Wow heck of a revenge story.

This is very well written and the story flows. Page waited quite a few years to get her revenge.
It's another slasher which I guess is Horror.

The only thing for me is that the 3 girls are so similar no real depth... you could at least make one slightly sympathic towards Page.

Other than that an enjoyable script.

First and foremost, I have to address the elephant in the room. I didn't dare attempt a horror reimagining of The Ugly Duckling because I would have been intimidated by the best version of the story ever put to celluloid -- Black Swan; you can't top Black Swan. So kudos to you for being so brave and daring.

I can't find any formatting or technical errors. Impressive!

You did pretty much what I was trying to do with mine -- a tormented girl gets her bloody revenge on her tormentors. Like me, you jumped around in time -- perhaps more coherently than I did, but I had a lot more story to tell within the page limit.

I love the contrast between the opening and closing shots. When you get to the end, you realize, "Wait a minute -- The beginning is what Page looks like in her mind!" The ending reminded me, favorably, of Pinocchio: A Taste for Flesh.

Your writing read like a pro. Outstanding job.

Recommend. A+

Oh lord... got a 'Silence O' the Lambs' thing going on here, brutal to say the least. Page: "Would you fuck me? I'd fuck me... I'd fuck me so hard."

So we have a girl that is overweight, braces, stutters, has acne... why not just give her a club foot to boot, poor thing... I can see why she lost hold of reality at some point in time.

The trio of bitches, IMO, should be just one pretty chick, and two ugly ones that follow her around because they're idiots. That could give way to a reasoning of them bullying Page; simply because they see themselves in her, but need to project their own inequalities onto someone a little less fortunate than they are. Page could even drop a hint that at some point in time one of them was actually her friend but, has slowly fallen away to the popular crowd, and now wears her 'douche bag behavior' like a badge of honor to keep the facade alive. That would definitely hurt Page more than the bullying alone, that it's coming from someone she used to care for.

The ending was not easy to stomach, I have a vivid imagination and that really fucked me up. There are people that can write horror well, and those who cannot... I cannot, but you sure the hell can. Gruesome tale, lucid descriptions and, as disturbing as they come, well done.

I like the writing very much, the story holds the reader's attention, completely -- even if it does leave the source material in shreds.

SPOILERS

The ending is dramatic and creates a weird balance to the earlier bullying by the Mean Girls -- on film it might be overwhelming, replacing even the awful images of brutality seen earlier.  

The forced blood and body fluid exchanges are so brilliant the reader (and the audience) might stumble into the improbably sensible conclusion that... well now, with all of those antibodies forming, immunity could be... and the raggedy vision of Page, on the final page, is all the more horrifying because it was almost (but not quite) expected.

I liked this.

You could cut out Paige's covnersation with her parents entirely. It's awkward, and the exposition it provides (Paige constantly gets bullied) is unnecessary.

I liked the opening vs the closing scene, how Paige sees herself vs how horrifying she really looks. It's a little strange that Paige took 14 years to enact a pretty simple act of revenge. It wasn't exactly a master plan.

Good work.

Decent title – "using unorthodox methods" says nothing. You could leave it out then.

P5 good characters so far, but now I expect some plot and genre.

Dialogue could be massively reduced. The script needs to be moving forward quicker imo.

Okay, you come back to the opening scene, which to me appears as an alternate reality, a pipe dream of the protagonist eventually. It is a good revenge story and I liked her but things definitely played out too slow.

Two revenge stories in a row.

That was stomach churning. I truly felt for Page and hoped that she would get her revenge, but then you ask yourself, at what cost because she is clearly screwed up.

But that's what makes a great story.

The writting is on point, flows very well.

Congratulations

Nicely written, but the story feels mostly like a straight-on revenge tale.
The twist at the end had me a bit confused.
I would have to backtrack to see if the image you open with is the same image (that we see) in the closing scene.
Or are we looking at it in a different way.
I do like Page giving Zoe a delicious face-lift. Not sure that the ending made up for what seemed like a very familiar revenge take — ugly girls gets picked on by the pretty monsters.
Still worth a consider. Very easy to read, I just wanted a few more clever spins along the way.

Thanks to everyone that read and commented on this.

I have done a small rewrite based on some suggestions. It will be on the normal thread soon.

I’m really happy with this script and am glad it received generally favourable reviews.

Cheers.

This is a slightly reworked version taking into account some suggestions from the reviews.


Thanks for getting this up, Don.

Hey Warren, I didn't go back and check for differences, but I think I see them.

Couple questions/comments...

You start with Page being 26 and beautiful, but then in "present time", Page is 30 and fat and ugly, so something doesn't make sense.  And, IMO, you're jumping around different times too much.  I think the opening is a mistake and can be cut completely.

Is the dog scene new?  I like it, but you didn't intro the dog, unless it was earlier and I missed it - I did kind of skim this read.

Did you add some detail to the scene with Page cutting off one of the girl's face?  I like it.

Overall, still a good piece, and maybe better with the added scenes, but the intro needs attention and should probably be cut completely.

Hey Warren,
    Nice job.  You made me feel for Page.  That's a good thing.  

I am not sure how cutting off the skin of her victims translates to her being pretty.  Maybe if she walked around "seeing" herself as this swan, but, she looks like Leatherface (I mean, she is wearing someone else's skin), so, I've heard of nip/tuck, but, this is far beyond that.

Solid job.

Dan

Thanks for reading, Dan and Jeff.

Quoted Text You start with Page being 26 and beautiful, but then in "present time", Page is 30

In the rewrite I changed all the older version of the girl's ages to 26. The 30 was one I missed, that has now been corrected. I thought it would be easier and more cost effective to get one actor to play a 16 year old and a 26 year old.

Quoted Text I think the opening is a mistake and can be cut completely. but the intro needs attention and should probably be cut completely.

The into is basically the entire point of my short, It 100% has to stay, in Page's eyes she has finally become beautiful, but we find out at the end that is only her perspective of how she sees herself.

Quoted Text Is the dog scene new?  I like it, but you didn't intro the dog, unless it was earlier and I missed it - I did kind of skim this read.

The dog is new and yes it was introduced, you just missed it.

What I changed/added was the dog. The scene where she kills the dog is there so that we see that even a a young age she is starting to turn into the monster she will become.

Warren,

Nice job.  The opening doesn't work for me.  If Page looks flawless as she passes the men, how can she come back later as ugly?

The taunting scene works.  The scene with her mom is overlong, I think.  Find a way to shorten it, as it's mainly a way to intro Jedda.  

Do you need the Jedda scene?  I know it's to display Page's killing proclivity, but seems a particularly brutal way, and dog lovers will hate her.  Maybe pull wings off butterflies?

The ending is satisfying.  What goes around comes around.  The last scene works very well.  Sicko Page has claimed the beauty of her taunters.  Great

Best
Richard

Thanks for reading, Richard.

Quoted Text The opening doesn't work for me.  If Page looks flawless as she passes the men, how can she come back later as ugly?

Because it’s her perception of herself, she is finally beautiful in her own eyes. The story is nothing without the opening.

Quoted Text The scene with her mom is overlong, I think.  Find a way to shorten it, as it's mainly a way to intro Jedda.

It intros Jedda, it also shows that Madison used to be a close friend, and it is the link to the story it was adapted from.