The Thing by Clint Powers - Short, Horror - Two men see something from the deep below. 5 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hi Clint,

I have this a quick read and here are my thoughts

- You have Sam in caps when first introducing him but not Ted

- Lol have to agree with Ted, Marlon Brando >>> Shark.

- "Are you kidding me? People use its quotes all the time" - I would maybe consider rewording this. "Are you kidding me? People quote it all the time!" reads smoother in my opinion.

- I feel like there's not enough urgency or shock with the two characters when the skeleton emerges from the manhole, I mean they were smoking cigarettes, and they're not high, I maybe would have been oh okay, but Ted especially I didn't buy his reaction.

- Lol moment. Not sure if others will like Sam breaking the fourth wall but I really liked it.

- The action description at the top of page 3 reads really weirdly to me. I would maybe consider rewriting. Something like "Sam grabs Ted by the arm and runs to the front door of his house, his feet pound the pavement as he drags Ted along with him" or something like that.

- "Well this isn't good" maybe a little bit too on the nose? What about "Oh shit/What the hell?" whenever he discovers the blood.

- I think you could cut out the whole scene with Sam going up to the desk. Just have him walking down a hallway then entering the room. The discussion with the nurse doesn't really add anything to the narrative.

- Hmm, I'm not really feeling the last scene. A bit of a let down.

- "Ted lies, where his face is green, bony and rotten with shrunken eye sockets with his eyes shut"... this seems clumsily written. "Ted is in bed. His skin has gone green, clings to his now bony, withered frame. His eye sockets sunken in." or something along those lines? Just a suggestion.

- Why is it a year later? We didn't really get an explanation about the sewer man creature thing. Who/what was he? He literally climbs out of a manhole, doesn't do anything, and climbs back in again? Ted got too close and has now inherited the same disease/is it a disease???

I would maybe consider doing something with the scene where he emerges from the manhole. Nothing really happens. Maybe he gets attacked? I don't know. It doesn't really pack a punch. And I would consider rewriting the ending, too. This has a lot going for it. It started off well with good dialogue. Has the elements here for a good short but at the minute there's not enough happening for me. Good luck with this and I would be interested in maybe reading a revised version!

Curtis

I agree with AIK, the "green character" is a great idea but never developed. Does he/she have a disease? Or is he/she an extraterrestrial? How Ted was contaminated? Etc. All this can be developed.
I like the writing. But the presentation is too simplistic. You need more horror.
A good polishing will get far.
My best,
Fausto

Some notes.

This one has a decent idea but lacks development.  The cultural references are OK but they don't seem to apply to the green thing.  Perhaps if they were having a monster discussion?  

You need a  mechanism for infection.  Getting close isn't enough.  And if the infection acts in minutes, how can this guy last a year?  Or is that me?

in any case, some time spent boiling this down to the bones might be well spent.

best
Richard

Hi Clint,

The script reads very awkwardly but all can be fixed with a good polish. I'll give you some examples.

Character descriptions - "long brown hair and resembles James Franco" - So when they cast this, they will have to find someone who looks like James Franco. Why? Is it essential to the story? If not, I'd cut this.

Dialogue - I'm actually a fan of casual, funny dialogue which has nothing to so with the story (like Quentin Tarantino and Kevin Smith's work) but in a very short script you'll need to try to tie it into the story somehow to make it relevant. As someone else suggested, if they are talking about monster movies, this would seem more apt.

Action- Very awkwardly written action. E.G. "Sam doesn’t look at the thing once but starts running to the front door of his house." If he doesn't look at the thing once, how many times does he look at it, twice? If you start to run towards something, then do you start to stop running when you reach it? I'm being sarcastic yes, but producers reading this will be confused and any writing them deem as awkward will make them want to throw the script in the bin. You could simply say:

"Sam flees towards his house." - This tells us everything we need to know. Keep it simple, light.

Orphans - The script is littered with these. In case you don't know what an orphan is, (I didn't when I first started and had to look it up!) an orphan is when you end an action block with one or two words overlapping onto the next line. Basically you are wasting a line of white space and white space is very precious in a script.

As to the story itself, it needs more. We don't know where the Thing came from or why. It also doesn't make any sense for Ted to become the Thing, especially as he didn't come into contact with it.

I hope my notes are useful.

-Mark

Quoted from MarkRenshaw Hi Clint, The script reads very awkwardly but all can be fixed with a good polish. I'll give you some examples. Character descriptions - "long brown hair and resembles James Franco" - So when they cast this, they will have to find someone who looks like James Franco. Why? Is it essential to the story? If not, I'd cut this. Dialogue - I'm actually a fan of casual, funny dialogue which has nothing to so with the story (like Quentin Tarantino and Kevin Smith's work) but in a very short script you'll need to try to tie it into the story somehow to make it relevant. As someone else suggested, if they are talking about monster movies, this would seem more apt. Action- Very awkwardly written action. E.G. "Sam doesn’t look at the thing once but starts running to the front door of his house." If he doesn't look at the thing once, how many times does he look at it, twice? If you start to run towards something, then do you start to stop running when you reach it? I'm being sarcastic yes, but producers reading this will be confused and any writing them deem as awkward will make them want to throw the script in the bin. You could simply say: "Sam flees towards his house." - This tells us everything we need to know. Keep it simple, light. Orphans - The script is littered with these. In case you don't know what an orphan is, (I didn't when I first started and had to look it up!) an orphan is when you end an action block with one or two words overlapping onto the next line. Basically you are wasting a line of white space and white space is very precious in a script. As to the story itself, it needs more. We don't know where the Thing came from or why. It also doesn't make any sense for Ted to become the Thing, especially as he didn't come into contact with it. I hope my notes are useful. -Mark

Thank you, Mark. I'm relatively new at screenwriting, as you clearly noticed. All your advice is definitely appreciated and thank you for the word "orphans". Relatively new to me. It's all still a learning experience.

Thank you,
Clint

Hey, Clinton, welcome...

I think the only thing I missed, if intended at all, is the connection between Ted's condition at the end the creature encountered in the beginning. My assumption is some type foreshadowing. With that said, seemed like an idea that just needs a little more development. But, that's what this is part of the process. So, good luck.

BLB

Hey Clint

Anything titles 'The Thing' was always going to get a read from me.

Mark pretty much covered everything you need to do to improve this.

I wasn't sure why Ted would want to approach something that came out of a manhole, maybe he was really stoned but you didn't indicate that he was?

Also not sure how he got infected?

When you describe Sam running with Ted it sounded odd, like he was carrying Ted, which I know he wasn't.  I think it was because Ted wanted to see the thing but ran off with Sam with little resistance and then you said Sam throws Ted inside, again this sounds odd, like he physically threw him in.

My main niggle is 'why'?  Why did the thing come out of the manhole?  What is it and what were its intentions?  None of these were explained.  Ted's transformation didn't answer any of these questions either.

With a little work and a better conclusion this could be improved.