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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Horror  ›  Scared Yet? - Audio Performance
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SimplyScripts
Posted: February 7th, 2017, 5:23pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Scared Yet? by Zack Ackers - Short, Horror - Late one stormy night, two young children are confronted by a terrifying figure in the dark. 8 pages - pdf, format

Listen to the Audio Performance by Vanessa Nicol




Writer interested in feedback on this work



Visit http://www.simplyscripts.com for what is new on the site.


-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
SimplyScripts  -  May 7th, 2017, 11:31pm
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Disco Cactus
Posted: February 7th, 2017, 5:36pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for getting this up Don.

I actually wrote this one a while back, but decided to rewrite it a few times before submitting. I still feel like I can add some more suspense, though. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

~Zack~


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eldave1
Posted: February 7th, 2017, 5:45pm Report to Moderator
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Quite liked this. Nice job


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Disco Cactus
Posted: February 7th, 2017, 6:47pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the read David, very happy you enjoyed it.

This hasn't been on the site for much longer than an hour and I've already been contacted by a producer who is very interested in this. That's gotta be some sort of record. lol

~Zack~


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Angry Bear
Posted: February 7th, 2017, 6:50pm Report to Moderator
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Zack, you've come a long way over the years!  

Like Dave, I think you did a good job here. I'm not going to give spoilers away, but I first cringed at the dream, but you saved the script with an ending I didn't see coming.

Good job!!!

PS: There was no blood???  


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Disco Cactus
Posted: February 7th, 2017, 6:57pm Report to Moderator
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Thank you very much Pia. That means a lot. Any progress I've made as a writer is a direct result of this fantastic site.

I'm very happy you enjoyed it.


Quoted from Angry Bear

PS: There was no blood???  


Please forgive me. It won't happen again.   

~Zack~



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Disco Cactus  -  February 7th, 2017, 7:40pm
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Digitaldecayfilms
Posted: February 8th, 2017, 11:11am Report to Moderator
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Hello Zack!

First things, I love this script.  You had me really guessing where you were going to go next and you did not disappoint with that ending.  I also love the imagery on the woman outside the window.  Kudos!

I do have a few minor notes if you are interested.

A few typos throughout, mostly tense related issues.  I saw a "you're" that should have been a "your" in someone's dialogue, "You’re mind is playing tricks on
you. Come on..."

One too many adverbs and adjectives for me in most of your descriptions.  I know it's cliched advice but I am a firm believer in "killing your adverbs", as I believe it makes for a leaner read.  For instance:

The small, two story house sits quietly on the neat suburban
street, surround(ed) by similar homes on either side.

Personally, I'd just cut that down to:

The house sits quietly, surround(ed) by similar homes on either side.

Again that's just my personal taste, so please take it with a grain of salt.  

Happy to hear this piece might be produced.  I can definitely see it being a creepy little short!

Thanks!
Brian


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Disco Cactus
Posted: February 8th, 2017, 12:25pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the read Brian, and thanks for the advice on adverbs. I have a problem with overwriting some of my descriptions, and you just helped me see where it is I'm going wrong. I won't get rid of them all, but I'll definitely cut back.

Glad you liked it. I'm a little hesitant on giving this script to the producer that contacted me. Truth be told I'd written this with hopes of filming it myself. Not really sure if I wanna just give it away to one of the first people who read it.

Thanks again.

~Zack~


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Digitaldecayfilms
Posted: February 8th, 2017, 12:49pm Report to Moderator
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Zack,

Fantastic!  I think this would be a great short for you to produce yourself.  

Limited locations, small cast, and few VFX shots.  Your biggest challenge will be working with child actors.  I've always held true to the old indie filmmaker motto of "No kids, no animals, and no underwater scenes."

Best of luck!


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Disco Cactus
Posted: February 8th, 2017, 9:06pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Digitaldecayfilms


I've always held true to the old indie filmmaker motto of "No kids, no animals, and no underwater scenes."


The kids are really the only thing holding me back from doing this myself. It's hard enough finding decent children actors, not to mention finding some whose parents would allow them to play a part in such a dark film.

~Zack~


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Cooper
Posted: February 9th, 2017, 1:02pm Report to Moderator
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1) Not an expert but are your slugs off? Haven't seen them like that before. I'm no expert though. I know there are multiple correct methods and you're probably spot on.  Ignore me.

1) well-kept yard.

2) stop it dummy, lol

4) can't fully explain it, but I really dislike this line.   "But... It was our fault... Even
daddy said so..." I think it would sound more natural and child-like with fewer words.
"But... It was our fault...
Daddy said..." then have her interrupt.  I know it's just two words but I think it would feel better.

7) wouldn't call him Donald.  Struck me as odd. If you want the reader to be surprised, just call him a man and describe him (maybe call him a disheveled man to add to the surprise).  Then reveal.

7) the ending is great. Takes it full circle.

I really like this. The dialogue was on point. The story is good. I wouldn't mind seeing this as the first scene in a feature, then flash back to fill in the blanks. I'm not a horror fan per se but this was a solid read!


Am I on the right track with THIS ? Let me know.
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RichardR
Posted: February 9th, 2017, 1:02pm Report to Moderator
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Some notes.

This one works all the way along.  I didn't look for it, but did James dream bleed in dad's killing Lizzy?  In any case, good job.  It's freaky enough.

Best
Richard
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Disco Cactus
Posted: February 9th, 2017, 1:26pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the reads, guys.

Cooper, as far as I know my slugs are correct.  And I agree about the dads name. Thank you again.

Richard, I'm glad you liked it. Not sure what you mean by "James dream bleed in dad's killing Lizzy"?

~Zack~


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alffy
Posted: February 11th, 2017, 3:42pm Report to Moderator
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Hey up, Zack

I could start by being picky and say you could lose some words; 'The room is small and dark'.  We know it's a room so it could just be 'small and dark'.  But then I'm one of the worst for overwriting everything lol.

Couple of typos but not too many to stop reading after a page lol

I thought this was great, Zack.  I wasn't sure what the ending was going to reveal but it wasn't that! I've not got anything else to put to you.  Great stuff, bud.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
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Thanks for reading Anthony,

I'm always overwriting my descriptions. I'll get it down one day.

I'm happy you liked it. Thanks again.

~Zack~


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