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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Horror  ›  Go Fish
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  Author    Go Fish  (currently 458 views)
Don
Posted: February 10th, 2017, 6:43pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Go Fish by Kirsten James - Short, Horror, Comedy - Two young boys play cards and drink beer in their father's hunting cabin until the reality of their day unexpectedly  catches up with them.  9 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
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Disco Cactus
Posted: February 11th, 2017, 11:57am Report to Moderator
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One Rule: KEEP WRITING

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Hey Kirsten,

The date needs to be in a Super, not in an action line.

Lot's of over writing you could really cut back on that would really help this read much smoother.

EXAMPLE:

He sits up, angry, punches Henry in the arm, but it's not
a hard punch.

Would read better as...

Frustrated, he sits up and punches Henry in the arm.

Of course this is just my opinion, so take it with a grain of salt.

Typos and grammar issues through out. Nothing a rewrite can't fix.

Pretty simple story. Not too bad. It definitely needs something more. I'm sure with a rewrite or two you will figure it out.

Good effort. Keep writing.

~Zack~



Revision History (1 edits)
Disco Cactus  -  February 11th, 2017, 12:24pm
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Dreamscale
Posted: February 12th, 2017, 11:19am Report to Moderator
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Yes, that is my real hair...

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Howdy, Kirsten.

I read the whole script - and if you knew me, you'd know I don't always do that, so that's a positive for you already.

I assume you are a new writer, as there are all kinds of mistakes on display here, but overall, your story and writing shows real promise.  The way you handled this story works and shows talent.

If this was well written, I'd say it would be a winner.  But as written, it needs alot of attention.

You have so many orphans here.  Your action and descriptions need help.  You are a HUGE apostrophe abuser, so you need to learn how to use them.  You don't want to go over 4 lines in a passage.

Your dialogue is hot and miss, but the fact there are hits is again, a big positive.  You definitely attempted to give these boys a voice, and at times it works well...but others not even close.  Understand that when you use slang, you often need to use an apostrophe at the end of the word, showing you're leaving a letter off.

Jump in and read and comment on scripts hear.  The more you do, the more peeps will read your scripts and give you feedback.  Keep in mind that all feedback is not correct and lots of peeps who give feedback have no clue what they're talking about.

You did a good job here with a worn and weary subject, but you brought a nice little twist to it and for that, I applaud you.  Good work!


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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Kirsten
Posted: February 12th, 2017, 3:16pm Report to Moderator
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Giving up is not an option....

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Hi Zack and Dreamscale....

Thankyou both for reading the script!

Yes, yes, yes, thankyou, you have given me the final push to get writing lessons....I'm from nz so some terms maybe different etc... I'm embarrassed to admit that I failed year 12 english, too much shakespare that year......but I love movies and writing to entertain. I'm in love with script writing and I know thats the heart of it, along with reading heaps and writing heaps of course.

Zack yes, I need to tighten things up alot more, I like your suggestion with the arm punch. My version does read oddly.

And Dreamscale, your words mean alot, thankyou for reading all of it and using the word talent...that is a powerful word when you're starting out and your writing is a little on the crap side..

And thanks for the good advice, I've been reading scripts on here and commenting on some, but I'm a bit restricted at the moment. I only have a tablet to work on, it has slowed me down to a crawl. But I'll be getting my mac back next week so yehaaa....I'll be off the donkey and back on the race horse...!


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Disco Cactus
Posted: February 12th, 2017, 3:53pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Kirsten
I'm in love with script writing and I know thats the heart of it, along with reading heaps and writing heaps of course.


You have come to the right place.  

~Zack~


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Waleed
Posted: February 17th, 2017, 1:24am Report to Moderator
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Love the story. If you've read any of my scripts you'd see blending fantasy casually into the plot is always a plus point in my books.
I won't pretend to be a formatting expert, seeing as my scripts are riddled with mistakes, but I did notice a few errors.
Was not expecting the Werewolf thing and especially with the very unassuming title "Go Fish" which was brilliant.
I think a few lines of action could be omitted and maybe give a little more personality to the boys.
I've been quite ill for the past months so i haven't had the proper chance to write or read much, but this was definitely worth the read.
Really hope it gets optioned!
Best of luck!
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Kirsten
Posted: February 17th, 2017, 6:24am Report to Moderator
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Giving up is not an option....

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Hi Waleed

I'm sorry you haven't been well, hopefully things are on the mend for you! Thank you for the read, and I'm very happy you enjoyed it... I've been working on the writing of it so will hopefully re post it in better condition .
And I will have a look for your scripts....If you don't have any on here let me know where i can read one....
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RichardR
Posted: February 17th, 2017, 12:50pm Report to Moderator
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Some notes.

This one entertains.  I like the boys and their wish to play cards for beer.  Works for me.  

I had a problem with the werewolf because the usual lore says it takes a silver bullet to kill a werewolf.  I didn't catch the silver, but that's me.  Perhaps an ordinary shotgun will do the trick.

And I think you might add something about chasing down grandma once the sun comes up.  Easier to take care of her then.

Overall, a nice tale with kids who act their age.

Best
Richard
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Kirsten
Posted: February 18th, 2017, 6:54am Report to Moderator
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Giving up is not an option....

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Hi Richard,

Thanks heaps for your read and notes. Thanks for your mention about the silver bullet...if this sticks out as a problem in the story, I'll change it. I didn't do it because of a timing issue which I suppose forced me to produce an original take on killing werewolves ..... start a new trend, that a good ol shot gun will easily do the trick....and silver bullets have just been an elaborate money making scheme all along.....In just writing this I have come up with an idea of how to incorporate it..  I'll get them to mention the fact that they are glad they don't need silver bullets to kill them.... Thanks!

Cheers Kirsten
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Chasten
Posted: March 23rd, 2017, 1:34pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Don
Go Fish by Kirsten James - Short, Horror, Comedy - Two young boys play cards and drink beer in their father's hunting cabin until the reality of their day unexpectedly  catches up with them.  9 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



Good effort. I really enjoy short horror scripts because they build the tale up for a couple of pages and drop a mind-bending twist on you.  I think it could use a little more descriptive power, but hay I'm one for a lot of description. Here's a tip: you never want to have your dialogue spelling out the characters dialect the entire time, makes it a little hard to read. I also see the seed of a potential feature length horror film here.
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Kirsten
Posted: April 5th, 2017, 5:18pm Report to Moderator
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Giving up is not an option....

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Hi chasten thanks for your feedback...I just spotted it now..I thought this script wasn't on here anymore....anyway yes description is one of those gray areas. Yep dialogues a tricky one too...something I'm still working on....thanks again for the read.
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