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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Horror  ›  Manikin
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  Author    Manikin  (currently 2793 views)
Gary Manson
Posted: November 17th, 2016, 1:34pm Report to Moderator
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Jeff,

I do know I have made stupid mistakes and I'm trying to rectify them.

Yes I have read two of your scripts and I like them both, I will leave feedback as soon as I sort my script out.

You certainly have made me get a better understanding of the importance of punctuation, and for that I thank you.

Cheers
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ghost and_ghostie gal
Posted: November 19th, 2016, 7:11pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Gary Manson
as soon as I sort my script out.


Should i hold off on posting my notes?

Ghostie


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LC
Posted: November 20th, 2016, 3:49am Report to Moderator
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PM'd you Gazza.

....

Hey Ghostie, how are you?! Always good to see you about.


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Gary Manson
Posted: November 20th, 2016, 5:29am Report to Moderator
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Hi, Ghostwriter, yeah if you would hold off a bit, I am in the process of going through it again.
Should be done later today.

Cheers

Gary
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Gary Manson
Posted: November 20th, 2016, 5:38am Report to Moderator
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Hi, Libby, thank you very much, you have been very helpful in your PM. I am working on it today.

The point you made, regarding scenes, makes so much sense and I know it will help tremendously. By the end of the day, I am hoping the script will read a lot better.

Once again many thanks.

Gary
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LC
Posted: November 20th, 2016, 6:39am Report to Moderator
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Sent you two PMs just in case you logged out before seeing the first. No need to respond if you got both. Lots of  great ideas and vibe in this. Look forward to the next draft.


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Gary Manson
Posted: November 21st, 2016, 6:01am Report to Moderator
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Hi, everyone, I don't know if I'm putting this in the right place or not, but I have just uploaded my second draft of my second script titled: Manikin.

I would love some feedback, and or comments.

Cheers

Gazza
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Dreamscale
Posted: November 21st, 2016, 11:52am Report to Moderator
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Gary, sorry to say, but still loaded with problems and mistakes, including use of commas, unfilmables, orphans, and awkward writing.

I'm not sure what your opening 5 line passage is even supposed to be.  Is it a SUPER?  If so, you have to say so, but this isn't going to work as a SUPER, so I'm unclear.

"simulation technician officer" - this is an unfilmable, as there's no way anyone watching a filmed version would know this - it's simply you, the writer, telling us.

I'm assuming the "good looking young man" is Rick's dead son, but since Rick is only 35, I'm wondering how old his son was when he died - meaning, it's highly unlikely he was a "young man"...more probably a boy/kid/teen/etc.

"beams into the camera" - Huh?  What camera?

You're missing commas throughout and need to study up on how to use them.

Turn off the "CONTINUED" in your software on the tops and bottoms of each page - you don't want or need this.
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Gary Manson
Posted: November 21st, 2016, 1:15pm Report to Moderator
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Hi, Jeff, Sorry to say but yes there are still errors, which I will work on now.

Yes, you're right about the passage, I have removed that.
You are also correct where I put OFFICER; I have removed that too.

Bobby is Rick's brother, not his son, mentioned on page 8.

Where I have put good a looking young man beams into the camera,
it's (BOBBY) in the photo beaming into the camera. If you didn't get that,
I guess I should change it.

I have also turned off CONTINUED; I wasn't aware that was a, NO, NO.

Thank you for pointing these issues out, I will get there eventually.
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RichardR
Posted: November 21st, 2016, 1:17pm Report to Moderator
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Some notes.

There are multiple English errors in this version.  I think you might find a good writer who can help you with editing.  No one will take you seriously if you can't turn a correct sentence.

Storywise, this one is all over the place.  I think you need to rethink just how you want to tell this one.  Basically, one brother finds a way to transfer himself to a manikin.  The other brother is so connected he dreams or sees what the manikin does.  OK,  I'll buy that.  It might help to make them twins.  Twins sometimes have special connections.   So, distill this one down to the necessary scenes.  Rick empties the locker.  His co-worker loads the wrong firmware, getting Bobby's essence.  Rick has a problem with Shawn, but Bobby had a bigger problem.  Dump anything that doesn't drive the story.  

Last note about dialogue.  Generally, the only rule is that the dialogue is readable and actable.  The formal rules of English don't govern dialogue.  Spelling can be nonstandard; punctuation can be nonstandard.  Dialogue is for the ear, not the page.  If you want a character to run on and on without stop over many topics as fast as possible, write it that way.  The real key to dialogue is that it has to advance the plot and it should work on several levels, reinforcing the theme and revealing character.

Best
Richard
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Gary Manson
Posted: November 21st, 2016, 3:00pm Report to Moderator
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Hi, Richard, thanks for your comments, you made some good points.
I do have a question, what do you mean when you say
"Storywise this one is all over the place."

Cheers
Gary
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RichardR
Posted: November 21st, 2016, 3:54pm Report to Moderator
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Let's just start at the beginning.  If you're going to use the lab changing room, why open at home?  Start in the changing room, get the info you need--bro's dead--and get out.  And while we're in the changing room, why not intro Shawn at this point.  Same info, they don't get along, but no need for a whole new scene.  

And if the manikin isn't ready for testing, what is Rick doing in the room with it?  

Then Rick has to go back and clean out the locker?  

So, think about how this might work.  Rick isn't there to work.  He's there to clean out the locker.  he runs into STeve who says the manikin will be ready in the morning.  He runs into Shawn who, while he's sympathetic, wants Rick back at work.  After all, the manikin needs to be calibrated.  There's conflict, but Rick says he'll be back.

Home where you intro Bobby, the dead guy.  Rick has a dream.

Drop the scene with Jack as that's fluff.  Jack doesn't do anything.

I don't know if it's cricket to insert Rick sleeping in the middle of a dream sequence--unless Rick is part of the dream?

And we get an explanation from Steve.  Why would Rick ask if the cops were interested in him?  

The vital signs are a nice touch, but in a place that is so secure, there would be cameras everywhere.  Mani would never get away with what he did.  Just sayin'

The flashback with Bobby seems like overkill.  Why not imply this stuff throughout the story.  They all know Bobby heard voices, but no one really worried, did they?

And the cleaning lady?  Really?  Was Bobby a pervert as well as a killer?  Can't you give Bobby another enemy to get rid of?

And then, Rick manages to smuggle out a life-size manikin.  Does that seem probable?  In a secure place full of cameras?

You have a decent idea.  Somehow, this guy's messed up brother managed to download his being into a manikin, and the manikin becomes the killing machine Bobby always wanted to be.  It would be a nice touch if you dump a lot of stuff and manage to put Rick in the spot where he has to kill his own brother--in manikin form.  Or if you're especially dark, Rick is killing bobby for a second time.  And it doesn't get easier.

best
Richard
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Gary Manson
Posted: November 21st, 2016, 5:09pm Report to Moderator
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Thank you, Richard, that has given me quite a lot to think about, so I'm going to sleep on it and approach it again tomorrow.

Cheers

Gary
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LC
Posted: November 21st, 2016, 10:02pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from RichardR
Some notes.There are multiple English errors in this version.  I think you might find a good writer who can help you with editing.  No one will take you seriously if you can't turn a correct sentence.


That's a bit strong imh. Yep, there are punctuation errors but I've read way worse and still the script has been picked up.

Let's encourage, not discourage. There's learning taking place and Gaz is new to it all. Gaz, the Internet is a great place to hone up on grammar, punctuation etc. Lots of tuition, right there if you find an education site on the basics i.e., when to use commas, periods etc. I think this is a matter of a beginner screenwriter just finding it hard to begin with and analyzing pauses where they aren't there.

A good idea is to read it aloud, or get a friend to read it out loud with you, see where the natural pauses and inflections are.

Also, no need to use semi-colons in dialogue. They're not needed.

Richard, you gave some very useful other advice I concur with.

Oh, and Jeffrey, that's my fault the bit with the 'beaming into the camera' was giving Gazza some advice - didn't think he'd use it verbatim - my fault though, sounds stupid. You shoulda' got it in the context of the rest of the story he was the brother though!  


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ghost and_ghostie gal
Posted: November 22nd, 2016, 5:26am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Gary Manson
so I'm going to sleep on it and approach it again tomorrow.


@Gary,

Stop overthinking. I see you tacked on a few pages.


Quoted Text
Does that seem probable?  In a secure place full of cameras?


Yea, it's plausible.  Blindspots come to mind, lots of facilities have them... especially If the facility isn't considered "TOP SECRET."   Or SECRET.   Gary, from what I gather, this is just a lab with a few cameras and a couple of security guards.

A Pedantic FYI.  I use to work Military Intelligence and had a TS clearance.

Maybe your lab is not as secure as it should be, or don't have so many cameras per se.

Heck, you could circumvent this conundrum altogether.   One example; when Mani comes to life, or whatever, it creates a power surge -- the cameras go offline for a bit.   BOOM!  There you go.  And (or or) what have you.

Point being, it's like I said.... don't overthink this.

Whatever path you choose, do not give up.  Failure is not an option.  Keep writing.

Ghostie


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