Boys Night by Simon Parker - Short, Horror - To re-unit the old crew, Ben's two best friend team up to get rid of his girlfriend so that they can return to their beloved lads nights out. 4 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

There were quite a few grammar and punctuation errors throughout... also, try and give the 3 characters at least SOME kind of description other than age so it's easier to picture them... the dialogue was pretty unrealistic, as was the plot itself... so Luke and Jonathan just randomly kill Ben's girlfriend and make them drink her blood...? Why? Where's the motive? I felt this was written with no clear intentions on where you were going with it... read more like a comedy to me, and one that wasn't even funny. Sorry man, best of luck!

With a logline containing so many glaring errors, it is no surprise that what follows in the script itself is just loaded with mistakes.

Looks like zero effort went into this.

Hey Simon,

The two gentlemen commenting before me were kind.... and spot on.

Needs "alotta" work.

JJ

In addition to the imperfections outlined by the other readers, I have to add that the script, as presented, is utterly infantile. An insignificant horror story. My suggestion? Rewrite, rewrite, rewrite.
Best,
Fausto

Hi Simon,

Thought I'd check it out for myself.

Not much to add really. There is no real motivation, a very weak story, and a lot of errors.

Honestly not sure what you could do to make it better.

Simon:

Sadly, I have the same view as others.

The dialogue is very unnatural - tedious and the script is rife with typos.

Sorry

Not a bad idea for a story. I'm guessing a Brit and a young Brit. You need to ramp up the comedy in this one. It isn't a horror, it's a comedy horror.

It's comedy because guys don't kill their friend's gf just so they can have a night out. Also, making him drink her blood and he not guessing what it is was silly.

Hey Simon, gave your script a read. I'll only be commenting on the story and characters.

SPOILERS.

Pretty straight forward story. Two buddies kill their other buddies girlfriend and get him to unknowingly drink her remains. No twist, no big revelations. That's it. You need more. Something to give it some impact.

The dialog is pretty bad, man. Sorry to be harsh, but sugarcoating it won't help you in the slightest. What I do is read the dialog out loud to myself. That helps me.

Unfortunately there really isn't much more for me to. Keep writing. Then rewrite. Then rewrite again. And read. Good luck and let me know if you have any questions for me.

~Zack~