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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Horror  ›  Lord Hear Me
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  Author    Lord Hear Me  (currently 966 views)
Don
Posted: June 8th, 2017, 10:49pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Lord Hear Me by Eric Chandler - Short, Horror - {no logline}  12 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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Warren
Posted: June 9th, 2017, 6:03pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


A man who has taught his mind to misbehave

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Hi Eric,

I think this needs a lot of improvement.

The grammar is really bad. You need to learn the difference between lay and lie, your and you're. A quick google search and you will be sorted.

You need to place a comma when addressing someone directly in dialogue eg: How are you, Bonnie.

It is very overwritten, as in, you explain everything in way too much detail.

Lots and lots of passive writing which is very distracting. Try to cut down on the "ing" words. Instead of, "he is walking", "go for he walks".

Why does the doctor have a syringe with a strong sedative in his pocket, loaded and ready to go?

Billy and Bonnie? I think it would be beneficial to change one of those names.

You can remove the continued at the top and bottom of every page, it only serves as a distraction.

Some really cringeworthy dialogue floating around, this was a cracker:


Quoted Text
FATHER VICTA
I know what it sounds like. But, in
this world of ours there are good
guys and there are bad guys. And
right now your daughter’s a bad
guy. A very bad guy. Now we can sit
back and watch the bad guy take her
over completely or we can kill it.


Im not sure what to make of this image:


Quoted Text
Laying on the bed is two bodies turned inside out that have
been fused together.


You would have heard of a movie called The Exorcist? Well, this is basically a bad 12 page version of that. There is nothing new or original. I love horror, especially when it comes to the occult, possession, demons, and so forth but this really missed the mark for me.

If it was just a writing exercise I think there are a few points to take away, but as far as a rewrite to make it better goes, without a fresh story you are still just going to be left with a short version of an already produced film.






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eldave1
Posted: June 9th, 2017, 8:57pm Report to Moderator
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Problems out of the shoot.


Quoted Text
INT. FRANKS CAR - DAY

DEPUTY FRANKS, a man in his 30’s, is driving a cop car down
a road. The radio is playing Down In the River To Pray.


Why not put police car in the slug and tell us if Frank is a cop.

Reads better as: Frank drives

Song plays


Quoted Text
He begins singing along.
DEPUTY FRANKS
(to himself)


Unless someone else is in the car we know he is singing to himself. Why not make the parenthetical - singing. I would also use quotation marks here.


Quoted Text
O brothers let’s go down. Let’s go
down, come on down. Down in the
river to pray. As I went down in
the river to pray. Studying about
that good ole way and who shall
wear the starry crown. Good lord
show me the way.



Quoted Text
DEPUTY FRANKS
Good morning Bonnie.


comma needed after morning - an error throughout.

This needs a clean up


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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