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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Horror  ›  Nightmare Logic
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  Author    Nightmare Logic  (currently 580 views)
Don
Posted: April 8th, 2017, 5:51pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Nightmare Logic by Zack Ackers - Short, Horror - How does one rationalize a nightmare? 9 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



Visit http://www.simplyscripts.com for what is new on the site.


-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
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eldave1
Posted: April 8th, 2017, 8:16pm Report to Moderator
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Hey, Zack  - gave this a read. First, a nit issue:


Quoted Text
The bright sun beats down from onto the blacktop below.


The sentence is missing something. Maybe beats down from "above"?

Okay - the story - nice work. I didn't think the pond scene was necessary - the story works without it. Other than that - you had me.

I would work on the logline - Didn't really strike me as a nightmare. More of that special world between life and death.



My Scripts can all be seen here:

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Disco Cactus
Posted: April 8th, 2017, 8:42pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the read, David. And thanks Don for getting this one up.

Damn, sorry about the typo. Will fix it right away.

I'm happy that the story worked for you.

I also agree with you about the logline. I simply couldn't think of a good one for this. I'm also not crazy about the title.

Thanks again.

~Zack~


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LC
Posted: April 9th, 2017, 12:01am Report to Moderator
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That same line Dave mentioned doesn't work for me regardless of a missing word.

The culprit? 'blacktop'. At first I thought we were looking at the black top of a convertible. I realise now you might mean: bitumen or tarmac??

'Nowhere' is one word. Compound noun. Few instances of no where. Your auto correct might be doing that.
You're father should be 'your' typo.

Some really lovely images you've evoked here Zack.
I will say, having been on SS for yonks now, the car accident/it was a dream scenario is familiar to me, but you filled it out with character and chose a different angle.

I'm wondering if instead of resuscitation the image should be of Narcan being injected? Just a thought.

'Matt doesn’t look like he’s gonna make it.' Spoonfeeding your reader with this line.

I'd use a Quick Flash on Matt's face rather than Quick Insert

I think you could do better with the title too. Using the lines and images throughout, a few suggestions below:

Flipped. Blood Ties, Bloodline. Bloodstream. Above The Surface, Under The Surface, Blood Rain sounds a bit too Prince. Track-Marks. Blind Logic.

Anyway, nicely written, some icky ( i.e., good) visuals.  



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Dreamscale
Posted: April 9th, 2017, 11:17am Report to Moderator
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Some nice, disturbing images here, Zack, but once again, lots and lots of mistakes throughout, awkward writing, repetition, poor Slugs, and mostly a very well trodden story we've all seen and read time and time again.

You start with "BLACK", but understand every film starts this way, unless it's made clear it's not.

You've got a glaring mistake in your opening action/description lines - no reason in the world for a comma after "long".  No reason for "long", even.  Your Slug tells us we're on a country road, so really, no reason to use "road" either.

Next passage is also majorly flawed and makes no sense as written.

And then, the final passage in this intro ends with "country road" again.

From here you start using hybrid Slugs with no time frame, for some reason, and using "EXT. SEDAN", is technically not correct, as I've brought up to numerous peeps over the years.  The Slug shows where we are, and it's highly unlikely what you're going for is "SEDAN", as that's not the setting.  Should be "WOODS", "DIRT ROAD", etc.

Look at pretty much every one of your sentences - they start with "The", a character's name, or "He" or "She".

When you start with a new Slug, you never want to start with dialogue first.

Another thing you should be aware of is how often you write something to the effect of having a character looking at something.  Not something you want to be continuously doing.

All in all, as I said, lots of issues and a story that we've all seen too many times.

Sorry, brother, but this one ain't doing anything for this kid, but I do appreciate your output.  Keep 'em coming!


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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Disco Cactus
Posted: April 9th, 2017, 12:41pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for reading LC and Jeff. Glad you were both able to enjoy some of the visuals.

Looks like I've got my work cut out for me with the rewrite. Fine by me. We still got a bit before the OWC, so I'll buckle down on this bad boy until then.

Thanks again for the tips.

~Zack~


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Kirsten
Posted: April 15th, 2017, 5:53am Report to Moderator
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Hi Zack,

This was well told with good pacing, I can see you were going for some depth with the story by showing us Frank the druggie dad, but it didn't move me enough. I liked the visual of the syringe in his arm, that was powerful, but it needed more. Something needs to be injected (haha) into the scene to get us to really feel the pain between the father and son. This is horror but there is a lot of drama due to the  addict topic.
I liked the way you introduced the 'other world scene', where he's looking for Claire, I like the use of the storm... nice visuals, nicely paced.

The dialogue is good, except the 'FUCK THIS' when matt runs from Frank and Claire. it felt out of place and maybe too cliche. I think him just yelling would work. I think the visual of them rotting and hearing him going ahhhhhh and running might come across more realistically....???  

'Matt perks up, his skin goes white. Slowly he turns around.'

The word 'perk' made me visualize him suddenly seeming okay and happy, instead of the meaning perking his head up......just using the simple words looks look up might be less confusing. I don't think that word works for that action. But that might just be me???

The bloody rain drops faster. The drops grow thicker.

This might read better by using 'falls' instead of drops at the beginning. I read it as 'rain drops,' like the single ones, then I read it again to see its the 'rain dropping'... and you've used the same word twice when you have other options.

'Sadness spreads across the Firefighters face.'
This line stuck out for me as being unrealistic and cliche..... I imagine they would be frustrated as well, like they might be when they cut a drunk person out of the car..???

Anyways, Good luck with the re write, look forward to seeing it...pm me when you re post it.
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Disco Cactus
Posted: April 15th, 2017, 5:38pm Report to Moderator
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Thank you very much for giving this one a look, Kirsten.

Lots of good advice you've got for me. Much appreciated.

~Zack~


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Warren
Posted: June 14th, 2017, 6:57pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Zack,

I personally didn't mind this one. I thought the imagery made it, some gruesome stuff.

As previously mentioned the writing can be cleaned up a bit, but I wont harp on it. I think the story is solid and doesn't really need to change.

Overall I think it was a good effort.


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