For Sale by Ben J. Tucker - Short, Horror - Two teenagers get more than they bargained for when they answer a Craigslist posting. 10 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hello Ben,

This was a fun little story.  I can't say I didn't see most of the twists coming, but it still kept me reading just the same.

I really liked the writing style.  Lean and fast, just what you want from a horror story.

A few nits:  

You called out a lot of action and then repeated it, for instance:

"Luke and Carla cross to the front door of the house and
knock...

KNOCK. KNOCK."

I think it would have been an easier read to if you streamlined it to:

"Luke and Carla cross to the front door of the house...

KNOCK. KNOCK."

I didn't like the "aka" line in the description, but that might just be me.

Also a lot of your dialog didn't connect with me.  It all seemed like it was trying to be a bit too funny, if that makes sense.  It never felt very real to me.

I think instead of a gunshot, Carla should have just heard a thump.  A gunshot would ramp the action more than you conveyed, but a thumb might just be that he dropped the TV.

I'd lose the first scene in the coffee shop.  It doesn't really add anything to the story and there is enough exposition in the following scenes to put the pieces together.

Lastly, you call Carla Clare in a line of dialog.

Just my two cents, thanks for sharing your work!

Brian

you make some really good points, brian.

the gunshots were originally those two thumps you suggested in your notes. but i couldn't convince myself that she'd be able to hear them all the way from the basement, so i switched it to gunshots instead. but maybe i'll switch it back to thumps to keep the tempo.

i'll definitely consider ditching the opening scene.  

as far as the dialogue goes,  i'll make sure to do another sweep to clean it up some, make it more believable, less hokey.  

thanks again for your time and help.  

Ben: gave this a read - like your style. A couple of comments:

SPOILERS

Quoted Text Luke moves over to a window nearby, peers inside and sees... MR. LEVI, 70s. Rocking back and forth in a pillowed rocking chair. His eyes are closed. Classical music blares.

They didn't hear the music at the door but did at the window? Didn't make sense to me. I would put this earlier in some context of them putting their ear to the door - hearing the sound of Muffled music - and later when they kick int he door - they're greeted by the BLARE of classical music.

Quoted Text MR. LEVI Please remove the mask. I've trouble breathing. I beg you. I'm blind so it's impossible for me to identify you-

None of his reactions when they first entered the house would indicate his blindness. He seems to see them when they enter. He leads them to the door, etc. etc. I think it would work better if they discovered the blindness from the get go and that is the reason he has no use for the TV. Just a thought.

The ending - not a real fan. But that's just me. Just have read too many stories where the unexpected monster takes out our unsuspecting villains. I think the first part of the story is great and deserves a more creative ending.

Quoted Text The end.

Maybe FADE OUT.

Again - really like your writing style. It's different - enjoyable.

Hi, Eldave1. I appreciate the read. I agree that i need to highlight his blindness sooner, even though he is faking it. Maybe he answers the door with a walking stick or something. He does inform the two that he's losing his vision and that's why he's selling the tv, but i should have highlighted it more and will do exactly that. Thanks again for the read

Hi, Ben.

I liked this.  I actually didn't see the part of them robbing the old guy coming.  But then you wrote "No clue of the world-of-hurt awaiting him".  Perhaps I'd keep that sentence out, to keep that more of a surprise.  Just my two cents.

I knew something was going to happen to them though.  That's not a knock, it's just predictable, which there's nothing wrong with if it satisfies me.  I love the reveal of the monsters in any script/movie, but I always like a little explanation on why it's there.  That would satisfy me even more.  That's just my personal preference though.

I enjoyed your writing style!

Good luck,

Nolan

Some notes.

This one reads well.  I think you might add them asking the old man if he's alone.  That might be important to our robbers.  And perhaps a bit of foreshadowing about the basement.  Perhaps about hunger, some little detail that means nothing until the monster is cued.  

There's an old saying in the theater that says if you introduce a gun act 1, you have to shoot it by act 3.  If you're going to make a big deal about the zapper, she should use it.  No effect maybe but the audience will expect it.

Best
Richard

Oh, one more point.  If the old man feeds the monster by sending folks to the basement, then the beast better have access to the basement.  Putting it behind a locked door won't work.  Not everyone is going to break down the door, especially if they're looking for a TV.

best
Richard

Ben,

A quick read, though a little too familiar a scenario to leave a lasting impression.  Was hoping for some twist or at least a deeper sense of irony to really pay this off.  The monster comes out of nowhere and though there’s a degree of satisfaction in Levi ultimately coming out on top it fell a bit flat for me.  Could you have more fun with the idea?  

‘Has no clue of the world-of-hurt awaiting him.’

I’m not against asides, if used sparingly they can have their uses; but this one stands out.  Up until that point the suspense factor was keeping me invested.  Given the genre I know either the buyers or the sellers aren’t what they seem and I’m reading to at least see where you’re taking this.  With that one line you’re showing your hand - unnecessarily IMO.

All the best,

Steve

Nice one. I liked Carla, she was kind of crazy in a fun way. The writing style worked for me. Long as it's clear and visual that's all I need.  

Only issue I had was with Luke coming back upstairs just to realize he can use his cellphone as a flashlight, then going right back down. It could just as easily be Carla and Mr. Levi alone upstairs on pg. 7 when she punches him in the face. Then, we're back to the basement with Luke realizing on his own he can use his cell.

I'm sorry but the writing here is a mess. A LOT of telling when you should be showing. Tons of mistakes, missing coma's, incorrectly capitalized names, etc.

IMO you need to have Carla and Luke talk about their plan to rob Mr. Levi, instead of briefly hinting at it in an action line.

Good, quick pace. Read through it very quick, so that's a plus. You've certainly got your own unique style, it just needs to be honed and perfected.

You've got some snappy dialog that I'm sure some would love.

It's a simple story and there is definitely some potential here. I'd suggest reading some screenplays here and building up you knowledge of the craft a little more.

Sorry that most of this sounds negative, but I just want to help. I actually appreciate the confidence in the writing of this script. With a few rewrites this could be really cool. Keep at it.

~Zack~

Enjoyed this. Quick easy ready. Enjoyed the story and twists. Would like to read an updated draft .