SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is March 28th, 2024, 5:41am
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
One Week Challenge - Who Wrote What and Writers' Choice.


Scripts studios are posting for award consideration

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Horror  ›  The Chocolatier
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 1 Guests

 Pages: « 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 » : All
Recommend Print
  Author    The Chocolatier  (currently 7782 views)
malcolm3
Posted: November 26th, 2009, 4:26pm Report to Moderator
New


Posts
130
Posts Per Day
0.02
Alffy,
I'll have a look at this one tomorrow Affy, if you don't mind?
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 45 - 81
malcolm3
Posted: November 27th, 2009, 7:31am Report to Moderator
New


Posts
130
Posts Per Day
0.02
Alffy,

I gave this a read. Then gave it another. Like some of the other comments, I did get a little confused with the flashbacks at times. Ultimately, I think they worked.

There were a couple of minor things. There's an apostrophe missing from Jacobs on Page 3 and the use of Publicans to describe the custom of a pub, but these are small things and easily fixed.

In all, I really enjoyed this. I thought you caught the period just right.

Being somewhat new to this malarkey, I do however, have a burning question.

What did you do with it?

It's obviously filmable - probably TV. And would make a nice little infill that they use on occaision. This kind of period piece we Brits do so well.

Did you send it anywhere? Do anything with it? What?
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 46 - 81
alffy
Posted: November 28th, 2009, 12:10pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
The bleak North East, England
Posts
2187
Posts Per Day
0.34
Malcolm, thanks for the read.

As for the flashbacks, well I do usually indicate them in my slugs but for this decided not to as I wanted it to all become clear at the end.  It has confused some readers but overall I think it keeps it interesting.

I haven't done anything with this, I had an actress from the States asking if she could film some of the Rose scenes for her portfolio.  I was thinking of maybe sending it to the BBC's writers room, although I think they don't encourage you to send shorts but I still might.  I'm thinking of sending them my new feature when I finish the rewrite.

Anyway Malcolm, thanks agin for the read and glad you liked it.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 47 - 81
malcolm3
Posted: November 28th, 2009, 12:42pm Report to Moderator
New


Posts
130
Posts Per Day
0.02
Alffy,
Unfortunately the BBC writers Room have changed their rules again for next year and added new rules Etc.

Still - always worth a try.

Nice one Alf.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 48 - 81
alffy
Posted: November 28th, 2009, 1:24pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
The bleak North East, England
Posts
2187
Posts Per Day
0.34
Yeah I've noticed the minimum page limit is now 30 pages so I might need to rewrite this again lol.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 49 - 81
Colkurtz8
Posted: November 30th, 2009, 6:36am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
--> Over There
Posts
1731
Posts Per Day
0.30
Alffy

I really enjoyed this, a great plot which you unfolded brilliantly and allowed to thicken and thicken till the losing scenes. It hooked me so much that I went back to give it a second read, just to get everything straight in my head. This wasn't a case of the story being too convoluted just my lack of brain power in grasping the whole picture first time around.

I could see the tainted chocolate twist coming but it didn't matter, it was still executed superbly. Great use of non linear storytelling to let us piece together the events incrementally over the course of the script.

The 19th London back drop was perfect, excellent choice in which to tell this type of story, you really captured the cluttered, diseased ridden streets of that period, from rowdy, boisterous ale houses to women of easy leisure at every turn and grimy alleyway.

And all wrapped up in a tight 20 pages, nice work, man.

Col.


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 50 - 81
alffy
Posted: November 30th, 2009, 12:12pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
The bleak North East, England
Posts
2187
Posts Per Day
0.34

Quoted from Colkurtz8
I really enjoyed this, a great plot which you unfolded brilliantly and allowed to thicken and thicken till the losing scenes. It hooked me so much that I went back to give it a second read, just to get everything straight in my head.


Wow, thanks very much Col.  I'm just glad it didn't confuse the hell out of you lol.  I'm sorry you saw the ending coming but at least you still enjoyed.  

As for the 20 pages, I've thought a few times of expanded this but to be fair I think it's pretty much how I want it.  Most people seem to like the setting too, which is good but the original draft took place in modern England and reading over it again, it pretty much sucks!

Thanks for the review and I'll be happy to read one of yours in exchange.  pm me which one you want me to check out mate.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 51 - 81
Mr. Blonde
Posted: November 30th, 2009, 12:23pm Report to Moderator
Administrator


What good are choices if they're all bad?

Location
Nowhere special.
Posts
3064
Posts Per Day
0.57
Hey Alf. Currently half-way through. Should have my review up in a jiffy.

-Sean


Logged
Private Message Reply: 52 - 81
Takeshi
Posted: December 1st, 2009, 4:46am Report to Moderator
Guest User



Hey Alffy,

There seems to be a bit of buzz on the boards about this at the moment, so I thought I’d check it out.
The last script of yours I read was a Trip to Zoo and from memory you've come a long way. I read this at work so I'm not going to give it an in -depth analysis. But I thought the story was interesting and it was very well paced. I liked the way you flagged the ending in the opening scene without over playing it and the dialogue seemed very authentic for the period. Your descriptions were very economical and effective too.

Well done.
Logged
e-mail Reply: 53 - 81
alffy
Posted: December 1st, 2009, 12:11pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
The bleak North East, England
Posts
2187
Posts Per Day
0.34
Chris, cheers mate.

A Trip to Zoo, wow that was my first script lol.  I'm glad you enjoyed this and also that I've improved over the years.  

pm if you want me to read something of yours.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 54 - 81
Mr. Blonde
Posted: December 1st, 2009, 10:40pm Report to Moderator
Administrator


What good are choices if they're all bad?

Location
Nowhere special.
Posts
3064
Posts Per Day
0.57
Ok. Finished.

I'll begin with the good.

Really good period piece.
Your descriptions made me feel like I was there. They really did.
Ol' Jacob, whenever I'd visualize him in my head, I always pictured him as a midget. Just, for some reason, that popped into my head when he'd speak.

Now, the bad.

I didn't like it, but it has nothing to do with the story. The story is very good, it's just not my type of story. Sorry.  Kind of like when I watch the Bourne movies. I don't like them, but I understand why people do. =)
"I am Jack's lack of commas." Let's put it this way, I stopped keeping track of missing commas by page 6. I think it was page 6.

Here's the notes I made. They're messy, but it's because I was writing them in Notepad as I read. I numbered them, but for the commas and stuff, they stop early and I just note big things from then on. =)

Notes:

Page 1:

Horse-drawn.
Amongst instead of among
outside a small shop;

Page 2:

Good morning, gentlemen.
Good morning, sir.
So it was curiousity, Detective?
Perhaps, Mr. Stiles.
That it did, Detective.

Page 3:

Passive verbiage. "His eyes cut"
over-populated
No time at all, Mr. Stiles.
Frank ignores Jacobs.
Edward's face.
I would think not, Detective.

Page 4:

Please, Mr. Stiles.
Police Detectives.
murdered Mr. Stiles.
My wife Detective.

Page 5:

"Why would I show any or indeed
feel any, after all it was I who
murdered her."
More formally, Mr. Stiles.

Page 6:

with this one, Frank.
too many, it seems

Page 15:

I'd mark it as a flashback, although it makes sense on its own.

Page 16:

"She hangs head"

I hope this is helpful to you and I want you to know that it was very well executed.

8/10 for a good story.

-Sean


Logged
Private Message Reply: 55 - 81
alffy
Posted: December 2nd, 2009, 1:16pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
The bleak North East, England
Posts
2187
Posts Per Day
0.34
Sean, cheers for the read and sorry it wasn't up your street.  Thanks too for pointing out the errors, I'll fix them.  I'm glad you liked the story though, as for Jacob being a midget...I'm not sure why you pictured him being on but it would be funny to see only a head behind the shop counter lol.

Cheers for the feedback.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 56 - 81
Mr. Blonde
Posted: December 2nd, 2009, 1:39pm Report to Moderator
Administrator


What good are choices if they're all bad?

Location
Nowhere special.
Posts
3064
Posts Per Day
0.57

Quoted from alffy
Sean, cheers for the read and sorry it wasn't up your street.  Thanks too for pointing out the errors, I'll fix them.  I'm glad you liked the story though, as for Jacob being a midget...I'm not sure why you pictured him being on but it would be funny to see only a head behind the shop counter lol.

Cheers for the feedback.


No problem, man. Was only fair. =)


Logged
Private Message Reply: 57 - 81
craig cooper-flintstone
Posted: December 2nd, 2009, 2:07pm Report to Moderator
New


'Ey up.

Location
Derbyshire, UK
Posts
253
Posts Per Day
0.05
Hi Alffy,

A fantastic short you've got here.

I'd agree with some of the previous comments regarding the flashbacks being a little bit confusing at times, but I don't know how else you would convey the story- It work work out great on film, I reckon.

The dialogue seems 'right' for the period, and the descriptions of the horrible murky locations worked brilliantly.

I spotted a couple of things that I don't think others have mentioned though-

'The cobble stone streets team with life.' - I think cobblestone is one word, and 'team' should be 'teem'?

One thing I couldn't work out was- at the beginning of the story you wrote:

'A single chocolate stands on a tray placed on the counter.
A large truffle sculpted beautifully. An attached note
reads ‘The best in London, please try one’.'

But in the flashback near the end, it changed to:

'A tray of mouth watering chocolates stands on the counter.
An attached note reads ‘The best in London, please try
one’.'

Was this intentional or am I missing something?

Other than that Alffy, it's a grand old piece.

Great work

Craig


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 58 - 81
alffy
Posted: December 2nd, 2009, 2:23pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
The bleak North East, England
Posts
2187
Posts Per Day
0.34
Cheers Craig, glad you liked it.

As for the flashbacks, well I pondered them for a while but thought it worked without them and added to the story.  I wanted it to be slightly confusing, and only become clear at the end.

Thanks for spotting the mistake at the end with the flashback.  That's due to me changing it and forgetting to change the flashback, doh!

Cobblestone...cobble stone, you know I think I've changed this about three times now.  Someone says it's one way, then someone another...I'm just confused, where's that damn dictionary!

I'm glad you liked the descriptions, I tried to paint a dark and murky setting.

Cheers for your thoughts, glad you enjoyed it.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 59 - 81
 Pages: « 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 » : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Short Horror  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006