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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Horror  ›  The Chocolatier
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  Author    The Chocolatier  (currently 7783 views)
alffy
Posted: December 2nd, 2009, 2:26pm Report to Moderator
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Ok, so I've had some comments on my bad grammer, missing out comma's and the like.  I'd like to thank everyone for pointing them out, I'm going to get someone to point them all out for me.  I'm not a lazy proof reader, just a bit thick I think lol.  For this I apologise.


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craig cooper-flintstone
Posted: December 2nd, 2009, 2:27pm Report to Moderator
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I did enjoy it chap,

As I said- they were only minor things, and you're right about the flashbacks- they do become clearer as you progress.

You succeeded in painting dark and murky!

Craig



Revision History (1 edits)
craig cooper-flintstone  -  December 2nd, 2009, 4:52pm
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alffy
Posted: December 2nd, 2009, 3:58pm Report to Moderator
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Ok, I've had some help from a qualified English Teacher...my wife.  So everything will be correct, grammer wise, when the new version gets uploaded


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Craiger6
Posted: December 2nd, 2009, 4:43pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Allfy,

Just finished this one and like most everyone else I really enjoyed it.  I actually just picked up a Ripper book so this was right up my alley.  I loved the vibe and the dialouge.  I'm not a qualified historian, but it certainly felt very realistic to me.  

My only quibble which others have mentioned was with the un-labled falshbacks, but after a while I think you more or less get the drift and are back on track.  Certainly not enough to affect the overall enjoyment of the piece.  

Anyway, great job and look forward to reading more.

Craig


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alffy
Posted: December 3rd, 2009, 3:14am Report to Moderator
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Cheers Craig.

I did a bit of research for this so the locations, victims and dates should all be correct.  Glad you liked the feel and enjoyed it.

I've had mixed opinions on the flashbacks, some want them labeled, some dont.  I'm not sure, I like how it's not clear they are flashbacks at the moment, as I've said previously, on screen you wouldn't know it was a flashback and would have to work it out, so why not the same when reading it.  I wanted this to be a non-linear story, like Memento was.  You were never sure what order scenes were in until the end.


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Heretic
Posted: December 5th, 2009, 5:35pm Report to Moderator
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As I go:

You misspelled "teem" in the first sentence.  Not a good start!

I find the descriptions of Frank and Edward to be very bland and arbitrary.  

What season is it?  For some reason I particularly want to know.  What do you imagine it as?  Not that I think you need to include that in the script -- just curious.

Hey, I like this story!

There's some missing punctuation in dialogue, which bothers me.

Jacob's oh-so-cool H. Lecter attitude is a little overdone, in my opinion.  He's not selling me on being a badass.

It took Jacob five pages to get to the point.  Too long for me.  It's not like the dialogue through these first five pages was totally uninteresting but it's not particularly important as there are no stakes as of yet.  I guess what I'm saying is, the build is to slow, to me, for a script of this length.

I really like all this stuff, the next few scenes after the first one!  Exciting!  The bedroom scene is brilliant.

Aren't Edward and Jacob the names of the two main assclowns in Twilight?  

I also wonder why they wouldn't believe him.  Confessions aren't particularly unusual, are they?

Frank keeps saying Jacob's name in his dialogue, it's annoying.  I always do that in my scripts too...

This really needs a proofread, by the way.

Jacob's really coming across to me like a lame Lecter wannabe.  I don't know what it is exactly.

These flashbacks are seriously badass.  So awesome.

There's quite a lot of actor direction in the action passages.  If this were to get made someone would be given the job of erasing it all, or the actors would have to do it themselves.  Not good business.

Some of this Frank/Edward/Jacob dialogue is astonishingly redundant.  I think part of what makes Jacob seem lame is that Frank finds it necessary to be extremely obvious in his questions.  I'm on page 11 in particular, but I think that this has been a problem throughout the script.  We are figuring things out long before Frank says them.  As soon as Jacob says that he murdered his wife, and then we cut to a couple in a bedroom, we instantly assume that he murdered her for infidelity.  That's great writing -- no need to back it up with boring dialogue.

Yeah, where is his wife?  Finally we get to a good question.  There hasn't been any movement here for a long time.

Oh darn, I was hoping Frank wouldn't kill her.  Twist was obvious.  Good scene though!  You know, your description writing is excellent.  You paint a picture clearly and easily.

The flashback to Frank eating the chocolate is totally unnecessary.  We remember.

Does her death really need to be this long and unpleasant and graphic?

Thoughts:

Well it is a fun, intricate, and interesting story Alffy, and I enjoyed watching it unfold.  But what is it about?  What does it mean?  What do we take from it?  You are dealing with dark topics and graphic gore in a fairly serious tone, and I submit that to justify doing so you must offer a serious message.  I see no such message here.

The non-linear storytelling is absolutely excellent, pulled off very well.  But to me, this script is all flash and no substance.  What does it mean to you?

P.S.  I think this script would be cool if it were set in the winter with snow falling!  That's not helpful input...I'm just letting you know.  Haha.
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alffy
Posted: December 6th, 2009, 6:42am Report to Moderator
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Cheers for the read Heretic, and I'll try answer some of questions.


Quoted from Heretic
This really needs a proofread, by the way.


I've covered this in a post just above yours.  The new daft should fix these.


Quoted from Heretic
It took Jacob five pages to get to the point.  Too long for me.  It's not like the dialogue through these first five pages was totally uninteresting but it's not particularly important as there are no stakes as of yet.  I guess what I'm saying is, the build is to slow, to me, for a script of this length.


Sorry you thought this.


Quoted from Heretic
I really like all this stuff, the next few scenes after the first one!  Exciting!  The bedroom scene is brilliant.


Thanks.


Quoted from Heretic
Aren't Edward and Jacob the names of the two main assclowns in Twilight?  


I don't know, I've never seen it.


Quoted from Heretic
These flashbacks are seriously badass.  So awesome.


Thanks, glad you liked them.


Quoted from Heretic
The flashback to Frank eating the chocolate is totally unnecessary.  We remember.


Damn, I thought you liked the flashbacks!?  Point taken though, it was only shown 15 minutes early, so I guess you'd remember.


Quoted from Heretic
Does her death really need to be this long and unpleasant and graphic?


Yes.


Quoted from Heretic
...But what is it about?  What does it mean?  What do we take from it?  You are dealing with dark topics and graphic gore in a fairly serious tone, and I submit that to justify doing so you must offer a serious message.  I see no such message here.


What?  I'm too hungover for this question today.

Heretic, I left wondering what you really thought of this.  You liked the flashbacks and the non-linear story but hated the dialogue throughout.  You liked the descriptions but didn't like the characters.  So I'm guessing it's a bit of a mixed bag for you?  As for...


Quoted from Heretic
But to me, this script is all flash and no substance.  What does it mean to you?


...I'm not sure what you were looking for here?  What it means to me is, a story that involves temptation and retribution which includes England's most famous serial killer as a secondary story.  Frank is a complete fictional character but is shown to be/might have been Jack the Ripper and Jacob's poison of him ended the Whitecahpel murders.  I thought it would be interesting to make the Ripper story the subplot.  The message is surely obvious, don't sleep with Jacob's wife lol.

I hope I've answered some of your questions and thanks for the detailed review, it's greatly appreciated.


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ajr
Posted: April 11th, 2010, 8:04pm Report to Moderator
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Alffy,

I just read this over at Circalit, and I liked it so much I wanted to give you a well-deserved bump on this.

First off, spectacularly clean writing. And with the cadence of the dialogue I could hear the accents in my head.

As for the story – brilliant idea, well told, and well-folded into the story of the Ripper.
It’s rare that I don’t have the slightest comment – but in this case I don’t.

Fabulous job – well done!

Anthony


Click HERE to read JOHN LENNON'S HEAVEN https://preview.tinyurl.com/John-Lennon-s-Heaven-110-pgs/
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alffy
Posted: April 12th, 2010, 12:20pm Report to Moderator
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Cheers bud, thanks for the read and the nice feedback.


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You can find my scripts here
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dogglebe
Posted: April 13th, 2010, 3:46pm Report to Moderator
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This was probably the best read I've had, here, in a while.  I enjoyed it a great deal.

I was very impressed with the story.  It had the flavor of the period and, fortunately, you kept it far enough about from the Whitechapel Murders where it wasn't a Jack the Ripper piece.  The characters were crisp enough for me and the story didn't really drag; the story could've benefited from some more action, even just police officers running to crime scenes.  It looked like you researched London a little bit, regarding how things were back then.


Phil
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grademan
Posted: April 15th, 2010, 9:06am Report to Moderator
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Alffy,

This was very well done. Your chops are very good in this one. Very imaginative too.
I didn't read it before because the title didn't interest me. I am kicking myself for robbing myself of a great read earlier.

Glad I read it.

Gary
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alffy
Posted: April 15th, 2010, 9:52am Report to Moderator
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Thanks Phil and Gary, glad you both enjoyed the script.  I did put some research into it and I think it helped.  I'm also glad neither of you said 'it's too confusing'.  Some have commented that the flashbacks need to be labled but I'm glad it worked for you two.


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dogglebe
Posted: April 15th, 2010, 10:25am Report to Moderator
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I didn't have a problem with the flashback.  Then again, I'm a super-genius.  If others are having problems with it, then you should do something with them.


Phil
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Mr. Blonde
Posted: April 15th, 2010, 11:39am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from alffy
I'm also glad neither of you said 'it's too confusing'.  Some have commented that the flashbacks need to be labled but I'm glad it worked for you two.


Yeah, I don't know how a person would be confused by the flashbacks. They were done so well that I don't know how they'd miss them.


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alffy
Posted: April 17th, 2010, 1:46pm Report to Moderator
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I guess some people are sticklers for format and as I didn't label them they were annoyed
Personally, I think it works okay and helps give the story a bit more mystery.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
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