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I gave this a read. Then gave it another. Like some of the other comments, I did get a little confused with the flashbacks at times. Ultimately, I think they worked.
There were a couple of minor things. There's an apostrophe missing from Jacobs on Page 3 and the use of Publicans to describe the custom of a pub, but these are small things and easily fixed.
In all, I really enjoyed this. I thought you caught the period just right.
Being somewhat new to this malarkey, I do however, have a burning question.
What did you do with it?
It's obviously filmable - probably TV. And would make a nice little infill that they use on occaision. This kind of period piece we Brits do so well.
Did you send it anywhere? Do anything with it? What?
As for the flashbacks, well I do usually indicate them in my slugs but for this decided not to as I wanted it to all become clear at the end. It has confused some readers but overall I think it keeps it interesting.
I haven't done anything with this, I had an actress from the States asking if she could film some of the Rose scenes for her portfolio. I was thinking of maybe sending it to the BBC's writers room, although I think they don't encourage you to send shorts but I still might. I'm thinking of sending them my new feature when I finish the rewrite.
Anyway Malcolm, thanks agin for the read and glad you liked it.
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I really enjoyed this, a great plot which you unfolded brilliantly and allowed to thicken and thicken till the losing scenes. It hooked me so much that I went back to give it a second read, just to get everything straight in my head. This wasn't a case of the story being too convoluted just my lack of brain power in grasping the whole picture first time around.
I could see the tainted chocolate twist coming but it didn't matter, it was still executed superbly. Great use of non linear storytelling to let us piece together the events incrementally over the course of the script.
The 19th London back drop was perfect, excellent choice in which to tell this type of story, you really captured the cluttered, diseased ridden streets of that period, from rowdy, boisterous ale houses to women of easy leisure at every turn and grimy alleyway.
And all wrapped up in a tight 20 pages, nice work, man.
I really enjoyed this, a great plot which you unfolded brilliantly and allowed to thicken and thicken till the losing scenes. It hooked me so much that I went back to give it a second read, just to get everything straight in my head.
Wow, thanks very much Col. I'm just glad it didn't confuse the hell out of you lol. I'm sorry you saw the ending coming but at least you still enjoyed.
As for the 20 pages, I've thought a few times of expanded this but to be fair I think it's pretty much how I want it. Most people seem to like the setting too, which is good but the original draft took place in modern England and reading over it again, it pretty much sucks!
Thanks for the review and I'll be happy to read one of yours in exchange. pm me which one you want me to check out mate.
Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.
There seems to be a bit of buzz on the boards about this at the moment, so I thought I’d check it out. The last script of yours I read was a Trip to Zoo and from memory you've come a long way. I read this at work so I'm not going to give it an in -depth analysis. But I thought the story was interesting and it was very well paced. I liked the way you flagged the ending in the opening scene without over playing it and the dialogue seemed very authentic for the period. Your descriptions were very economical and effective too.
Really good period piece. Your descriptions made me feel like I was there. They really did. Ol' Jacob, whenever I'd visualize him in my head, I always pictured him as a midget. Just, for some reason, that popped into my head when he'd speak.
Now, the bad.
I didn't like it, but it has nothing to do with the story. The story is very good, it's just not my type of story. Sorry. Kind of like when I watch the Bourne movies. I don't like them, but I understand why people do. =) "I am Jack's lack of commas." Let's put it this way, I stopped keeping track of missing commas by page 6. I think it was page 6.
Here's the notes I made. They're messy, but it's because I was writing them in Notepad as I read. I numbered them, but for the commas and stuff, they stop early and I just note big things from then on. =)
Notes:
Page 1:
Horse-drawn. Amongst instead of among outside a small shop;
Page 2:
Good morning, gentlemen. Good morning, sir. So it was curiousity, Detective? Perhaps, Mr. Stiles. That it did, Detective.
Page 3:
Passive verbiage. "His eyes cut" over-populated No time at all, Mr. Stiles. Frank ignores Jacobs. Edward's face. I would think not, Detective.
Page 4:
Please, Mr. Stiles. Police Detectives. murdered Mr. Stiles. My wife Detective.
Page 5:
"Why would I show any or indeed feel any, after all it was I who murdered her." More formally, Mr. Stiles.
Page 6:
with this one, Frank. too many, it seems
Page 15:
I'd mark it as a flashback, although it makes sense on its own.
Page 16:
"She hangs head"
I hope this is helpful to you and I want you to know that it was very well executed.
Sean, cheers for the read and sorry it wasn't up your street. Thanks too for pointing out the errors, I'll fix them. I'm glad you liked the story though, as for Jacob being a midget...I'm not sure why you pictured him being on but it would be funny to see only a head behind the shop counter lol.
Cheers for the feedback.
Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.
Sean, cheers for the read and sorry it wasn't up your street. Thanks too for pointing out the errors, I'll fix them. I'm glad you liked the story though, as for Jacob being a midget...I'm not sure why you pictured him being on but it would be funny to see only a head behind the shop counter lol.
I'd agree with some of the previous comments regarding the flashbacks being a little bit confusing at times, but I don't know how else you would convey the story- It work work out great on film, I reckon.
The dialogue seems 'right' for the period, and the descriptions of the horrible murky locations worked brilliantly.
I spotted a couple of things that I don't think others have mentioned though-
'The cobble stone streets team with life.' - I think cobblestone is one word, and 'team' should be 'teem'?
One thing I couldn't work out was- at the beginning of the story you wrote:
'A single chocolate stands on a tray placed on the counter. A large truffle sculpted beautifully. An attached note reads ‘The best in London, please try one’.'
But in the flashback near the end, it changed to:
'A tray of mouth watering chocolates stands on the counter. An attached note reads ‘The best in London, please try one’.'
As for the flashbacks, well I pondered them for a while but thought it worked without them and added to the story. I wanted it to be slightly confusing, and only become clear at the end.
Thanks for spotting the mistake at the end with the flashback. That's due to me changing it and forgetting to change the flashback, doh!
Cobblestone...cobble stone, you know I think I've changed this about three times now. Someone says it's one way, then someone another...I'm just confused, where's that damn dictionary!
I'm glad you liked the descriptions, I tried to paint a dark and murky setting.
Cheers for your thoughts, glad you enjoyed it.
Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.