasnt expecting, I guess I should have but credit to you. My only niggle is if Frank never ate the chocolate or Edward also had one. But I see the point you were going for in that he couldnt avoid the temptation and my negative point is so minor its probably silly to point out.

The whole story was interesting and intriguing, it flowed so well I had to go back a couple of times in case I had missed something as it read so quick. As in Blood Poison, which I also enjoyed, I found your writing and descriptions really impressive and you set up every scene perfectly as far as Im concerned. Same with dialouge, it came across very real for the time you had it set so imagining everything going on was easy. So much credit to you for that.

I think I still need to give it a little while to fully sink in but I am really impressed with this one. The story is perfect and as Im skimming over others reviews, I will have to agree that you must have put a lot of time and effort in researching this as Dreamscale wrote.

Great job Alffy,

Thanks Scoob

Quoted from Scoob Was getting a little confused as to what was going on but by page 12 I'm realizing some scenes are flashbacks. I think.

Yeah I wrote this as a non linear script and just hoped it would make sense at the end.  I also purposely didn't want it to be obvious what was a flashback and what wasn't.

Quoted from Scoob Well Alffy, I have to say I really enjoyed this one. The twist at the end was something I wasnt expecting, I guess I should have but credit to you.

Glad it surprised you.

Quoted from Scoob My only niggle is if Frank never ate the chocolate or Edward also had one.

Yeah lets just skip over this comment lol.  I know what you mean, if Frank wasn't tempted by the chocolate the story would never happen...but he did.

Quoted from Scoob I found your writing and descriptions really impressive and you set up every scene perfectly as far as Im concerned. Same with dialouge, it came across very real for the time you had it set so imagining everything going on was easy. So much credit to you for that.

I've had some good feedback for this, mainly about the dialogue which is nice and makes the effort I put in worthwhile.  As for my 'Blood Poison' script, I'm slowly rewriting it and it will be very different, story wise, when finished.  Thanks again for the review and I'm just glad it entertained you.

Hey Alffy,

Nicely done.  You keep getting better and better as a writer.  This one really reminded me of those old Sherlock Holmes melodramas from the early 60s.  Minus the blood, of course, but you even kept that restrained and used it as an effective highlight.

I thought the story was good too and I didn't realise until just the right time what was going to happen at the end.  Before the end, but not far enough ahead to spoil the suspense.  

I only had two issues with this.  The first was Rose.  I would have liked to have known a bit more about her since she was an important subject in the script.  Her death left me feeling a bit neutral but I would have known how to feel about it if I knew Rose.

The second was the time jumps at the end.  You labeled some of the flashbacks but I think you had a few time changes without labeling them.  I was able to figure it out but it got a bit confusing.

Anyway, good job.  I enjoyed it.

Cheers,

Michael  

Cheers for the read Michael.

Quoted from mcornetto I would have liked to have known a bit more about her since she was an important subject in the script.  Her death left me feeling a bit neutral but I would have known how to feel about it if I knew Rose.

Yeah, I was gonna add quite a bit more to this but I actually wrote the first draft of this for scarefest 1 and the page limit was a bit tight. I guess I could add a bit extra now.

Quoted from mcornetto You labeled some of the flashbacks but I think you had a few time changes without labeling them.  I was able to figure it out but it got a bit confusing.

Sorry about that, I must have missed them lol. Glad you were still able to follow it though as this was my worry, what with it jumping back and forth.

Glad you enjoyed it and thanks again for the read.

Hey Alffy,

I was expecting a generic slasher script here, but I was very surprised! The mood reminded me a bit of 'Perfume' and 'Sweeney Todd'

I must say this is some of the best writing I've read in a short script.
The dialogue was perfect, you got the language spot on. Your descriptions were full of detail and beautifully written. I was constantly engaged by your writing.

I loved the way this was structured like a modern day police/interogation thriller. I had to read certain parts twice as I wasn't expecting a non linear and complex story.

I can't really find anything negative to say about the script. I loved the settings, characters, story, structure, atmosphere and ending.

Awesome work, looking forward to reading some more of your scripts.

Hey Josh thanks for checking this out.

Quoted from Dreamlogic I was expecting a generic slasher script here, but I was very surprised!

That's good, I like to suprise people.

Quoted from Dreamlogic The mood reminded me a bit of 'Perfume' and 'Sweeney Todd'

How strange, my scarefest episode for season one was compared to Sweeny Todd too.

Quoted from Dreamlogic I must say this is some of the best writing I've read in a short script. I loved the settings, characters, story, structure, atmosphere and ending. Awesome work

Wow, you're too kind. Thanks for the praise but I won't get my head out of the door soon lol. I'm glad you were able to follow it though, I really wanted to go for the non-linear route so I'm just glad it made sense.

Thanks again Josh.

Hey Alffy,

Okay, we have the Jack the Ripper setting. Cool- For some reason which I still don't know, I used to be fascinated by Jack the Ripper... I'm not too sure what that says about me! Haha, but now, onto your script.

The first scene inside the chocolate shop was far too long... I started to get bored. I reckon you could easily cut a page out of it, but not having so much dialogue. Also, I noticed that in the dialogue in this scene, there was a good use of slang, ie, "peeler" etc.

Bottom of Page 6- INT. POLICE STATION - INTERVIEW ROOM - You need to tell us what time of day this is, as it isn't continuous.

Page 7- This piece of speech by Edward sounds very odd- "Perhaps you would be more comfortable in a different room Jacob. One that more meets your needs." Frank asks Jacob a question, then Edward randomly, for no apparent reason says that... odd.

Page 8- When Jacob grabs Frank... why does Frank only hit Jacob, after Jacob whispers in his ear? I would have though he would have punched Jacob the second he attempted to man-handle him...

Page 9- The scene headers for the Chocolate shop and Blind beggar's house need a time of day...

Top of Page 10- I doubt that in 1888 London, anyone would say "Hey"...

Page 12- I had already guessed that Frank was Jack the Ripper, but what I don't work out is how did he meet Liz, go to the station, question Jacob then return to murder her? There were lots (and I mean lots) of prostitutes in the East End in the 1880's, so it is unlikely that he would be able to find the exact same prostitute again.

Page 13- You mean Mitre Square, not Quare.

Okay, then after these murders, we are back in the police station... are Frank's murders flashbacks? You need to explicitly tells us this... because I missed it.

Okay, now the flashback on page 15... what was that to show us? That Frank did indeed eat a chocolate? We already know that... Jacob mentioned it earlier, and we saw it happening. Cut that flashback out mate. It just takes up unnecessary space.

Okay, I've finished reading the script. I enjoyed it, it was well written, especially the descriptions, but there were some things I either didn't understand, or didn't like. Firstly, some of the dialogue didn't flow too well, or didn't fit for the time period. I've mentioned some of the stuff I noticed, above.

Also, I really didn't understand the story too well... Especially the part when Frank, Jacob and Rose all walk out of a building... So Frank ws the guy having the relationship with Rose? And then Jacob follows Frank, finds out he is Jack the Ripper, then sets up a plan to lure Frank into his shop, so that he can eat some poisen chocolate? How could he be certain that Frank would eat the chocolate?

And also, the way the story was told was pretty damn confusing... switching back and forth between flashbacks, without telling the reader that they are in fact flashbacks.

Now, onto formatting. On quite a few occasions, you don't include the time of day in scene headings. This can become very confusing. Also, I noticed that throughout your script, that you don't capitalise some character's names who don't have any real role. For example- "Casual prostitutes and seedy men hide in the dark corners and back streets.". This should read as- "CASUAL PROSTITUTES and SEEDY MEN hide in the dark corners and back streets." I noticed this a few other times during your script as well.

The script did run a bit long for a short... I would try slimming it down to about 16 pages... you could easily do this by cutting out some of the dialogue in certain scenes. For instance, the scene with Frank in the pub didn't need to be there... you could easily just have him walking up to a prostitute, instead of him in the bar, leaving the bar, and then finding a women of the night.

But yeah, overall, this was a pretty good little short. It read well, and I enjoyed it. I'd just work on the structure of the script a bit, or make it a bit more explicit.

But yeah, keep it up mate.

Cheers, Toby.

Thanks for the read Toby and I'll try and answer your comments.

Firstly the slugs, I never include NIGHT or DAY to my internal scenes as I've been told these are unecessary but I guess I could include them.

As for the flashbacks, I purposely didn't include them in my slugs as I wanted it to play out slighty confusing until the end.

Frank casually sleeps with the prostitues, one which is Rose, unbeknown to Jacob. Jacob suspects Rose's infidelity and follows her that's why he decides to kill them both. He also doesn't know Frank is the ripper.

Good call on the mitre square, that's a mistake.

Also Edward's outburst was for two reasons, firstly I didn't just want him standing there without any input but also his comment about a different room refers to an asylum room.

Franks murder of Liz was also a flashback and happened before he arrested Jacob, this was apparent from the end when at millers court he tells edward they have to leave. They are on their way to Jacob's.

Sorry you found this confusing. I thought of going back and changing this but most readers found it interesting that it was a non linear script so I guess I'll leave it be.

Just a heads up, this is a re-write and hasn't changed too much from the earlier version.  I have changed the name, as I and a few others weren't fond of the original one.

Hey alffy,

I must say I'm very, very impressed by this. It could be one of the best scripts I've read, not just in the shorts section, but this site as a whole so far. I'm no expert on that time period but I think you nailed the setting of 1888, the dialogue also felt natural and went well with the script.

While reading I was wondering why you never labelled your flashbacks but when finished, I understand your reasons for not doing so. The twist with Frank and the chocolate worked well and had me shouting "Why didn't I see that coming?" at my laptop screen, especially with Jacob's conversation about temptation. Well done on that.

I also noticed there was times when you never had NIGHT or DAY in your scene headings. I think this is okay in continious scenes but one stuck out on page 14 when Jacob was mixing chocolate in the back room then in the very next scene, he was asleep in his room, with no DAY, NIGHT or LATER to show the time difference. I really think you should have a NIGHT or LATER in your scene heading here as it did confuse me slightly. I do think it's okay to leave them out in a continous set of  scenes but when you take a small jump in time, I think you need to tell us that in your scene heading.

One other small nitpick, would be when introducing Frank. You introduce him as simply 'FRANK', but he's called Detective Logan throughout. I would suggest introducing him as DETECTIVE FRANK LOGAN to avoid any confusion. It's a small thing, but it shows I don't have anything major to pull you up on so you done something right.

I think your new title is so much better than your old one. A murder based in a chocolate shop, that's different and works well. Your writing was spot on. Your descriptions were very clear and easy to visualise. Although a highlight, maybe a few lines of description could be combined or cut from Rose's murder as there's no way that would take up a full minute of screen time. Again, another nitpick. What worked well with your writing were the small actions between the dialogue. In other scripts, there can be times when there are pages of conversation and nothing much else. In your script, you have long back and forth conversations but broke them up with small action lines which kept me on edge. Just small things, like Jacob leaning forward on the counter towards Frank in the chocolate shop, things like that read well. Another example would be Jacob untieing his apron and carefully folding it while he casually tells the detectives that he killed his wife. You did do a great job on your descriptions.

One line came off quite funny. "Walter removes an organ and tosses it into a dish." Tosses it from where? The other side of the room? I know what you mean here, but maybe this could be described better. On page 18, you are missing a question mark when Jacob says " can they detective logan". Other than that, I didn't notice any typos.

Actually, while thinking about the line with the missing question mark, JACOB - "No one can resist the best chocolate in London, can they Detective Logan", I think that line would be a much better way to end the script. If you can find another way to show that the part with Frank killing was a flashback, ending with that line would be a more memorable ending. Not that there is anything wrong with the ending right now, as it's fine as it is. I just think ending with that line might have more of a punch.

Overall, I can't stress how much I liked this. One of my personal favorites on this site, I hope you get more reads for this as it deserves it. Well done!

Brian  

Thanks for the read Brian, and glad you liked it.

I'm glad you liked the descriptions, and I too don't like reading pages of long dialogue, that's why I tried to break them up but also with actions that showed the characters traits.  Frank is alwayd smoking and Jacob is calm despite his actions.

I've never included DAY and NIGHT in my INT slugs but I can see why sometimes it might be relevant to do so, thanks for pointing that out.

Quoted from Brian M One line came off quite funny. "Walter removes an organ and tosses it into a dish." Tosses it from where? The other side of the room? I know what you mean here, but maybe this could be described better. On page 18, you are missing a question mark when Jacob says " can they detective logan". Other than that, I didn't notice any typos.

Yeah it does read a bit funny now you've pointed it out.  Also I'm a bit miffed about the question mark, I always miss something but this time I thought I'd spotted every mistake...doh!

Quoted from Brian M Overall, I can't stress how much I liked this. One of my personal favorites on this site, I hope you get more reads for this as it deserves it. Well done!

Thanks man, I hope it gets a few more reads too, as it's my personal favourite script.

Alffy,

Sorry I didn't get around to this earlier.

Ok, so, recently I've been doing a fairly significant amount of telephone fundraising for Great Ormond Street Hospital, which has been open since 1852 - now this takes me to that era

I like the scene with the chocolate (it just prompted me to get my own), and you used the dialogue to reveal Frank and Edward as detectives, which was a job well done.

Up to page 6, and this all feels very tight. You are weaving together a nice little story, and Jacob is coming through as a particularly strong character. Interesting to see where it goes, as I think he has a trick or three up his chocolate covered sleeve.

The morgue scene is a good example of the crisp style with which you write, alffy. Really nice stuff. The actions of Frank contrasted with the professional indifference of Walter just felt right.

Just arrived at the station, and Jacob's calculated/cold/indifference is making me think 'The Life of David Gale' - so, I assume there must be a reason for his cool demeanor. I wonder if your previous title is an indication of that, substitute Gale's highlighting of legal/social ramifications for Jacob's religious/social, maybe. I had better read on to find out..

Jacob's sudden explosion of anger puts the Gale idea to bed.

Quoted Text JACOB You too are easily tempted Detective Logan?

Or maybe not - temptation definitely plays a role here, I see.

I think these two descriptions are too similar:

Quoted Text Frank pulls his long coat tight around him and walks with confidence.

Quoted Text Frank walks from the scene with an air of composure. He lights up a cigarette.

Haven't read the other comments, but this may have been mentioned as too 'tell':

Quoted Text Jacob is not amused,

You do follow it up with:

Quoted Text his nostrils flare and his eyes narrow.

Which does the job the 'amused bit' doesn't, so I think you can lose it.

Interesting direction with Frank, will be interesting to see how this pays off.

Page 14, ahhh, so the chocolate is a temptation that is poisoned? With Rose having taken the chocolate, as did Frank - I think I see how Jacob snared them.

The flashback to show that Frank ate the chocolate - I can see why you put that there, but you had already revealed this with your crisp writing. I think you can afford to lose it.

I really liked this:

Quoted Text INT. WENTWORTH STREET - HOUSE - BEDROOM The single candle lantern flickers. Rose sits up in the bed, the sheets pulled around her naked body. A wry smile on her face. A handful of coins are scattered on the night stand. EXT. WENTWORTH STREET - ALLEY - NIGHT Dark and dingy, the moon the only source of light. Heavy breathing and the shuffle of feet are heard. A door swings open and a dark FIGURE emerges. Stepping into the alley the figure stops and takes out a cigarette. The figure takes out a match and strikes it on the wall, brings it up the cigarette, where it illuminates the face of Frank. He discards the match and walks off into the night. A moment later, Jacob steps from the dark and follows Frank’s footsteps down the street.

Very nicely done.

So, I am finished.

Good script, alffy. You use a couple of different timelines to reveal Frank as the crazed murderer (Jack the Ripper influenced?) who gets his when he sleeps with Rose, with the man scorned wreaking his wicked revenge. I liked how you closed the story to show why and how Frank and Edward went to the chocolate shop. This gave a sense of closure, and had us in the complete circle of the story.

Good job.

Andrew