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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Horror  ›  Fatal Distraction
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  Author    Fatal Distraction  (currently 98 views)
Don
Posted: November 5th, 2017, 4:49pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Fatal Distraction by Larry Postel - Short, Horror - A guilty man, who was cleared in the death of his wife, begins to see ominous images of her everywhere, ultimately leading to his own demise.   5 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  November 12th, 2017, 11:13am
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Marty
Posted: November 7th, 2017, 12:06pm Report to Moderator
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Larry,

Ah. I see what you did there.

Good job writing a story that involved a somewhat current affair.

A nice karma piece.

Easy to read. Nice flow.

I liked the take on death appearing like a middle aged woman. I hope I was interrupting that correctly.

An opinion or suggestion.
CONT'D:
It was suggested to me recently to remove the auto settings of CONT'D. I agree. It helps the eyes with an easier read.
That is just my opinion. The decision is up to you.

Another opinion or suggestion would be to add a logline.
I'd fear you may not get as many reads as you'd hope for without one.

Again, good work.

Best of luck to you with all of your current and future projects.

All the best,
Marty
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LarryP
Posted: November 10th, 2017, 10:38am Report to Moderator
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Thanks so much, Marty.  Best of luck to you as well!
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Marty
Posted: November 10th, 2017, 10:42am Report to Moderator
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Larry,

You're more than welcome. I enjoyed it. Keep writing.

All the best,
Marty
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eldave1
Posted: November 10th, 2017, 11:34am Report to Moderator
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All in all not a bad effort.


Quoted Text
A couple in bed are making love. Strike that. A couple in
bed are having sex. DREW PATTERSON, mid-40's, unshaven,
unseemly and overweight, is with a PROSTITUTE. She's on
top.


I know it's a style thing - but I really hate the "strike that" re-direct. Takes me out of the read. I would just start with DREW.

Also wouldn't label her as a prostitute just yet - it's more interesting is you let us learn that once she asks for the money.  

Some issues with the slug lines throughout. You can use "mini-slugs" when there is no change in time and you are not going from interior to exterior or vice versa. Otherwise you need a full slug.  Here are some examples:


Quoted Text
SOUND: a loud, violent SMASH -- apparently coming from the
adjacent bathroom.

INT. BATHROOM - MOMENTS LATER

Drew rushes in to see the mirror shattered. Puzzled, he


I would go with

SOUND: a loud, violent SMASH -- apparently coming from the
adjacent bathroom. Drew rushes into the

BATHROOM

Spots the mirror shattered. Puzzled, he...

That way you don't need the INT or the moments later. By the way - you use the moments later way too often - it is implied in many cases and you use them inconsistently anyway. e.g.,


Quoted Text
INT. KITCHEN

Drew frantically enters, fully dressed now. He grabs his
keys and cell phone from the counter. He rushes out the
door.


This was moments later and you did not use it as opposed to the prior shots. As a note - this scene is not needed at all. No one cares where he finds his key and cell phone. Why not just have him rushing out the front door - keys and cell phone in hand. No need to take a route through the kitchen.


Quoted Text
EXT. STREET


This needs to be a full slug.

EXT. STREET - NIGHT

Because you're moving from an interior to exterior location.


Quoted Text
INT. TRUCK


This needs to be a full slug - you're moving from ext to int location.

Hope the above helps - the writing is generally solid. Keep at it




My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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