SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is March 28th, 2024, 1:29pm
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
One Week Challenge - Who Wrote What and Writers' Choice.


Scripts studios are posting for award consideration

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Horror  ›  The Chocolatier
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 1 Guests

 Pages: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 : All
Recommend Print
  Author    The Chocolatier  (currently 7784 views)
Don
Posted: August 31st, 2008, 7:50am Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
16381
Posts Per Day
1.94
The Chocolatier by Anthony Hudson (alffy) - Short, Horror - While the streets of London are being stalked by the blade of a serial killer, two detectives must investigate a strange note left at the station. 19 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (5 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  May 6th, 2017, 1:35pm
revised draft
Logged Offline
Site Private Message
stebrown
Posted: August 31st, 2008, 1:28pm Report to Moderator
Been Around



Location
Newcastle, England
Posts
881
Posts Per Day
0.15
Alffy, this seems changed from the version I read. Can't quite figure out what bit you've changed...unless I'm just going mental!?

Anyways, this is a tight, well structured story. You did a good job to keep it pretty easy to follow given the back and forth between flashbacks/present.

The dialogue seems pretty accurate for the time period this is set. My one slight suggestion is with the final scene. Just don't really see why it's there as we already know everything that it's about, it isn't bringing anything new to the story.

Good stuff mate


Logged
Site Private Message Reply: 1 - 81
alffy
Posted: September 1st, 2008, 4:56am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
The bleak North East, England
Posts
2187
Posts Per Day
0.34
Thanks for the read Ste.

I included the scene late on as I thought it provided a more complete story.  I tried hard with the dialogue and put a bit of research in with locations and slang terms.  Glad you found it easy to follow as this was my major concern.  Glad you liked it.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 2 - 81
Dreamscale
Posted: September 3rd, 2008, 6:41pm Report to Moderator
Guest User



Hey Allfy, #4 read in the Scarefest 2 group (what happened to the other 3 or 4?).

I think you've done a really good job with this!  I can tell that you put alot of effort into this in terms of time, thought, and research.  Everything seems legit, and it all sounds real for the time period you've chosen.

This is a complicated little script you've got here, and after only 1 read, I really can't say that it all works as is, but it seems to.  It's a bit difficult to keep track of everything because of the jumps back and forth in time, and I think your headers could have made it easier to follow.  I'm assuming that this is a loose adaption of the Jack the Ripper killings in old London, with a new spin added in.  Very well done and concieved.

For me, based on 1 read, this is my favorite of the bunch so far.  Nice job!
Logged
e-mail Reply: 3 - 81
tonkatough
Posted: September 4th, 2008, 6:09am Report to Moderator
Been Around



Location
Australia
Posts
581
Posts Per Day
0.09
Hey Alffy.  I think I owed you a read. so I checked out this. First thought was how the hell do you get a horror story from a chocolate shop.

Have to agree with everyone above that you nailed the time period perfectly. Very Victorian.

The death scene at the end was bloody awful and I had a lot of fun visualing it. quite horrible.

Your play of words in the action was nice and tight and precise. My favourite was "his smile wilts to a frown." I gonna have to pinch that one and use it in my own writing.



Logged
Private Message Reply: 4 - 81
alffy
Posted: September 4th, 2008, 9:58am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
The bleak North East, England
Posts
2187
Posts Per Day
0.34

Quoted from Dreamscale
I think you've done a really good job with this!  I can tell that you put alot of effort into this in terms of time, thought, and research.  Everything seems legit, and it all sounds real for the time period you've chosen.


Thanks, I did put a lot of effort in trying to get the tone of the period right.


Quoted from Dreamscale
I'm assuming that this is a loose adaption of the Jack the Ripper killings in old London, with a new spin added in.


Spot on.  I love the Jack the Ripper legend so I thought I'd have a stab at it.  Of course this is very losely based on the facts, the victims and dates are all correct but of course some of the characters are completely fictional.


Quoted from Dreamscale
For me, based on 1 read, this is my favorite of the bunch so far.  Nice job!


Thanks mate.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 5 - 81
alffy
Posted: September 4th, 2008, 10:06am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
The bleak North East, England
Posts
2187
Posts Per Day
0.34

Quoted from tonkatough
First thought was how the hell do you get a horror story from a chocolate shop.


(I'm chuckling to myself here) It is a strange setting but I sometimes think the oddest settings set the best atmosphere, not the usual asylum or cemetry setting is a nice change I think.


Quoted from tonkatough
The death scene at the end was bloody awful and I had a lot of fun visualing it. quite horrible.


I was a bit unsure with this scene.  I wanted it to be a grusome death but I wasn't sure I nailed it.  I guess I did good with it then.


Quoted from tonkatough
My favourite was "his smile wilts to a frown." I gonna have to pinch that one and use it in my own writing.


Be my guest Glenn.  Funny, my episode for series one had the line 'have a day off mate', which Cindy loved and said she was gonna use it.

Anyway thanks for the read and glad you liked it.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 6 - 81
Zombie Sean
Posted: September 6th, 2008, 12:19pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
Colorado
Posts
1547
Posts Per Day
0.23
Same as James' script, this one is all in Dingbats font also. You think you can send me the original copy before you converted it to PDF, alffy?

Sean
Logged
Private Message Reply: 7 - 81
alffy
Posted: September 7th, 2008, 9:05am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
The bleak North East, England
Posts
2187
Posts Per Day
0.34
Sure thing Sean, do you have finaldraft?  If not, what format do you prefer?


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 8 - 81
Zombie Sean
Posted: September 7th, 2008, 10:14am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
Colorado
Posts
1547
Posts Per Day
0.23
Yeh, go ahead and send it to me in Final Draft. Thanks, man.

Sean
Logged
Private Message Reply: 9 - 81
alffy
Posted: September 7th, 2008, 10:29am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
The bleak North East, England
Posts
2187
Posts Per Day
0.34
Sent you an email so you should have it Sean, thanks for the interest.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 10 - 81
jayrex
Posted: September 9th, 2008, 3:28pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Cut to three weeks earlier

Location
London, UK
Posts
1420
Posts Per Day
0.22
Hello Alffy,

I've made notes as I went along.

They turn down a narrow 'cobbled' side street.

Maybe Edward could chew tobacco?  And so can't eat the chocolate.

JACOB
Jacob, please.

Change one of the above Jacobs

Page 7, Frank doubts Jacobs confession and honesty.  Why I ask?

Hanwell - I looked this up.   There is no prison but an asylum.  Is this the reference?

LIZ
Any pleasure you desire sir. - I like this line.  True to the era.

Jack the Ripper idea?

Arsenic in the chocolate?

The figure takes out a match and strikes it on the wall,
brings it up the cigarette, where it illuminates the face of
Frank.

The above paragraph sounds like you need to rewrite it.

The ending is okay.  Sounds interesting.  Edward coughs and sounds ill.  Maybe have him cough throughout the script as it turns out Frank actually gets ill from the chocolate.

Sounds like you researched this putting in the Irish & Jews reference.  Good job overall.

I like the whole atmosphere of the script.  If you have Edward coughing and generally being sick throughout.  Then the mystery to the reader and viewer is diverted.  Whereas Frank ate chocolates and got ill.  Did Edward eat some beforehand and we didn't see this?  Not enough to kill.

I mention arsenic as I read the Jack the Ripper diaries which I believed at the time to be real.  And the book I read was written by a lady who had an agenda.  Arsenic was mentioned as a poison James Maybrick had taken and was addicted too.  Maybe you could look it up?

The ending could of been placed at the beginning and Frank getting caught at the end.  By getting examined at the morgue and discovering a bloody knife in the inside pocket.  Maybe a souvenir of some sort is on him?

Anyway, great stuff.

All the best.


Javier

P.S.
Can someone tell me what all this Scarefest is all about?


Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 11 - 81
alffy
Posted: September 9th, 2008, 3:49pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
The bleak North East, England
Posts
2187
Posts Per Day
0.34
Thanks for posting your review here Jay.


Quoted from jayrex
JACOB Jacob, please.


Dunno what you mean with this but Jacob is telling the police to refer to him as Jacob rather than Mr. Stiles.


Quoted from jayrex
Hanwell - I looked this up.   There is no prison but an asylum.  Is this the reference?


Yeah this was an asylum where they sent the, what they refered to as 'the incurable'.  Anyone they assumed was not of sound mind was sent there.


Quoted from jayrex
The ending is okay.  Sounds interesting.  Edward coughs and sounds ill.  Maybe have him cough throughout the script as it turns out Frank actually gets ill from the chocolate.


Yeah I thought of this but then thought it might give the game away.

I did put a bit of research into this script, thaks for noticing.  Gald you thought the dialogue sounded right for the era too.

The Arsenic comments you make are certainly interesting, I think I will look into it.  Thanks for the heads up on that one.

I wanted Frank to be thought of as Jack the Ripper and so when he dies, the murders stopped.  As for him doubting Jacob, many people claimed to be murderers and even the Ripper at the time but were deemed to be mad, hence their visit to Hanwell.

Anyway thanks for the read and the positive feedback, glad you liked it.  I sent you a pm about the series.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 12 - 81
Zombie Sean
Posted: September 9th, 2008, 6:42pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
Colorado
Posts
1547
Posts Per Day
0.23
Alffy,


This was a well-written script, with great descriptions and great dialogue. The problem I had was when you were going back and forth from the police station to some other location. I still cannot tell if these are flashbacks or if they're happening between sessions in the interview room? And I think I've pretty much figured out why Frank was killed by Jacob...Was it because Frank was getting pleasure from the prostitutes and Jacob just did not agree with all of it? Or was it because Frank killed a prostitute (Liz) (By the way, why did he kill her and just her (unless I missed something)?).

I think that's all I have. Nice twist you have. At first I thought it was gonna be multiple personalities, but then when Rose died horribly by the chocolate, I figured out that Jacob had poisoned the chocolates.

Any way, great job.

Sean
Logged
Private Message Reply: 13 - 81
alffy
Posted: September 10th, 2008, 9:50am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
The bleak North East, England
Posts
2187
Posts Per Day
0.34
Hey Sean, thanks for the review.


Quoted from Zombie Sean
The problem I had was when you were going back and forth from the police station to some other location. I still cannot tell if these are flashbacks or if they're happening between sessions in the interview room?


I feared this might confuse some people.  I really wanted to write it this way and hoped readers would follow the story, maybe needs some work then.


Quoted from Zombie Sean
And I think I've pretty much figured out why Frank was killed by Jacob...Was it because Frank was getting pleasure from the prostitutes and Jacob just did not agree with all of it? Or was it because Frank killed a prostitute (Liz) (By the way, why did he kill her and just her (unless I missed something)?).


You're nearly right.  I wanted to write this as a Jack the Ripper story with a new spin.  Frank is completely fictional but I wanted to portrait him as the Ripper or at least suggest he COULD be the Ripper.  Frank sleeps with prositutes and also dabbles in killing some of them.  He sleeps with Jacob's wife who is secretly on the game.  Jacob finds out by following her and gets revenge by murdering both of them.  Liz, or Long Liz as she was known, was the last victim of Jack the Ripper so thats why she the last prositute Frank murders before he's killed by Jacob...and breath lol.


Quoted from Zombie Sean
This was a well-written script, with great descriptions and great dialogue.


I'll finish with your first line, cos I like it.  Glad you thought it had good dialogue, I tried to get the tone right for the era.

Thanks Sean.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 14 - 81
alffy
Posted: September 10th, 2008, 9:54am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
The bleak North East, England
Posts
2187
Posts Per Day
0.34

Quoted from Grandma Bear
this might be the most useless comments you receive, but I really don't have anything to complain about or anything to suggest.


Thanks. lol


Quoted from Grandma Bear
I think you capture the place and time perfectly. I could see it all in my head and I enjoyed the story/plot too. Very well crafted! You should be very proud of this one. It was a pleasure to read.


Thanks again, you're making me blush lol.


Quoted from Grandma Bear
Oh... I just thought of something to bitch about, haha. The title. I wasn't crazy about it.


Oh now you've gone and spoiled it.  Only joking, I wasn't keen on the title myself but I couldn't think of anything else.  Actually that's a lie, I came up with about ten titles but I thought this was the best of a bad bunch.

Anyway thanks for the great feedback, I did spend some time on this which makes it nice when I recieved some positive reviews.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 15 - 81
Dreamscale
Posted: September 10th, 2008, 11:10am Report to Moderator
Guest User



As for the title, I didn't like it either, but assumed it was a play on Johnny Depp's "Ripper" movie, "From Hell".  Does that have something to do with it?
Logged
e-mail Reply: 16 - 81
alffy
Posted: September 10th, 2008, 1:40pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
The bleak North East, England
Posts
2187
Posts Per Day
0.34

Quoted from Dreamscale
As for the title, I didn't like it either, but assumed it was a play on Johnny Depp's "Ripper" movie, "From Hell".  Does that have something to do with it?


You're spot on mate.  It actually relates to a famous letter that was sent to Scotland Yard apparently by the Ripper and titled 'from hell'.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 17 - 81
Scoob
Posted: September 10th, 2008, 6:48pm Report to Moderator
Been Around


Location
UK
Posts
583
Posts Per Day
0.08
Hi Alffy,

I got straight into this because the first six pages were so easy to read and you made the conversation really intriguing. I like the setting first and foremost and do have a fondness for Jack The Ripper so I was pretty intrigued in how you planned on putting your ideas across.

So much credit for even the first six pages, the dialouge was great and felt very real for that particular time frame.

I really liked page 10 - the way you wrote everything was crisp and seemingly simple yet provided enough for the setting. Pretty perfect writing as far as I know.

Was getting a little confused as to what was going on but by page 12 I'm realizing some scenes are flashbacks. I think.

Penny dropped at page 16 - that was good and I never saw it coming.

Well Alffy, I have to say I really enjoyed this one. The twist at the end was something I wasnt expecting, I guess I should have but credit to you. My only niggle is if Frank never ate the chocolate or Edward also had one. But I see the point you were going for in that he couldnt avoid the temptation and my negative point is so minor its probably silly to point out.

The whole story was interesting and intriguing, it flowed so well I had to go back a couple of times in case I had missed something as it read so quick. As in Blood Poison, which I also enjoyed, I found your writing and descriptions really impressive and you set up every scene perfectly as far as Im concerned. Same with dialouge, it came across very real for the time you had it set so imagining everything going on was easy. So much credit to you for that.

I think I still need to give it a little while to fully sink in but I am really impressed with this one. The story is perfect and as Im skimming over others reviews, I will have to agree that you must have put a lot of time and effort in researching this as Dreamscale wrote.

Great job Alffy,



Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 18 - 81
alffy
Posted: September 11th, 2008, 9:34am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
The bleak North East, England
Posts
2187
Posts Per Day
0.34
Thanks Scoob


Quoted from Scoob
Was getting a little confused as to what was going on but by page 12 I'm realizing some scenes are flashbacks. I think.


Yeah I wrote this as a non linear script and just hoped it would make sense at the end.  I also purposely didn't want it to be obvious what was a flashback and what wasn't.


Quoted from Scoob
Well Alffy, I have to say I really enjoyed this one. The twist at the end was something I wasnt expecting, I guess I should have but credit to you.


Glad it surprised you.


Quoted from Scoob
My only niggle is if Frank never ate the chocolate or Edward also had one.


Yeah lets just skip over this comment lol.  I know what you mean, if Frank wasn't tempted by the chocolate the story would never happen...but he did.


Quoted from Scoob
I found your writing and descriptions really impressive and you set up every scene perfectly as far as Im concerned. Same with dialouge, it came across very real for the time you had it set so imagining everything going on was easy. So much credit to you for that.


I've had some good feedback for this, mainly about the dialogue which is nice and makes the effort I put in worthwhile.  As for my 'Blood Poison' script, I'm slowly rewriting it and it will be very different, story wise, when finished.  Thanks again for the review and I'm just glad it entertained you.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 19 - 81
mcornetto
Posted: October 6th, 2008, 4:29am Report to Moderator
Guest User



Hey Alffy,

Nicely done.  You keep getting better and better as a writer.  This one really reminded me of those old Sherlock Holmes melodramas from the early 60s.  Minus the blood, of course, but you even kept that restrained and used it as an effective highlight.

I thought the story was good too and I didn't realise until just the right time what was going to happen at the end.  Before the end, but not far enough ahead to spoil the suspense.  

I only had two issues with this.  The first was Rose.  I would have liked to have known a bit more about her since she was an important subject in the script.  Her death left me feeling a bit neutral but I would have known how to feel about it if I knew Rose.

The second was the time jumps at the end.  You labeled some of the flashbacks but I think you had a few time changes without labeling them.  I was able to figure it out but it got a bit confusing.

Anyway, good job.  I enjoyed it.

Cheers,

Michael  
Logged
e-mail Reply: 20 - 81
alffy
Posted: October 6th, 2008, 10:11am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
The bleak North East, England
Posts
2187
Posts Per Day
0.34
Cheers for the read Michael.


Quoted from mcornetto
I would have liked to have known a bit more about her since she was an important subject in the script.  Her death left me feeling a bit neutral but I would have known how to feel about it if I knew Rose.


Yeah, I was gonna add quite a bit more to this but I actually wrote the first draft of this for scarefest 1 and the page limit was a bit tight. I guess I could add a bit extra now.


Quoted from mcornetto
You labeled some of the flashbacks but I think you had a few time changes without labeling them.  I was able to figure it out but it got a bit confusing.


Sorry about that, I must have missed them lol. Glad you were still able to follow it though as this was my worry, what with it jumping back and forth.

Glad you enjoyed it and thanks again for the read.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 21 - 81
Dreamlogic
Posted: October 10th, 2008, 2:04pm Report to Moderator
New


Posts
37
Posts Per Day
0.01
Hey Alffy,

I was expecting a generic slasher script here, but I was very surprised! The mood reminded me a bit of 'Perfume' and 'Sweeney Todd'

I must say this is some of the best writing I've read in a short script.
The dialogue was perfect, you got the language spot on. Your descriptions were full of detail and beautifully written. I was constantly engaged by your writing.

I loved the way this was structured like a modern day police/interogation thriller. I had to read certain parts twice as I wasn't expecting a non linear and complex story.

I can't really find anything negative to say about the script. I loved the settings, characters, story, structure, atmosphere and ending.

Awesome work, looking forward to reading some more of your scripts.




THE LONG ROAD NORTH
A bestselling author makes a chilling discovery as he searches for inspiration.

http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-short/m-1213640432/
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 22 - 81
alffy
Posted: October 11th, 2008, 7:57am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
The bleak North East, England
Posts
2187
Posts Per Day
0.34
Hey Josh thanks for checking this out.


Quoted from Dreamlogic
I was expecting a generic slasher script here, but I was very surprised!


That's good, I like to suprise people.


Quoted from Dreamlogic
The mood reminded me a bit of 'Perfume' and 'Sweeney Todd'


How strange, my scarefest episode for season one was compared to Sweeny Todd too.


Quoted from Dreamlogic
I must say this is some of the best writing I've read in a short script.
I loved the settings, characters, story, structure, atmosphere and ending.
Awesome work


Wow, you're too kind. Thanks for the praise but I won't get my head out of the door soon lol. I'm glad you were able to follow it though, I really wanted to go for the non-linear route so I'm just glad it made sense.

Thanks again Josh.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 23 - 81
Toby_E
Posted: November 21st, 2008, 10:13am Report to Moderator
Been Around



Location
London, UK
Posts
872
Posts Per Day
0.15
Hey Alffy,

Okay, we have the Jack the Ripper setting. Cool- For some reason which I still don't know, I used to be fascinated by Jack the Ripper... I'm not too sure what that says about me! Haha, but now, onto your script.

The first scene inside the chocolate shop was far too long... I started to get bored. I reckon you could easily cut a page out of it, but not having so much dialogue. Also, I noticed that in the dialogue in this scene, there was a good use of slang, ie, "peeler" etc.

Bottom of Page 6- INT. POLICE STATION - INTERVIEW ROOM - You need to tell us what time of day this is, as it isn't continuous.

Page 7- This piece of speech by Edward sounds very odd- "Perhaps you would be more comfortable in a different room Jacob. One that more meets your needs." Frank asks Jacob a question, then Edward randomly, for no apparent reason says that... odd.

Page 8- When Jacob grabs Frank... why does Frank only hit Jacob, after Jacob whispers in his ear? I would have though he would have punched Jacob the second he attempted to man-handle him...

Page 9- The scene headers for the Chocolate shop and Blind beggar's house need a time of day...

Top of Page 10- I doubt that in 1888 London, anyone would say "Hey"...

Page 12- I had already guessed that Frank was Jack the Ripper, but what I don't work out is how did he meet Liz, go to the station, question Jacob then return to murder her? There were lots (and I mean lots) of prostitutes in the East End in the 1880's, so it is unlikely that he would be able to find the exact same prostitute again.

Page 13- You mean Mitre Square, not Quare.

Okay, then after these murders, we are back in the police station... are Frank's murders flashbacks? You need to explicitly tells us this... because I missed it.

Okay, now the flashback on page 15... what was that to show us? That Frank did indeed eat a chocolate? We already know that... Jacob mentioned it earlier, and we saw it happening. Cut that flashback out mate. It just takes up unnecessary space.

Okay, I've finished reading the script. I enjoyed it, it was well written, especially the descriptions, but there were some things I either didn't understand, or didn't like. Firstly, some of the dialogue didn't flow too well, or didn't fit for the time period. I've mentioned some of the stuff I noticed, above.

Also, I really didn't understand the story too well... Especially the part when Frank, Jacob and Rose all walk out of a building... So Frank ws the guy having the relationship with Rose? And then Jacob follows Frank, finds out he is Jack the Ripper, then sets up a plan to lure Frank into his shop, so that he can eat some poisen chocolate? How could he be certain that Frank would eat the chocolate?

And also, the way the story was told was pretty damn confusing... switching back and forth between flashbacks, without telling the reader that they are in fact flashbacks.

Now, onto formatting. On quite a few occasions, you don't include the time of day in scene headings. This can become very confusing. Also, I noticed that throughout your script, that you don't capitalise some character's names who don't have any real role. For example- "Casual prostitutes and seedy men hide in the dark corners and back streets.". This should read as- "CASUAL PROSTITUTES and SEEDY MEN hide in the dark corners and back streets." I noticed this a few other times during your script as well.

The script did run a bit long for a short... I would try slimming it down to about 16 pages... you could easily do this by cutting out some of the dialogue in certain scenes. For instance, the scene with Frank in the pub didn't need to be there... you could easily just have him walking up to a prostitute, instead of him in the bar, leaving the bar, and then finding a women of the night.

But yeah, overall, this was a pretty good little short. It read well, and I enjoyed it. I'd just work on the structure of the script a bit, or make it a bit more explicit.

But yeah, keep it up mate.

Cheers, Toby.


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 24 - 81
alffy
Posted: November 21st, 2008, 1:23pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
The bleak North East, England
Posts
2187
Posts Per Day
0.34
Thanks for the read Toby and I'll try and answer your comments.

Firstly the slugs, I never include NIGHT or DAY to my internal scenes as I've been told these are unecessary but I guess I could include them.

As for the flashbacks, I purposely didn't include them in my slugs as I wanted it to play out slighty confusing until the end.

Frank casually sleeps with the prostitues, one which is Rose, unbeknown to Jacob. Jacob suspects Rose's infidelity and follows her that's why he decides to kill them both. He also doesn't know Frank is the ripper.

Good call on the mitre square, that's a mistake.

Also Edward's outburst was for two reasons, firstly I didn't just want him standing there without any input but also his comment about a different room refers to an asylum room.

Franks murder of Liz was also a flashback and happened before he arrested Jacob, this was apparent from the end when at millers court he tells edward they have to leave. They are on their way to Jacob's.

Sorry you found this confusing. I thought of going back and changing this but most readers found it interesting that it was a non linear script so I guess I'll leave it be.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 25 - 81
alffy
Posted: June 13th, 2009, 3:59pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
The bleak North East, England
Posts
2187
Posts Per Day
0.34
Just a heads up, this is a re-write and hasn't changed too much from the earlier version.  I have changed the name, as I and a few others weren't fond of the original one.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 26 - 81
Brian M
Posted: June 14th, 2009, 7:47am Report to Moderator
New



Location
Glasgow
Posts
434
Posts Per Day
0.08
Hey alffy,

I must say I'm very, very impressed by this. It could be one of the best scripts I've read, not just in the shorts section, but this site as a whole so far. I'm no expert on that time period but I think you nailed the setting of 1888, the dialogue also felt natural and went well with the script.

While reading I was wondering why you never labelled your flashbacks but when finished, I understand your reasons for not doing so. The twist with Frank and the chocolate worked well and had me shouting "Why didn't I see that coming?" at my laptop screen, especially with Jacob's conversation about temptation. Well done on that.

I also noticed there was times when you never had NIGHT or DAY in your scene headings. I think this is okay in continious scenes but one stuck out on page 14 when Jacob was mixing chocolate in the back room then in the very next scene, he was asleep in his room, with no DAY, NIGHT or LATER to show the time difference. I really think you should have a NIGHT or LATER in your scene heading here as it did confuse me slightly. I do think it's okay to leave them out in a continous set of  scenes but when you take a small jump in time, I think you need to tell us that in your scene heading.

One other small nitpick, would be when introducing Frank. You introduce him as simply 'FRANK', but he's called Detective Logan throughout. I would suggest introducing him as DETECTIVE FRANK LOGAN to avoid any confusion. It's a small thing, but it shows I don't have anything major to pull you up on so you done something right.

I think your new title is so much better than your old one. A murder based in a chocolate shop, that's different and works well. Your writing was spot on. Your descriptions were very clear and easy to visualise. Although a highlight, maybe a few lines of description could be combined or cut from Rose's murder as there's no way that would take up a full minute of screen time. Again, another nitpick. What worked well with your writing were the small actions between the dialogue. In other scripts, there can be times when there are pages of conversation and nothing much else. In your script, you have long back and forth conversations but broke them up with small action lines which kept me on edge. Just small things, like Jacob leaning forward on the counter towards Frank in the chocolate shop, things like that read well. Another example would be Jacob untieing his apron and carefully folding it while he casually tells the detectives that he killed his wife. You did do a great job on your descriptions.

One line came off quite funny. "Walter removes an organ and tosses it into a dish." Tosses it from where? The other side of the room? I know what you mean here, but maybe this could be described better. On page 18, you are missing a question mark when Jacob says " can they detective logan". Other than that, I didn't notice any typos.

Actually, while thinking about the line with the missing question mark, JACOB - "No one can resist the best chocolate in London, can they Detective Logan", I think that line would be a much better way to end the script. If you can find another way to show that the part with Frank killing was a flashback, ending with that line would be a more memorable ending. Not that there is anything wrong with the ending right now, as it's fine as it is. I just think ending with that line might have more of a punch.

Overall, I can't stress how much I liked this. One of my personal favorites on this site, I hope you get more reads for this as it deserves it. Well done!

Brian  
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 27 - 81
alffy
Posted: June 14th, 2009, 8:39am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
The bleak North East, England
Posts
2187
Posts Per Day
0.34
Thanks for the read Brian, and glad you liked it.

I'm glad you liked the descriptions, and I too don't like reading pages of long dialogue, that's why I tried to break them up but also with actions that showed the characters traits.  Frank is alwayd smoking and Jacob is calm despite his actions.

I've never included DAY and NIGHT in my INT slugs but I can see why sometimes it might be relevant to do so, thanks for pointing that out.


Quoted from Brian M
One line came off quite funny. "Walter removes an organ and tosses it into a dish." Tosses it from where? The other side of the room? I know what you mean here, but maybe this could be described better. On page 18, you are missing a question mark when Jacob says " can they detective logan". Other than that, I didn't notice any typos.


Yeah it does read a bit funny now you've pointed it out.  Also I'm a bit miffed about the question mark, I always miss something but this time I thought I'd spotted every mistake...doh!


Quoted from Brian M
Overall, I can't stress how much I liked this. One of my personal favorites on this site, I hope you get more reads for this as it deserves it. Well done!


Thanks man, I hope it gets a few more reads too, as it's my personal favourite script.



Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 28 - 81
Andrew
Posted: June 14th, 2009, 11:12am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Posts
1791
Posts Per Day
0.32
Alffy,

Sorry I didn't get around to this earlier.

Ok, so, recently I've been doing a fairly significant amount of telephone fundraising for Great Ormond Street Hospital, which has been open since 1852 - now this takes me to that era

I like the scene with the chocolate (it just prompted me to get my own), and you used the dialogue to reveal Frank and Edward as detectives, which was a job well done.

Up to page 6, and this all feels very tight. You are weaving together a nice little story, and Jacob is coming through as a particularly strong character. Interesting to see where it goes, as I think he has a trick or three up his chocolate covered sleeve.

The morgue scene is a good example of the crisp style with which you write, alffy. Really nice stuff. The actions of Frank contrasted with the professional indifference of Walter just felt right.

Just arrived at the station, and Jacob's calculated/cold/indifference is making me think 'The Life of David Gale' - so, I assume there must be a reason for his cool demeanor. I wonder if your previous title is an indication of that, substitute Gale's highlighting of legal/social ramifications for Jacob's religious/social, maybe. I had better read on to find out..

Jacob's sudden explosion of anger puts the Gale idea to bed.


Quoted Text

JACOB
You too are easily tempted
Detective Logan?


Or maybe not - temptation definitely plays a role here, I see.

I think these two descriptions are too similar:


Quoted Text

Frank pulls his long coat tight around him and walks with
confidence.



Quoted Text

Frank walks from the scene with an air of composure. He
lights up a cigarette.


Haven't read the other comments, but this may have been mentioned as too 'tell':


Quoted Text

Jacob is not amused,


You do follow it up with:


Quoted Text

his nostrils flare and his eyes
narrow.


Which does the job the 'amused bit' doesn't, so I think you can lose it.

Interesting direction with Frank, will be interesting to see how this pays off.

Page 14, ahhh, so the chocolate is a temptation that is poisoned? With Rose having taken the chocolate, as did Frank - I think I see how Jacob snared them.

The flashback to show that Frank ate the chocolate - I can see why you put that there, but you had already revealed this with your crisp writing. I think you can afford to lose it.

I really liked this:


Quoted Text

INT. WENTWORTH STREET - HOUSE - BEDROOM
The single candle lantern flickers.
Rose sits up in the bed, the sheets pulled around her naked
body. A wry smile on her face.
A handful of coins are scattered on the night stand.
EXT. WENTWORTH STREET - ALLEY - NIGHT
Dark and dingy, the moon the only source of light.
Heavy breathing and the shuffle of feet are heard.
A door swings open and a dark FIGURE emerges.
Stepping into the alley the figure stops and takes out a
cigarette.
The figure takes out a match and strikes it on the wall,
brings it up the cigarette, where it illuminates the face
of Frank.
He discards the match and walks off into the night.
A moment later, Jacob steps from the dark and follows
Frank’s footsteps down the street.


Very nicely done.

So, I am finished.

Good script, alffy. You use a couple of different timelines to reveal Frank as the crazed murderer (Jack the Ripper influenced?) who gets his when he sleeps with Rose, with the man scorned wreaking his wicked revenge. I liked how you closed the story to show why and how Frank and Edward went to the chocolate shop. This gave a sense of closure, and had us in the complete circle of the story.

Good job.

Andrew




Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 29 - 81
alffy
Posted: June 15th, 2009, 10:41am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
The bleak North East, England
Posts
2187
Posts Per Day
0.34
Cheers for checking this out Andrew.


Quoted from Andrew Allen
The flashback to show that Frank ate the chocolate - I can see why you put that there, but you had already revealed this with your crisp writing. I think you can afford to lose it.


Yeah I toyed with this a few times, still undecided as to include it or not.


Quoted from Andrew Allen
I liked how you closed the story to show why and how Frank and Edward went to the chocolate shop. This gave a sense of closure, and had us in the complete circle of the story.


I'm glad you liked this cos I thought it worked quite well.  Originally I didn't have this ending but added before I posted the first draft.  I thought, as you did, that it completed the story.

Glad you liked this and cheers again for the review.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 30 - 81
Tommyp
Posted: June 18th, 2009, 7:02am Report to Moderator
Been Around


Continuity Is For Pussies...

Location
Australia
Posts
701
Posts Per Day
0.12
Hey Alffy, just gave this one a read. I liked it, it was great. I don't have many points to fix in terms of your writing, except that it did get a confusing with all the flashbacks. Also, I didn't know if there were voiceovers over some of them. That could work, have a think about chucking some in.

I think this would look great on screen, and you have really described the era well. Also when the wife was dying, that was fantastic. The writing that is, I don't condone death. (Unless she's a whore obviously )

I don't really have much else to say, except well done. I couldn't find much problem with it, and besides being slightly confused with the flashbacks, it was a good read.


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 31 - 81
alffy
Posted: June 18th, 2009, 7:29am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
The bleak North East, England
Posts
2187
Posts Per Day
0.34
Cheers for the feedback Tommy.

I've had a few comment on the flashbacks but I purposely didn't indicate them as flashbacks because I wanted it to be a little confusing until the end when it, hopefully, all became clear.  Also as it wouldn't be indicated as a flashback on screen I didn't want it to be on the page.

Glad you liked it, cheers.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 32 - 81
dresseme
Posted: June 18th, 2009, 3:21pm Report to Moderator
Guest User



First off, I couldn't help but think of "The Rocketeer" when I saw your title.  Man, I love that movie.  I mean, who saw that as a kid and didn't want a jetpack?

But I digress.

As far as your descriptions go, I don't really have any complaints.  I do think it was a bit confusing (although it seems that you did this on purpose) to have the sluglines be a little misleading (or vague), but in the end, it's fine.

Your dialogue could use some work, in my opinion.  I know you were striving for that old-time feel, but I think you went a little overboard in parts.  It seems, to get that feel, you had everyone speaking in complete sentences all the time and it was a bit much at times.  An example:


Quoted from page 13


You there. Move yourself I will be sure to run you over.



That's just one example.  I feel like this sort of thing happens a lot.  It seemed to work for other people (from previous posts above), but for me it felt kind of clunky and unnatural.

The story itself was interesting and you wrote it in such a way that made it a real page-turner, leaving us constantly wondering what's going to happen next.  After all, you start off the script with him confessing, which leaves so many questions.  Did he do it? Why did he do it?  Why is he being so casual?

But in the end, I'm sorry to say, my questions weren't sufficiently answered.  I guess I really just don't get why Jacob would let himself be caught like this.  I can understand that he's upset and looking for revenge (and most importantly, shoving it in the guy's face), but it seems weird that he'd basically just give up his life so easily.  Another thing that bothered me is that the chocolate (for Frank) didn't take effect until the second Jacob mentioned it; it just seemed too convenient.

I did, however, like the scene where Jacob's wife died. Very well done.

But like I said, I was hooked into the story but just didn't really dig where it went in the end.
Logged
e-mail Reply: 33 - 81
alffy
Posted: June 18th, 2009, 5:01pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
The bleak North East, England
Posts
2187
Posts Per Day
0.34
Thanks for the read Dressel

Sorry you were a little disappointed.  I know what you mean about Jacob turning him self in to the police but it was a sure way of getting his vengence on Frank.  He wanted to make sure he died, like Rose and in a way himself.

I also know what you mean about Frank dying on cue but I couldn't think of a better way of working it.

I'm glad you did find it interesting and as you say, a page turner.

Thanks for your honest comments, should you want me to return the read just let me know mate.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 34 - 81
stevie
Posted: June 18th, 2009, 6:43pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients



Location
Down Under
Posts
3441
Posts Per Day
0.61
Hey alffy, I just read this. I only realised you have a lot more scripts here so i'll hunt them out!
I read some of the comments after reading. I was gonna say the flashbacks should be in the headers but i'm ok with your reasons for not. Actually one could argue for FB's to never be put in headers on that point. Each to his own I guess.
No, i really enjoyed this story. the era was very well depicted and i felt like Sherlock Holmes or someone walking the foggy streets!! The language was done well too but not so it wasn't easy to follow. There were a few commas missed out on short dialogue sentences, like before the word Detectives, but maybe that was pointed out in an earlier post.
i'm guessing the original title was a take on the film, 'From Hell'? Good flick that.
Overall this was great work. Cheers



Logged
Private Message Reply: 35 - 81
alffy
Posted: June 19th, 2009, 6:12am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
The bleak North East, England
Posts
2187
Posts Per Day
0.34
Cheers stevie, glad you enjoyed it.

Yeah the flashbacks...the bloody flashbacks lol.  I think I would argue that they don't have to be indicated, like I've said, they're not indicated on screen and so I wanted it read as it would be shown...confusing.  So that it slowly became clear as the story developed.

Anywho thanks again mate and yeah the original title was a play on 'From Hell'.  I definately prefer my new title though.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 36 - 81
jwent6688
Posted: June 21st, 2009, 10:26am Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Wherever I go, there Jwent.

Posts
1858
Posts Per Day
0.33
Heh Alffy. Owed you a read so here goes. Very good story. Can't tell you if the dialogue is good for the time period or not, but it felt spot on. Could tell you did some research.
Felt the motivation was weak for Jacob to murder his wife. What does he care about his social status if he's just going to admit to the murder anyway??? He's through.

Loved the scene where his wife dies. Bloody and gory. But, being the realist that I am, I don't even think there's a poison available today that could have you spewing blood from all orifices.

Wouldn't have minded a way for Jacob to set his wife up to be murdered by Frank, since he knew he was the murderer. Then Jacob could have poisoned him after.

hope this helped a little. You kept my interest all the way through though. Nice Work.

James


Logged
Private Message Reply: 37 - 81
alffy
Posted: June 21st, 2009, 3:49pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
The bleak North East, England
Posts
2187
Posts Per Day
0.34
Thanks for the read James.

I wanted Jacob to come across as someone who thinks he's above his status but also a bit crazy.  Also he isn't aware Frank is the murderer/ripper he just knows he paying for sex with his wife, that's why he wants them both dead.

As for the poison, well I didn't refer to any specific one but there are a few that could cause similar outcomes.  Aresnic can cause severe nausea and vomiting, colicky abdominal pain and profuse diarrhoea (bloody in some cases).

I am glad you found it interesting and enjoyed it.  I did do some research before I wrote so I'm glad you noticed, thanks again for the read.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 38 - 81
jwent6688
Posted: June 21st, 2009, 4:33pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Wherever I go, there Jwent.

Posts
1858
Posts Per Day
0.33
Dropped the ball on that one. I really thought Jacob knew Frank was the murderer. Gotta get better at breaking down what i read in a screenplay. On film it's so much easier to comprehend.

So Frank is having sex with her, yet he doesn't murder her?


Logged
Private Message Reply: 39 - 81
alffy
Posted: June 22nd, 2009, 8:55am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
The bleak North East, England
Posts
2187
Posts Per Day
0.34
Yeah, Frank is using the prostitutes for sex but doesn't kill all the ones he sleeps with.

I did my homework and wrote Frank's character as someone who could have been 'Jack the Ripper'.  I have it so he kills the right prostitues at the right time, suggesting an alternative story for him, that's why the Whitechapel murders stopped, because he was killed by Jacob.  It might not be easy to pick up on this if you're not up on the Ripper murders.  I don't think you're the first to miss this, maybe I shouldn't assume that everyone would pick up on this.  My fault really.

Anywho hope this makes it a bit clearer lol.  Take it easy and let me know if you want me to read over anything.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 40 - 81
Jayden Creighton
Posted: July 30th, 2009, 7:12am Report to Moderator
New



Location
Lismore
Posts
37
Posts Per Day
0.01
Wow, well done mate, that was one of the better ones I've read for a long while.

You've nailed the setting, dialogue and characters... I thought Frank smoked a little to heavily but I can see how that is necassary for the ending.

Cobblestone streets and chocolate gave me a strong visualisation of a cross between Charlie and the Chocolate factory and Sweeney Todd (great stuff)

Like the Jack the Ripper spin you've taken, and the research you've done really puts some realism and structure into the story.

One small thing, isn't a detective in London during this time referred to as a Constable? I could be wrong, I'm definately not a history buff haha.

All in all, loved it... look forward to reading more in the future.

Muchlove, Jayden


ED .
FEVER DREAMS
THE DOORS ARE CLOSED                                                                            
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 41 - 81
alffy
Posted: July 30th, 2009, 10:48am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
The bleak North East, England
Posts
2187
Posts Per Day
0.34
Thanks for the read Jayden.


Quoted from Jayden Creighton
Wow, well done mate, that was one of the better ones I've read for a long while.


Thanks.


Quoted from Jayden Creighton
Like the Jack the Ripper spin you've taken, and the research you've done really puts some realism and structure into the story.

One small thing, isn't a detective in London during this time referred to as a Constable? I could be wrong, I'm definately not a history buff haha.


I did put quite a bit of research into this and tried hard to set a good scene.  I thought the Jack the Ripper side story would help keep it interesting, I can't think of many times when Jack would be upstaged in a story lol.  As for the constables, I better check that but thanks for pointing it out.  I'm pretty sure though Abberline who heading the investigation for Jack the Ripper was refered to as Detective Abberline.

Thanks again for the read and glad you enjoyed it.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 42 - 81
James McClung
Posted: July 30th, 2009, 2:08pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients



Location
Washington, D.C.
Posts
3293
Posts Per Day
0.49
This was a lotta fun to read. I really enjoy your particular brand of horror. Meat Pies is one of my favorite shorts around here. This one wasn't as funny but still extremely entertaining. Your dialogue is excellent. I can really imagine people back then talking like this. Your British-isms give a similar sense of charm that Meat Pies had.

I liked how Jack The Ripper was essentially downplayed throughout. I actually would've liked to have seen more of Jacob. This is his story, even as it is now, but Jack's/Frank's story is still quite prominent. I also think you could have a more obvious reveal that Frank was after Jacob's husband. I was a little confused here. I too thought that he knew Frank was Jack. I think what you were going for is an even better idea. It'd work to your advantage if you had less of a chance of people swaying the other way.

Also, the kills were pretty cool. Poison is an underrated weapon as it can do a lot nastier things than a knife or a gun, at times. I like the blood dripping from every orifice. Always cool when that happens in movies. There's definitely a good sense of splatter here without going overboard. The balance of light and dark here works very well. Chocolate generally implies lightheartedness.

Anyway, like I said, I really liked this one. It's been around for a while, it seems, so I imagine you've ironed out most of the problematic parts. Now I'd recommend you just build on what works best. Hope this helps.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 43 - 81
alffy
Posted: July 30th, 2009, 3:49pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
The bleak North East, England
Posts
2187
Posts Per Day
0.34
Hey James, cheers for the review.


Quoted from James McClung
Your dialogue is excellent.


Glad you thought so, as this was something I tried really hard to get right.


Quoted from James McClung
I liked how Jack The Ripper was essentially downplayed throughout. I actually would've liked to have seen more of Jacob. This is his story, even as it is now, but Jack's/Frank's story is still quite prominent.


Yeah, Jacob is the main character and his actions lead the story, perhaps I could build on this at a later date.  I'm glad you thought that me playing down the Jack the Ripper role worked ok.


Quoted from James McClung
Poison is an underrated weapon..


Why does this sound like it comes from experience? lol


Quoted from James McClung
Meat Pies is one of my favorite shorts around here.


I've actually finished the feature version, now called 'Pub Lunch' but am waiting till I get back off my honeymoon to post it.  Hope it goes down alright as Meat Pies seemed to tickle a lot of people here.

Anywho, thanks for the read James and glad you enjoyed it.  I might do another rewrite at so point and take your comments on board.  I've actually considered extending this as well but who knows...


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 44 - 81
malcolm3
Posted: November 26th, 2009, 4:26pm Report to Moderator
New


Posts
130
Posts Per Day
0.02
Alffy,
I'll have a look at this one tomorrow Affy, if you don't mind?
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 45 - 81
malcolm3
Posted: November 27th, 2009, 7:31am Report to Moderator
New


Posts
130
Posts Per Day
0.02
Alffy,

I gave this a read. Then gave it another. Like some of the other comments, I did get a little confused with the flashbacks at times. Ultimately, I think they worked.

There were a couple of minor things. There's an apostrophe missing from Jacobs on Page 3 and the use of Publicans to describe the custom of a pub, but these are small things and easily fixed.

In all, I really enjoyed this. I thought you caught the period just right.

Being somewhat new to this malarkey, I do however, have a burning question.

What did you do with it?

It's obviously filmable - probably TV. And would make a nice little infill that they use on occaision. This kind of period piece we Brits do so well.

Did you send it anywhere? Do anything with it? What?
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 46 - 81
alffy
Posted: November 28th, 2009, 12:10pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
The bleak North East, England
Posts
2187
Posts Per Day
0.34
Malcolm, thanks for the read.

As for the flashbacks, well I do usually indicate them in my slugs but for this decided not to as I wanted it to all become clear at the end.  It has confused some readers but overall I think it keeps it interesting.

I haven't done anything with this, I had an actress from the States asking if she could film some of the Rose scenes for her portfolio.  I was thinking of maybe sending it to the BBC's writers room, although I think they don't encourage you to send shorts but I still might.  I'm thinking of sending them my new feature when I finish the rewrite.

Anyway Malcolm, thanks agin for the read and glad you liked it.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 47 - 81
malcolm3
Posted: November 28th, 2009, 12:42pm Report to Moderator
New


Posts
130
Posts Per Day
0.02
Alffy,
Unfortunately the BBC writers Room have changed their rules again for next year and added new rules Etc.

Still - always worth a try.

Nice one Alf.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 48 - 81
alffy
Posted: November 28th, 2009, 1:24pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
The bleak North East, England
Posts
2187
Posts Per Day
0.34
Yeah I've noticed the minimum page limit is now 30 pages so I might need to rewrite this again lol.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 49 - 81
Colkurtz8
Posted: November 30th, 2009, 6:36am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
--> Over There
Posts
1731
Posts Per Day
0.30
Alffy

I really enjoyed this, a great plot which you unfolded brilliantly and allowed to thicken and thicken till the losing scenes. It hooked me so much that I went back to give it a second read, just to get everything straight in my head. This wasn't a case of the story being too convoluted just my lack of brain power in grasping the whole picture first time around.

I could see the tainted chocolate twist coming but it didn't matter, it was still executed superbly. Great use of non linear storytelling to let us piece together the events incrementally over the course of the script.

The 19th London back drop was perfect, excellent choice in which to tell this type of story, you really captured the cluttered, diseased ridden streets of that period, from rowdy, boisterous ale houses to women of easy leisure at every turn and grimy alleyway.

And all wrapped up in a tight 20 pages, nice work, man.

Col.


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 50 - 81
alffy
Posted: November 30th, 2009, 12:12pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
The bleak North East, England
Posts
2187
Posts Per Day
0.34

Quoted from Colkurtz8
I really enjoyed this, a great plot which you unfolded brilliantly and allowed to thicken and thicken till the losing scenes. It hooked me so much that I went back to give it a second read, just to get everything straight in my head.


Wow, thanks very much Col.  I'm just glad it didn't confuse the hell out of you lol.  I'm sorry you saw the ending coming but at least you still enjoyed.  

As for the 20 pages, I've thought a few times of expanded this but to be fair I think it's pretty much how I want it.  Most people seem to like the setting too, which is good but the original draft took place in modern England and reading over it again, it pretty much sucks!

Thanks for the review and I'll be happy to read one of yours in exchange.  pm me which one you want me to check out mate.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 51 - 81
Mr. Blonde
Posted: November 30th, 2009, 12:23pm Report to Moderator
Administrator


What good are choices if they're all bad?

Location
Nowhere special.
Posts
3064
Posts Per Day
0.57
Hey Alf. Currently half-way through. Should have my review up in a jiffy.

-Sean


Logged
Private Message Reply: 52 - 81
Takeshi
Posted: December 1st, 2009, 4:46am Report to Moderator
Guest User



Hey Alffy,

There seems to be a bit of buzz on the boards about this at the moment, so I thought I’d check it out.
The last script of yours I read was a Trip to Zoo and from memory you've come a long way. I read this at work so I'm not going to give it an in -depth analysis. But I thought the story was interesting and it was very well paced. I liked the way you flagged the ending in the opening scene without over playing it and the dialogue seemed very authentic for the period. Your descriptions were very economical and effective too.

Well done.
Logged
e-mail Reply: 53 - 81
alffy
Posted: December 1st, 2009, 12:11pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
The bleak North East, England
Posts
2187
Posts Per Day
0.34
Chris, cheers mate.

A Trip to Zoo, wow that was my first script lol.  I'm glad you enjoyed this and also that I've improved over the years.  

pm if you want me to read something of yours.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 54 - 81
Mr. Blonde
Posted: December 1st, 2009, 10:40pm Report to Moderator
Administrator


What good are choices if they're all bad?

Location
Nowhere special.
Posts
3064
Posts Per Day
0.57
Ok. Finished.

I'll begin with the good.

Really good period piece.
Your descriptions made me feel like I was there. They really did.
Ol' Jacob, whenever I'd visualize him in my head, I always pictured him as a midget. Just, for some reason, that popped into my head when he'd speak.

Now, the bad.

I didn't like it, but it has nothing to do with the story. The story is very good, it's just not my type of story. Sorry.  Kind of like when I watch the Bourne movies. I don't like them, but I understand why people do. =)
"I am Jack's lack of commas." Let's put it this way, I stopped keeping track of missing commas by page 6. I think it was page 6.

Here's the notes I made. They're messy, but it's because I was writing them in Notepad as I read. I numbered them, but for the commas and stuff, they stop early and I just note big things from then on. =)

Notes:

Page 1:

Horse-drawn.
Amongst instead of among
outside a small shop;

Page 2:

Good morning, gentlemen.
Good morning, sir.
So it was curiousity, Detective?
Perhaps, Mr. Stiles.
That it did, Detective.

Page 3:

Passive verbiage. "His eyes cut"
over-populated
No time at all, Mr. Stiles.
Frank ignores Jacobs.
Edward's face.
I would think not, Detective.

Page 4:

Please, Mr. Stiles.
Police Detectives.
murdered Mr. Stiles.
My wife Detective.

Page 5:

"Why would I show any or indeed
feel any, after all it was I who
murdered her."
More formally, Mr. Stiles.

Page 6:

with this one, Frank.
too many, it seems

Page 15:

I'd mark it as a flashback, although it makes sense on its own.

Page 16:

"She hangs head"

I hope this is helpful to you and I want you to know that it was very well executed.

8/10 for a good story.

-Sean


Logged
Private Message Reply: 55 - 81
alffy
Posted: December 2nd, 2009, 1:16pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
The bleak North East, England
Posts
2187
Posts Per Day
0.34
Sean, cheers for the read and sorry it wasn't up your street.  Thanks too for pointing out the errors, I'll fix them.  I'm glad you liked the story though, as for Jacob being a midget...I'm not sure why you pictured him being on but it would be funny to see only a head behind the shop counter lol.

Cheers for the feedback.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 56 - 81
Mr. Blonde
Posted: December 2nd, 2009, 1:39pm Report to Moderator
Administrator


What good are choices if they're all bad?

Location
Nowhere special.
Posts
3064
Posts Per Day
0.57

Quoted from alffy
Sean, cheers for the read and sorry it wasn't up your street.  Thanks too for pointing out the errors, I'll fix them.  I'm glad you liked the story though, as for Jacob being a midget...I'm not sure why you pictured him being on but it would be funny to see only a head behind the shop counter lol.

Cheers for the feedback.


No problem, man. Was only fair. =)


Logged
Private Message Reply: 57 - 81
craig cooper-flintstone
Posted: December 2nd, 2009, 2:07pm Report to Moderator
New


'Ey up.

Location
Derbyshire, UK
Posts
253
Posts Per Day
0.05
Hi Alffy,

A fantastic short you've got here.

I'd agree with some of the previous comments regarding the flashbacks being a little bit confusing at times, but I don't know how else you would convey the story- It work work out great on film, I reckon.

The dialogue seems 'right' for the period, and the descriptions of the horrible murky locations worked brilliantly.

I spotted a couple of things that I don't think others have mentioned though-

'The cobble stone streets team with life.' - I think cobblestone is one word, and 'team' should be 'teem'?

One thing I couldn't work out was- at the beginning of the story you wrote:

'A single chocolate stands on a tray placed on the counter.
A large truffle sculpted beautifully. An attached note
reads ‘The best in London, please try one’.'

But in the flashback near the end, it changed to:

'A tray of mouth watering chocolates stands on the counter.
An attached note reads ‘The best in London, please try
one’.'

Was this intentional or am I missing something?

Other than that Alffy, it's a grand old piece.

Great work

Craig


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 58 - 81
alffy
Posted: December 2nd, 2009, 2:23pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
The bleak North East, England
Posts
2187
Posts Per Day
0.34
Cheers Craig, glad you liked it.

As for the flashbacks, well I pondered them for a while but thought it worked without them and added to the story.  I wanted it to be slightly confusing, and only become clear at the end.

Thanks for spotting the mistake at the end with the flashback.  That's due to me changing it and forgetting to change the flashback, doh!

Cobblestone...cobble stone, you know I think I've changed this about three times now.  Someone says it's one way, then someone another...I'm just confused, where's that damn dictionary!

I'm glad you liked the descriptions, I tried to paint a dark and murky setting.

Cheers for your thoughts, glad you enjoyed it.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 59 - 81
alffy
Posted: December 2nd, 2009, 2:26pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
The bleak North East, England
Posts
2187
Posts Per Day
0.34
Ok, so I've had some comments on my bad grammer, missing out comma's and the like.  I'd like to thank everyone for pointing them out, I'm going to get someone to point them all out for me.  I'm not a lazy proof reader, just a bit thick I think lol.  For this I apologise.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 60 - 81
craig cooper-flintstone
Posted: December 2nd, 2009, 2:27pm Report to Moderator
New


'Ey up.

Location
Derbyshire, UK
Posts
253
Posts Per Day
0.05
I did enjoy it chap,

As I said- they were only minor things, and you're right about the flashbacks- they do become clearer as you progress.

You succeeded in painting dark and murky!

Craig



Revision History (1 edits)
craig cooper-flintstone  -  December 2nd, 2009, 4:52pm
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 61 - 81
alffy
Posted: December 2nd, 2009, 3:58pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
The bleak North East, England
Posts
2187
Posts Per Day
0.34
Ok, I've had some help from a qualified English Teacher...my wife.  So everything will be correct, grammer wise, when the new version gets uploaded


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 62 - 81
Craiger6
Posted: December 2nd, 2009, 4:43pm Report to Moderator
New



Location
Staten Island, New York
Posts
239
Posts Per Day
0.05
Hey Allfy,

Just finished this one and like most everyone else I really enjoyed it.  I actually just picked up a Ripper book so this was right up my alley.  I loved the vibe and the dialouge.  I'm not a qualified historian, but it certainly felt very realistic to me.  

My only quibble which others have mentioned was with the un-labled falshbacks, but after a while I think you more or less get the drift and are back on track.  Certainly not enough to affect the overall enjoyment of the piece.  

Anyway, great job and look forward to reading more.

Craig


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 63 - 81
alffy
Posted: December 3rd, 2009, 3:14am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
The bleak North East, England
Posts
2187
Posts Per Day
0.34
Cheers Craig.

I did a bit of research for this so the locations, victims and dates should all be correct.  Glad you liked the feel and enjoyed it.

I've had mixed opinions on the flashbacks, some want them labeled, some dont.  I'm not sure, I like how it's not clear they are flashbacks at the moment, as I've said previously, on screen you wouldn't know it was a flashback and would have to work it out, so why not the same when reading it.  I wanted this to be a non-linear story, like Memento was.  You were never sure what order scenes were in until the end.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 64 - 81
Heretic
Posted: December 5th, 2009, 5:35pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada
Posts
2023
Posts Per Day
0.28
As I go:

You misspelled "teem" in the first sentence.  Not a good start!

I find the descriptions of Frank and Edward to be very bland and arbitrary.  

What season is it?  For some reason I particularly want to know.  What do you imagine it as?  Not that I think you need to include that in the script -- just curious.

Hey, I like this story!

There's some missing punctuation in dialogue, which bothers me.

Jacob's oh-so-cool H. Lecter attitude is a little overdone, in my opinion.  He's not selling me on being a badass.

It took Jacob five pages to get to the point.  Too long for me.  It's not like the dialogue through these first five pages was totally uninteresting but it's not particularly important as there are no stakes as of yet.  I guess what I'm saying is, the build is to slow, to me, for a script of this length.

I really like all this stuff, the next few scenes after the first one!  Exciting!  The bedroom scene is brilliant.

Aren't Edward and Jacob the names of the two main assclowns in Twilight?  

I also wonder why they wouldn't believe him.  Confessions aren't particularly unusual, are they?

Frank keeps saying Jacob's name in his dialogue, it's annoying.  I always do that in my scripts too...

This really needs a proofread, by the way.

Jacob's really coming across to me like a lame Lecter wannabe.  I don't know what it is exactly.

These flashbacks are seriously badass.  So awesome.

There's quite a lot of actor direction in the action passages.  If this were to get made someone would be given the job of erasing it all, or the actors would have to do it themselves.  Not good business.

Some of this Frank/Edward/Jacob dialogue is astonishingly redundant.  I think part of what makes Jacob seem lame is that Frank finds it necessary to be extremely obvious in his questions.  I'm on page 11 in particular, but I think that this has been a problem throughout the script.  We are figuring things out long before Frank says them.  As soon as Jacob says that he murdered his wife, and then we cut to a couple in a bedroom, we instantly assume that he murdered her for infidelity.  That's great writing -- no need to back it up with boring dialogue.

Yeah, where is his wife?  Finally we get to a good question.  There hasn't been any movement here for a long time.

Oh darn, I was hoping Frank wouldn't kill her.  Twist was obvious.  Good scene though!  You know, your description writing is excellent.  You paint a picture clearly and easily.

The flashback to Frank eating the chocolate is totally unnecessary.  We remember.

Does her death really need to be this long and unpleasant and graphic?

Thoughts:

Well it is a fun, intricate, and interesting story Alffy, and I enjoyed watching it unfold.  But what is it about?  What does it mean?  What do we take from it?  You are dealing with dark topics and graphic gore in a fairly serious tone, and I submit that to justify doing so you must offer a serious message.  I see no such message here.

The non-linear storytelling is absolutely excellent, pulled off very well.  But to me, this script is all flash and no substance.  What does it mean to you?

P.S.  I think this script would be cool if it were set in the winter with snow falling!  That's not helpful input...I'm just letting you know.  Haha.
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 65 - 81
alffy
Posted: December 6th, 2009, 6:42am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
The bleak North East, England
Posts
2187
Posts Per Day
0.34
Cheers for the read Heretic, and I'll try answer some of questions.


Quoted from Heretic
This really needs a proofread, by the way.


I've covered this in a post just above yours.  The new daft should fix these.


Quoted from Heretic
It took Jacob five pages to get to the point.  Too long for me.  It's not like the dialogue through these first five pages was totally uninteresting but it's not particularly important as there are no stakes as of yet.  I guess what I'm saying is, the build is to slow, to me, for a script of this length.


Sorry you thought this.


Quoted from Heretic
I really like all this stuff, the next few scenes after the first one!  Exciting!  The bedroom scene is brilliant.


Thanks.


Quoted from Heretic
Aren't Edward and Jacob the names of the two main assclowns in Twilight?  


I don't know, I've never seen it.


Quoted from Heretic
These flashbacks are seriously badass.  So awesome.


Thanks, glad you liked them.


Quoted from Heretic
The flashback to Frank eating the chocolate is totally unnecessary.  We remember.


Damn, I thought you liked the flashbacks!?  Point taken though, it was only shown 15 minutes early, so I guess you'd remember.


Quoted from Heretic
Does her death really need to be this long and unpleasant and graphic?


Yes.


Quoted from Heretic
...But what is it about?  What does it mean?  What do we take from it?  You are dealing with dark topics and graphic gore in a fairly serious tone, and I submit that to justify doing so you must offer a serious message.  I see no such message here.


What?  I'm too hungover for this question today.

Heretic, I left wondering what you really thought of this.  You liked the flashbacks and the non-linear story but hated the dialogue throughout.  You liked the descriptions but didn't like the characters.  So I'm guessing it's a bit of a mixed bag for you?  As for...


Quoted from Heretic
But to me, this script is all flash and no substance.  What does it mean to you?


...I'm not sure what you were looking for here?  What it means to me is, a story that involves temptation and retribution which includes England's most famous serial killer as a secondary story.  Frank is a complete fictional character but is shown to be/might have been Jack the Ripper and Jacob's poison of him ended the Whitecahpel murders.  I thought it would be interesting to make the Ripper story the subplot.  The message is surely obvious, don't sleep with Jacob's wife lol.

I hope I've answered some of your questions and thanks for the detailed review, it's greatly appreciated.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 66 - 81
ajr
Posted: April 11th, 2010, 8:04pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Posts
1482
Posts Per Day
0.28
Alffy,

I just read this over at Circalit, and I liked it so much I wanted to give you a well-deserved bump on this.

First off, spectacularly clean writing. And with the cadence of the dialogue I could hear the accents in my head.

As for the story – brilliant idea, well told, and well-folded into the story of the Ripper.
It’s rare that I don’t have the slightest comment – but in this case I don’t.

Fabulous job – well done!

Anthony


Click HERE to read JOHN LENNON'S HEAVEN https://preview.tinyurl.com/John-Lennon-s-Heaven-110-pgs/
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 67 - 81
alffy
Posted: April 12th, 2010, 12:20pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
The bleak North East, England
Posts
2187
Posts Per Day
0.34
Cheers bud, thanks for the read and the nice feedback.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 68 - 81
dogglebe
Posted: April 13th, 2010, 3:46pm Report to Moderator
Guest User



This was probably the best read I've had, here, in a while.  I enjoyed it a great deal.

I was very impressed with the story.  It had the flavor of the period and, fortunately, you kept it far enough about from the Whitechapel Murders where it wasn't a Jack the Ripper piece.  The characters were crisp enough for me and the story didn't really drag; the story could've benefited from some more action, even just police officers running to crime scenes.  It looked like you researched London a little bit, regarding how things were back then.


Phil
Logged
e-mail Reply: 69 - 81
grademan
Posted: April 15th, 2010, 9:06am Report to Moderator
Been Around



Location
Wisconsin
Posts
872
Posts Per Day
0.16
Alffy,

This was very well done. Your chops are very good in this one. Very imaginative too.
I didn't read it before because the title didn't interest me. I am kicking myself for robbing myself of a great read earlier.

Glad I read it.

Gary
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 70 - 81
alffy
Posted: April 15th, 2010, 9:52am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
The bleak North East, England
Posts
2187
Posts Per Day
0.34
Thanks Phil and Gary, glad you both enjoyed the script.  I did put some research into it and I think it helped.  I'm also glad neither of you said 'it's too confusing'.  Some have commented that the flashbacks need to be labled but I'm glad it worked for you two.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 71 - 81
dogglebe
Posted: April 15th, 2010, 10:25am Report to Moderator
Guest User



I didn't have a problem with the flashback.  Then again, I'm a super-genius.  If others are having problems with it, then you should do something with them.


Phil
Logged
e-mail Reply: 72 - 81
Mr. Blonde
Posted: April 15th, 2010, 11:39am Report to Moderator
Administrator


What good are choices if they're all bad?

Location
Nowhere special.
Posts
3064
Posts Per Day
0.57

Quoted from alffy
I'm also glad neither of you said 'it's too confusing'.  Some have commented that the flashbacks need to be labled but I'm glad it worked for you two.


Yeah, I don't know how a person would be confused by the flashbacks. They were done so well that I don't know how they'd miss them.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 73 - 81
alffy
Posted: April 17th, 2010, 1:46pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
The bleak North East, England
Posts
2187
Posts Per Day
0.34
I guess some people are sticklers for format and as I didn't label them they were annoyed
Personally, I think it works okay and helps give the story a bit more mystery.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 74 - 81
Coding Herman
Posted: June 11th, 2010, 3:07pm Report to Moderator
New



Location
Toronto, Canada
Posts
455
Posts Per Day
0.09
Just read your piece, Alfy.

Overall I enjoyed it, I didn't catch the twist that the chocolate was poisoned and Frank ate it.

However, the middle was a bit muddled with so many different characters. Maybe I'm just too dense, I don't get the significance of Frank with the prostitute, Liz. And how did Liz die? I'm assuming Frank killed her. So Frank is actually a parallel to Jacob?

Sometimes your description is a bit over-written, try to take out the "and"s. That would quicken our read.

Not a bad job at all, but I hope it'll be more engaging. Thanks.

Herman


FEATURE:

Memwipe
- Sci-Fi, Action, Thriller (114 pages) - In a world where memories can be erased by request, a Memory Erasing Specialist desperately searches for the culprit when his wife becomes a target for erasure -- with his former colleagues hot on his trail.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 75 - 81
alffy
Posted: June 14th, 2010, 11:28am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
The bleak North East, England
Posts
2187
Posts Per Day
0.34
Cheers for the read Herman.

Frank kills Liz as this suggests he is the legendary serial killer 'Jack the Ripper' and Elisabeth Stride (Long Liz) was one of his victims, as were the other prostitutes that died in the short.  Glad you enjoyed it.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 76 - 81
Reef Dreamer
Posted: May 30th, 2012, 3:35pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Part time writer

Location
The Island of Jersey
Posts
2612
Posts Per Day
0.57
Hey Alffy,

Glad to return the read. This one - by script writing standards - is an old bird. But one thing i have learnt around here is that there is some good stuff hidden away.

I haven't read any other feedback pre this so lets have a look;

Fade in on the right - those were the days!
P7 and haven't really any notes to make although i thought jacob would have been more direct if thats what he really wanted to happen
p9 whats a black smile?
p11 the price of wifes death is his reputation...but he asks the police to arrest him?
p13 for a short film you are moving scenes a lot - it would be one damn expensive production! Almost up there with my Falling Angels
p15 i really like the reversal of the beginning scene - really good
p16 poison starts to work - i wonder what that could be in those days. did you have anything in mind
p18 poison of Frank - this appears to be much slower than Rose - may need explaining. Not sure i buy this as the same stuff.

Overall

A decently woven tale with a part non linear format which worked for me.

A couple of thoughts;

Jacob - i don't feel he is resolved. Why confess? What happens? Why not let the detective take the chocolate and leave?

Frank - he kills, then goes off with girls normally. Whilst i can understand this, the inconsistent element for a short may confuse. did i read this right?

But lets be clear this is a decent tale, well constructed and clear characters revealed.

all the best.




My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
Logged
Private Message Reply: 77 - 81
alffy
Posted: May 30th, 2012, 4:01pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
The bleak North East, England
Posts
2187
Posts Per Day
0.34
Bill, cheers for the read.

This was written for a series and had a page limit...I think?  You've brought up some good issues and I could expand and explain these.  I have thought of going back to this but then again something always nags at me to leave it now and move on.

A black smile is just a reference to black teeth.

Rose dies quicker as she eats a whole box of chocolates while Frank, just the one.

Frank's killing of prostitutes.  I don't know if you picked up on this but Frank is 'Jack the Ripper', hence after his death, the killings stopped.  The dates and victims are legit and I did some background to try and make sure it was accurate.

I'm glad you enjoyed it and hopefully didn't find it too hard to follow? lol.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 78 - 81
alffy
Posted: May 11th, 2017, 12:45pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
The bleak North East, England
Posts
2187
Posts Per Day
0.34
A very old script of mine but I've recently done a rewrite so might as well bump it up a bit lol.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 79 - 81
Busy Little Bee
Posted: May 20th, 2017, 3:32pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Los Angeles
Posts
324
Posts Per Day
0.05
Hey, Alffy

As far as bumping it. I'm glad you did. That was a great read. Easy on the eyes yet so much detail in the descriptive narrative. Yet, it didn't slow down the story at all which was feat IMO because there was a lot to infer.

The way you trusted the audience with the flashbacks. You showed us! The characters each had their own voice established within the short amount of time. I thought the ending was a solid call back to the beginning and a revelation fitting for a short. The lingering implications of who Frank was and what that meant was a nice touch too. Great job.

BLB


Commodus: But the Emperor Claudius knew that they were up to something. He knew they were busy little bees. And one night he sat down with one of them and he looked at her and he said, "Tell me what you have been doing, busy little bee..."
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 80 - 81
alffy
Posted: May 22nd, 2017, 1:20pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
The bleak North East, England
Posts
2187
Posts Per Day
0.34
Thanks for the kind words.  As for the flashbacks...well they're not indicated here but are on another draft lol. Some readers find it confusing that they're not there, some don't.  I did spend a lot of time on this little script, and it's probably my favourite.

Glad you enjoyed it, and if I can repay the review just drop me a pm.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 81 - 81
 Pages: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Short Horror  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006