Dark Date by John Cowdell - Short, Horror - A young woman soon discovers the dangers of online dating when she invites a handsome stranger back to her apartment after their date. 8 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hi,

I haven't read anything in a while but thought I’d get back into the swing of things.

SPOILERS

So first up it's quite well written with regards to technique and format. I just didn't feel it had the substance to back it up.

I had several issues throughout.

Your character descriptions are so bland and unoriginal, surely you can come up with something better than this:

Quoted Text SARAH, 20s, blonde and pretty, sits at a table with her date, JAMES, 30s, dark and handsome.

The dialogue is on the nose, your characters literally say exactly what they're thinking which leaves no room for subtext, for example:

Quoted Text SARAH This place is really nice. JAMES Its Michelin starred. SARAH Really? You sure know how to spoil a girl on the first date. JAMES Only the best for someone as beautiful as you. Sarah is flattered. SARAH You’re not too shabby yourself. and SARAH Now, where were we? They kiss. James pulls away and stares at Sarah with hungry eyes. JAMES Right around the part where I kill you. He smiles wickedly, revealing bloodthirsty fangs. Sarah backs away in fear. SARAH Oh, my god. What the hell are you? 4. James’s face contorts into a mask of pure evil. A hideous, demonic being. JAMES I’m a vampire, you stupid bitch! SARAH But I don’t understand? James laughs maniacally. JAMES That’s what I love about online dating. It’s the perfect hunting ground for people like me. Sarah’s fear gives way to anger. SARAH You’re absolutely right. It is the perfect hunting ground. But that cuts both ways. James looks at her, confused. SARAH (CONT’D) For the record, I’m not stupid... Sarah pulls out a wooden stake concealed in her robe. SARAH (CONT’D) ...But I am a bitch! She slowly circles James like a predator stalking its prey. SARAH (CONT’D) And just so you know. My parents didn’t just die. They were murdered. Killed by you and your bloodsucking friends!

So much of the dialogue is expositional. Let the actions tell the story not the words, or at the very least go for a better mix.

You have a few unfilmables. So if a script is meant to be visual it would be better for you to explain how these actions look rather than how they are written currently, for example:

Quoted Text Sarah is flattered A hint of attraction. He starts undressing Sarah with his eyes

What are they physically doing that shows this happening, we can’t read their minds.

This exchange was just cringeworhty:

Quoted Text SARAH Nothing. Why don’t I slip into something a little more comfortable first? JAMES How about I just slip into you instead? SARAH You don’t waste any time, do you? JAMES I like to make the most of my nights.

I think some of you slugs can be turned into mini slugs once inside the house, but that's no big deal. I think it would just make the read flow slightly better.

As far as the story as a whole, not sure it was horrific in any way. Pretty generic stuff.

So again, I think the formal part is good, the content just needs work.

Best of luck with it

'Oh my God, what the hell are you?' Up until this point I thought your script was pretty good. Even though Sarah knew James was a vampire, you still could have given the former a bigger reaction. From there, I think the writing was a little silly and underdeveloped and all the action kind of came out of nowhere. It was all a bit one sided, too. Maybe you could have given the vampire a little more power, to make things more interesting.

SPOILER ALLERT:
Well, I read this hoping for something worth reading, especially when it involves a vampire.  The story started out fine, but then it turned into a "comedy".  This was not a horror in any way.  The minute Sarah asks, "Oh my God, what the hell are you?", and James responds with, "I am a vampire, you stupid bitch!", you lost me.  It made me think of a Stephen King movie, "Sleepwalkers", which was about werewolves.  Same concept, started out well, but then it turned into a comedy with the one liners.  Not impressed, and it is something that Stephen King isn't condoned to write in his books.  His movies are different from his books.

Regardless, if you are going to write a horror story, then make it a horror story.  Don't change the concept midway and make it a comedy.  Details were left out as well in your writings.  When James is eyeing Sarah, we don't know this.  We only read what you type about him looking at her.  Give some input on what James is thinking.  Something like this;

  "As James came into the living room, his eyes beheld Sarah in her silk robe.  James' heart began to beat faster, his eyes studied Sarah's shape, her figure, and her beauty.  The more James stared, the more his hunger grew for her, the more his desire for her ravaged his body".  Something like that.  Just a thought, that's all.

Let the reader know what James is thinking about Sarah, without letting out that he's a vampire.  You can play on words and hint that he's preparing to feast on her, but let the desire from James build until it is revealed who he really is, and what his purpose is with Sarah.  He doesn't want sex, he wants her blood.  

I also like the fact that Sarah is a "Vampire Hunter", who is hell-bent on destroying those who killed her parents.  Sarah has a shrine in a locked room, and a list of those who destroyed her parents.  Nice touch.  Shows that Sarah is vengeful, and somewhat of a vigilante.  That part is likeable, and believable.

Do some editing, and some re-writes.  You have something here, but make it more frightening.  Build up to revealing James' lust for Sarah's blood, and don't make it comical.