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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Horror  ›  Boys Night
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SimplyScripts
Posted: September 1st, 2017, 3:04pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Boys Night by Simon Parker - Short, Horror - To re-unit the old crew, Ben's two best friend team up to get rid of his girlfriend so that they can return to their beloved lads nights out. 4 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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Tyler King
Posted: September 1st, 2017, 9:15pm Report to Moderator
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There were quite a few grammar and punctuation errors throughout... also, try and give the 3 characters at least SOME kind of description other than age so it's easier to picture them... the dialogue was pretty unrealistic, as was the plot itself... so Luke and Jonathan just randomly kill Ben's girlfriend and make them drink her blood...? Why? Where's the motive? I felt this was written with no clear intentions on where you were going with it... read more like a comedy to me, and one that wasn't even funny. Sorry man, best of luck!
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Dreamscale
Posted: September 2nd, 2017, 9:14am Report to Moderator
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With a logline containing so many glaring errors, it is no surprise that what follows in the script itself is just loaded with mistakes.

Looks like zero effort went into this.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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JakeJon
Posted: September 5th, 2017, 9:06am Report to Moderator
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Hey Simon,

The two gentlemen commenting before me were kind.... and spot on.

Needs "alotta" work.

JJ




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Fausto
Posted: September 6th, 2017, 2:59pm Report to Moderator
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In addition to the imperfections outlined by the other readers, I have to add that the script, as presented, is utterly infantile. An insignificant horror story. My suggestion? Rewrite, rewrite, rewrite.
Best,
Fausto
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Warren
Posted: September 6th, 2017, 8:50pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Simon,

Thought I'd check it out for myself.

Not much to add really. There is no real motivation, a very weak story, and a lot of errors.

Honestly not sure what you could do to make it better.


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eldave1
Posted: September 6th, 2017, 9:34pm Report to Moderator
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Simon:

Sadly, I have the same view as others.

The dialogue is very unnatural - tedious and the script is rife with typos.

Sorry


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Dustin
Posted: September 7th, 2017, 1:54am Report to Moderator
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Not a bad idea for a story. I'm guessing a Brit and a young Brit. You need to ramp up the comedy in this one. It isn't a horror, it's a comedy horror.

It's comedy because guys don't kill their friend's gf just so they can have a night out. Also, making him drink her blood and he not guessing what it is was silly.
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Disco Cactus
Posted: September 13th, 2017, 2:05am Report to Moderator
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One Rule: KEEP WRITING

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Hey Simon, gave your script a read. I'll only be commenting on the story and characters.

SPOILERS.

Pretty straight forward story. Two buddies kill their other buddies girlfriend and get him to unknowingly drink her remains. No twist, no big revelations. That's it. You need more. Something to give it some impact.

The dialog is pretty bad, man. Sorry to be harsh, but sugarcoating it won't help you in the slightest. What I do is read the dialog out loud to myself. That helps me.

Unfortunately there really isn't much more for me to. Keep writing. Then rewrite. Then rewrite again. And read. Good luck and let me know if you have any questions for me.

~Zack~


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