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Go Fish by Kirsten James - Short, Horror, Comedy - Two young boys play cards and drink beer in their father's hunting cabin until the reality of their day unexpectedly catches up with them. 9 pages - pdf, format
I read the whole script - and if you knew me, you'd know I don't always do that, so that's a positive for you already.
I assume you are a new writer, as there are all kinds of mistakes on display here, but overall, your story and writing shows real promise. The way you handled this story works and shows talent.
If this was well written, I'd say it would be a winner. But as written, it needs alot of attention.
You have so many orphans here. Your action and descriptions need help. You are a HUGE apostrophe abuser, so you need to learn how to use them. You don't want to go over 4 lines in a passage.
Your dialogue is hot and miss, but the fact there are hits is again, a big positive. You definitely attempted to give these boys a voice, and at times it works well...but others not even close. Understand that when you use slang, you often need to use an apostrophe at the end of the word, showing you're leaving a letter off.
Jump in and read and comment on scripts hear. The more you do, the more peeps will read your scripts and give you feedback. Keep in mind that all feedback is not correct and lots of peeps who give feedback have no clue what they're talking about.
You did a good job here with a worn and weary subject, but you brought a nice little twist to it and for that, I applaud you. Good work!
To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
Yes, yes, yes, thankyou, you have given me the final push to get writing lessons....I'm from nz so some terms maybe different etc... I'm embarrassed to admit that I failed year 12 english, too much shakespare that year......but I love movies and writing to entertain. I'm in love with script writing and I know thats the heart of it, along with reading heaps and writing heaps of course.
Zack yes, I need to tighten things up alot more, I like your suggestion with the arm punch. My version does read oddly.
And Dreamscale, your words mean alot, thankyou for reading all of it and using the word talent...that is a powerful word when you're starting out and your writing is a little on the crap side..
And thanks for the good advice, I've been reading scripts on here and commenting on some, but I'm a bit restricted at the moment. I only have a tablet to work on, it has slowed me down to a crawl. But I'll be getting my mac back next week so yehaaa....I'll be off the donkey and back on the race horse...!
Love the story. If you've read any of my scripts you'd see blending fantasy casually into the plot is always a plus point in my books. I won't pretend to be a formatting expert, seeing as my scripts are riddled with mistakes, but I did notice a few errors. Was not expecting the Werewolf thing and especially with the very unassuming title "Go Fish" which was brilliant. I think a few lines of action could be omitted and maybe give a little more personality to the boys. I've been quite ill for the past months so i haven't had the proper chance to write or read much, but this was definitely worth the read. Really hope it gets optioned! Best of luck!
I'm sorry you haven't been well, hopefully things are on the mend for you! Thank you for the read, and I'm very happy you enjoyed it... I've been working on the writing of it so will hopefully re post it in better condition . And I will have a look for your scripts....If you don't have any on here let me know where i can read one....
Thanks heaps for your read and notes. Thanks for your mention about the silver bullet...if this sticks out as a problem in the story, I'll change it. I didn't do it because of a timing issue which I suppose forced me to produce an original take on killing werewolves ..... start a new trend, that a good ol shot gun will easily do the trick....and silver bullets have just been an elaborate money making scheme all along.....In just writing this I have come up with an idea of how to incorporate it.. I'll get them to mention the fact that they are glad they don't need silver bullets to kill them.... Thanks!