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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Horror  ›  Method To The Madness
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  Author    Method To The Madness  (currently 844 views)
Don
Posted: October 15th, 2017, 3:49pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Method To The Madness by Kavuma Mathew G.Q - Short, Thriller - Tom is a Good Man, you can always rely on Tom, all you have to do is ask. 14 pages

production: low budget, 3 main characters, 2 extras, 3 locations - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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Marty
Posted: November 3rd, 2017, 11:01am Report to Moderator
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Kavuma,

Congratulations on finishing your screenplay.

A few observations and suggestions:

I would watch your wording. Keep them simple for a quicker, easier read.
Examples:
Page 1.
On the coffee table is a bowl of chips and a beer, which he keeps imbibing.
I wouldn't use imbibing. But that is just me. It sounds weird to me and I had to google the meaning. Which I know makes me sound unintelligent. You're right, I'm not.
Page 1.
He unbars the door.
-Remove the bars from (a gate or door); unlock.
-I would just say he unlocks the door.

Typos. They happen to everyone. No worries. Just another set of eyes.
Examples:
Page 3.
TOM
Am (I am or I'm) Mr. Goodman, welcome to MJS consultancy, how may I help you today?
Page 6.
SOPHIE
Am (I am or I'm) so sorry Tom, I'll leave first thing in the morning.
Actually all of your Ams should be changed to I am or I'm.

Transition.
Example:
Page 9.
In my opinion I would change the following on page 9,
TIME CUT:
to
INT. HECTOR HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT - LATER
But that is your call.

Overall, the dialogue was not bad and I understood where you were going with the story. Good job.

Best of luck to you with all your current and future projects.

Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Marty  -  November 3rd, 2017, 12:06pm
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