All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
That same line Dave mentioned doesn't work for me regardless of a missing word.
The culprit? 'blacktop'. At first I thought we were looking at the black top of a convertible. I realise now you might mean: bitumen or tarmac??
'Nowhere' is one word. Compound noun. Few instances of no where. Your auto correct might be doing that. You're father should be 'your' typo.
Some really lovely images you've evoked here Zack. I will say, having been on SS for yonks now, the car accident/it was a dream scenario is familiar to me, but you filled it out with character and chose a different angle.
I'm wondering if instead of resuscitation the image should be of Narcan being injected? Just a thought.
'Matt doesn’t look like he’s gonna make it.' Spoonfeeding your reader with this line.
I'd use a Quick Flash on Matt's face rather than Quick Insert
I think you could do better with the title too. Using the lines and images throughout, a few suggestions below:
Flipped. Blood Ties, Bloodline. Bloodstream. Above The Surface, Under The Surface, Blood Rain sounds a bit too Prince. Track-Marks. Blind Logic.
Anyway, nicely written, some icky ( i.e., good) visuals.
Some nice, disturbing images here, Zack, but once again, lots and lots of mistakes throughout, awkward writing, repetition, poor Slugs, and mostly a very well trodden story we've all seen and read time and time again.
You start with "BLACK", but understand every film starts this way, unless it's made clear it's not.
You've got a glaring mistake in your opening action/description lines - no reason in the world for a comma after "long". No reason for "long", even. Your Slug tells us we're on a country road, so really, no reason to use "road" either.
Next passage is also majorly flawed and makes no sense as written.
And then, the final passage in this intro ends with "country road" again.
From here you start using hybrid Slugs with no time frame, for some reason, and using "EXT. SEDAN", is technically not correct, as I've brought up to numerous peeps over the years. The Slug shows where we are, and it's highly unlikely what you're going for is "SEDAN", as that's not the setting. Should be "WOODS", "DIRT ROAD", etc.
Look at pretty much every one of your sentences - they start with "The", a character's name, or "He" or "She".
When you start with a new Slug, you never want to start with dialogue first.
Another thing you should be aware of is how often you write something to the effect of having a character looking at something. Not something you want to be continuously doing.
All in all, as I said, lots of issues and a story that we've all seen too many times.
Sorry, brother, but this one ain't doing anything for this kid, but I do appreciate your output. Keep 'em coming!
To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
This was well told with good pacing, I can see you were going for some depth with the story by showing us Frank the druggie dad, but it didn't move me enough. I liked the visual of the syringe in his arm, that was powerful, but it needed more. Something needs to be injected (haha) into the scene to get us to really feel the pain between the father and son. This is horror but there is a lot of drama due to the addict topic. I liked the way you introduced the 'other world scene', where he's looking for Claire, I like the use of the storm... nice visuals, nicely paced.
The dialogue is good, except the 'FUCK THIS' when matt runs from Frank and Claire. it felt out of place and maybe too cliche. I think him just yelling would work. I think the visual of them rotting and hearing him going ahhhhhh and running might come across more realistically....???
'Matt perks up, his skin goes white. Slowly he turns around.'
The word 'perk' made me visualize him suddenly seeming okay and happy, instead of the meaning perking his head up......just using the simple words looks look up might be less confusing. I don't think that word works for that action. But that might just be me???
The bloody rain drops faster. The drops grow thicker.
This might read better by using 'falls' instead of drops at the beginning. I read it as 'rain drops,' like the single ones, then I read it again to see its the 'rain dropping'... and you've used the same word twice when you have other options.
'Sadness spreads across the Firefighters face.' This line stuck out for me as being unrealistic and cliche..... I imagine they would be frustrated as well, like they might be when they cut a drunk person out of the car..???
Anyways, Good luck with the re write, look forward to seeing it...pm me when you re post it.
"Turn that off, our friend has just been killed in a fatal sunlight accident!"....