Hi Eric,
I think this needs a lot of improvement.
The grammar is really bad. You need to learn the difference between lay and lie, your and you're. A quick google search and you will be sorted.
You need to place a comma when addressing someone directly in dialogue eg: How are you, Bonnie.
It is very overwritten, as in, you explain everything in way too much detail.
Lots and lots of passive writing which is very distracting. Try to cut down on the "ing" words. Instead of, "he is walking", "go for he walks".
Why does the doctor have a syringe with a strong sedative in his pocket, loaded and ready to go?
Billy and Bonnie? I think it would be beneficial to change one of those names.
You can remove the continued at the top and bottom of every page, it only serves as a distraction.
Some really cringeworthy dialogue floating around, this was a cracker:
Quoted Text FATHER VICTA I know what it sounds like. But, in this world of ours there are good guys and there are bad guys. And right now your daughter’s a bad guy. A very bad guy. Now we can sit back and watch the bad guy take her over completely or we can kill it.
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Im not sure what to make of this image:
Quoted Text Laying on the bed is two bodies turned inside out that have been fused together. |
You would have heard of a movie called The Exorcist? Well, this is basically a bad 12 page version of that. There is nothing new or original. I love horror, especially when it comes to the occult, possession, demons, and so forth but this really missed the mark for me.
If it was just a writing exercise I think there are a few points to take away, but as far as a rewrite to make it better goes, without a fresh story you are still just going to be left with a short version of an already produced film.