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“A fist SLAMS down onto a wooden table, hard. Crockery and cutlery rattle.”
- A good, dramatic opening image, in media res.
“...and excess water.”
- Funny description here. I guess it works in a literal sense.
“There are two plates of HALF EATEN FOOD, each in front of them both.
- This could be cleaned up, without losing any information. to something like:
“There are two plates of HALF EATEN FOOD in front of both”
Gotta say, fantastic opening scene all around. Given the characters introductions and the time period, I thought Edwin was going to be another domineering, abusive brute of a husband with Harriet as the meek, long suffering wife but there is something far more interesting going on. Sharp dialogue too.
THOMAS I’ve come here to enjoy a drink with my friends. Not listen to some pansy blubbering in my ear—
- Sh?t, you wouldn’t want to be thin skinned in 1860s York, motherfuckkas is cold!
Reading on, they actually are empathetic souls after all.
I like how you have us wondering what’s actually happened since Thomas mentioned a daughter yet there is a boy chained up in the barn.
EDWIN Keep talking and I’ll cut out thee serpent tongue.
- Loving the fire and brimstone speak from Edwin, he’s really hamming it up.
JOSEPH Father.
- Nice twist. It’s funny, for some reason I had an inkling Joseph was more significant than the others. Maybe because Harriet talked about being young enough to produce more offspring. Of course, this could’ve applied to just losing their daughter so then I thought Joseph had killed Katherine and Edwin & Harriet were exacting revenge...before you dropped this revelation. Don’t get me wrong, it still works as a surprise.
I don’t know if you meant to lead us into thinking Joseph had killed Katherine. As you can see, that’s where my mind went to anyway. This looks to be a witchcraft scenario like The Crucible or The VVitch, which is fine too, just wondered if it was your intention to misdirect us.
“His body drops, but is caught by his wrist. Suspended in the shackle.”
- Love the inclusion of this detail. A startling image too.
I really liked this, man, very well put together, strong writing. It kept me engaged throughout and was effectively creepy too. Great job.
I love this. Some things I would mention...and it's only opinion - The script moves along pretty good but needs a bit of trimming in my opinion so that the gut punch that it's his son comes a tad earlier. - Once we find it's his son, I think that the dialogue talking about 'them' or those that accused him is misleading. If you are not going to ever get close to the 'why' of that or introduce us to this part it should be taken out IMO. Would cut down on some of the dialogue that feels like it's trying to be backstory but it's a backstory that does not need to be there. We already are trying to figure out why parents could be wanting to kill their son... - I like the fact that they have done this before and Joseph knows about it. Good work. - I LOVE the fact that once shot and thought to be dead Joseph comes 'back' sort of... - I find myself looking for an even better twist or one more though at the end. Like what if you do it as you have it ... but as Joseph is moving unnaturally he utters something like 'you can't kill me' or something similar to that... and when we cut back to the wife (same time as Joseph is burning to a crisp) we see him there strangling the wife or we see him even just walk thru the door (assume he's coming for revenge or something) Leave the audience with a big twist at the end so your twist does not fall flat.
Great story. I really would love to film one like this. What are your plans with it? For it?
I came a little late to the party but decided to give it a shot anyway.
As Warren, I wouldn't change the title either. Sounds original and powerful.
You did a nice job: the story is well crafted, the script is well written, the reveals are good and the dialogue has some great lines.
Maybe this draft needs a little polishing for my taste and I'd change some formatting things just for personal preference but, in the end, everyone has its own style and I enjoyed this read a lot.
I just re-read this after four years of recurring thought and mental images. Damn. This is still one of the better horror shorts I've read on SS and I wanted to give it another shout-out. Get it out front again.
Dale: You still out there? Did anything ever happen with this work?
I just re-read this after four years of recurring thought and mental images. Damn. This is still one of the better horror shorts I've read on SS and I wanted to give it another shout-out. Get it out front again.
Dale: You still out there? Did anything ever happen with this work?
First script I’ve had a chance to read in ages and glad I did.
Excellent script there. Very atmospheric. Kept me guessing. Sparse dialogue that left me wanting more, but I’m glad you held back as I think it’s better for it.
Would be keen to hear if anything ever came of it.
I loved this script. The screenplay form is beautiful, and a work like this one really does just glide off the page and rolls through your brain. Super smooth. The mood, tone and twists reminded me of something from an old EC comic. Like Vault of Terror. Really, really cool.
Unfortunately, looking at the OP's history, they haven't been active since 2019