The Drowned (was The Drowning Ghost) by David González - Short, Horror - On a summer night, a girl with a dark secret must fight for her life after she becomes trapped in a swimming pool by a blood-thirsty creature. 8 pages - pdf format

New writer interested in feedback on this work

Hey David,

This was a neat concept that you had here. At first I was getting tired of the monster continuously popping out and spooking her, but then it made sense. I've never heard of a monster that disappears when you hold your breath. Sorta reminds me of the Lights Out films where the ghost only appears when the lights turn off.

Not sure if English is your first language but there were quite a few spelling and grammar errors sprinkled throughout this script. I could break it down further if you need me to.

This would be a great little short to be filmed. It would be easy as it's technically one location, and the effects wouldn't be too expensive. I could see Fewdio Films, or someone similar, making something like this. A short for YouTube or something.

Good job, anyway. Let me know if there's anything I didn't touch on that you would like to know.

Hi Sean, here David.

First of all, thank you for your feedback. It has been booth constructive and encouraging.

You were right, English is not my first language and even thought I try to do my best, it seems sometimes quite a few errors slip. So, if you can break it down further I will carefully correct any error you saw.

The idea seemed nice enough for a horror-festival short at the time and as you noticed I took some inspiration from other well-known no-dialogue shorts as Lights Out or Curve.

This draft it's not bad as it is but I feel like it still needs a little work...

Anyway, I would like to see what other fellows may think.

Page 1--

Quoted Text She clicks off and puts the phone on the towel

Easier to read if it says "She hangs up and puts the phone on the towel"

Quoted Text Veronica finishes the last lap and is climbing out of the pool when A NOISE stops her dead.

What kind of a NOISE? A twig snapping? A growl?

Quoted Text She looks towards the eerily woods near the pool where the noise came from.

"She looks towards the eerie woods..."

But then, instead of just describing them as "eerie" describe HOW they're eerie. They're dark. Mysterious. A place that something evil could lurk...

Page 2--

Quoted Text The girl spies the wildness at moonlight. There is something hidden between the fooliage. Something veiled by the darkness -- A SHADOW.

"Veronica stares into the wilderness, lit by moonlight. There is something hidden between the foliage. Something veiled...."

Quoted Text Immediately -- the girl starts to swim like crazy towards the house.

Nothing wrong with this line. Just the usage of "swim like crazy" makes me laugh.

Page 3--

Quoted Text THE MONSTER PULLS TOWARDS HER FROM THE SAHDOWS!

SHADOWS*

Page 4--

Quoted Text THE JAWS OF THE MONSTER SHOW UP. Before her. Just inches apart from her frightened face.

Remove "Before her."

Quoted Text But as her hand goes for the knob...THE DOOR IS LOCKED.

Question: why is the door locked in the first place? I get that it's to create another suspenseful scene, but why did she lock the door when she's only a few feet swimming in the pool? I guess it could be a quirk of hers, but maybe show her locking the door and getting into the pool at the beginning?

Page 5--

Quoted Text The pain is strong. So strong that makes her forgot...

that it makes her forget

Page 6--

Quoted Text ...The music that undescores her getaway grows shattered, dissonant.

I would remove this completely. It takes away from the suspense that you've started to create.

Page 7--

Quoted Text THE SWIMMING POOL IS ALONE.

If you want to keep this line by itself and in all CAPS I would write it something like, "THE SWIMMING POOL IS EMPTY." or "THERE'S NOTHING THERE. Just an empty swimming pool" or something like that.

Quoted Text She closes the eyes and concentrates in...IN SLOW MOTION: HER BREATHING

She closes her eyes and concentrates... (take out the first 'in')

Very detailed, Sean.

I agree with all the changes.

About your question:

why is the door locked in the first place? I get that it's to create another suspenseful scene, but why did she lock the door when she's only a few feet swimming in the pool? I guess it could be a quirk of hers, but maybe show her locking the door and getting into the pool at the beginning?

Yeah, basically it’s that. I imagined it as a quirk, as you say. Something she often does. But it’s true, I forgot to introduce the reader to it.

I was thinking about modifying the scene of the call and placing it before in the script, as a set up: inside the house, just after she leaves the house and goes to the pool. And I think that can tie nicely with Veronica locking the door just before getting into the pool as you suggested. Good tip…

Thank you

David,

First off it's essential you know the difference between 'breath' and 'breathe' and edit throughout. Breathe is a verb we use for the process of inhaling and exhaling. Breath is a noun that refers to a full cycle of breathing. It also refers to the air that is inhaled or exhaled. Just remember one is a verb and one is a noun.

So this, below, needs correction as follows:

'Don't breathe.

You breathe...

You Die'

Imh, this doesn't really belong on your title page either, but should be Over Black, Insert Title Card.

You do have some NESB probs with the writing, some of which have been pointed out, and quite a few formatting probs with your slugs. I will try to come back to this in more detail if no one else comes on board. Bit pressed for time at the mo'. Hopefully Jeffrey the Slug Master is around re helping you with your pool locations etc. And, he's also a big horror fan.

Having said that, you've evoked a very nice creepy atmosphere with this. It just needs a little streamlining and attention to format detail. I enjoyed it.

Ups, you got me...

And that is a shameful one.

In theory, I know the difference. But when I write fast and I don't check it after...

That things happen

I'm happy you pointed it out.

About those lines in the first page...

I've seen similar things in a few professional scripts, but yeah, it's not standard... and maybe too risky for someone just starting. When I thought about it, it was more as a motto to 'sell the script to the reader' that as a title card or a caption.

Anyway, I'll give it a thought while I work in the rewrite. To see if they can fit well.

Sean has been very helpful and in his posts you see he’s clever and knows a lot about the craft.
But yeah, any additional help with my formatting and NESB problems will be welcome.

I hope it’s going to improve a little in the near future… and maybe someone will read it, like it and be encouraged to film it.

Many thanks LC!

Hey David!

Gave this another read to see the changes that you made to this script.

You begin this script with Veronica talking to her friend about how it was their fault that this man drowned, but once the script is over, you never really reveal what happened or why this drowned man is coming back for vengeance. My only guess is that the two girls saw this man drowning but didn't bother saving him. Is this correct? If not, maybe clarify a bit more as to what happened to this man and how Veronica feels guilty about it.

I also notice that your tense changes throughout the script, from present to present participle and I think even past tense, too. For example:

Quoted Text A  CELL  PHONE  is  on  top,  RINGING.

A cell phone SITS on top. It RINGS.

Quoted Text The  voice  on  the  other  end  has  gone  dead.

The voice on the other end GOES dead.

Quoted Text VERONICA  comes  out.  She  is  wearing  a  swimsuit  and  carries  a  towel  over  her  shoulder,  bartender-like.

1) Since you've already introduced Veronica, you do not need to CAPS her name again. 2) "She WEARS a swimsuit and carries a towel over her shoulder, bartender-like."

Quoted Text Veronica  finishes  the  last  lap  and  is  climbing  out  when  --

Veronica finishes the last lap and CLIMBS out. Or, BEGINS TO CLIMB out.

Quoted Text THE  CLOACKED  CREATURE  crawls  out  of  the  shadows  like  a  long-legged  spider.  Cutting  off  her  escape.

...It CUTS off her escape.

These are just some examples, but do you understand where I'm getting at? It helps make the script read easier and cleaner.

There are also quite a few sluglines in this script where I feel like they are not needed unless you are going for a true change of time/location. Most of the slugs are EXT. POOL - CONTINUOUS when you could probably take them out as we know that Veronica is in the pool. I don't think her position in the pool (swimming from one end to the other) warrants a new slugline. Plus, taking out these redundant sluglines will cut down the page count a bit, I think. You could take them out and it will still read the same. Just mention in the action line that she swims from one point of the pool to another. Once she gets out of the pool is when you would create a new slugline, like you did with EXT. PORCH, and when she's running across the grass, maybe you could have it as EXT. BACKYARD or something.

This script also has quite a few lines of exposition too. I'm guilty of doing this as well in my script and try to work on leaving them out as well. Some examples:

Quoted Text Veronica  can’t  belive  it.

We know this already by seeing her hang up in anger.

Quoted Text ...Full  of  tree  limbs  reaching  toward  her  like  long  fingers.  That’s  where  the  noise  came  from.

We already know that that's where the noise came from.

Quoted Text But  she  barely  notices.  So  scared  as  she  is.  She  instinctively  shields  with  her  arms  and  hides  underwater.

I think you could remove the first two sentences and just leave it at "She instinctively shields herself with her arms and hides underwater.

Quoted Text Veronica  is  in  shock:  she  stands  in  the  middle  of  the  pool,  trembling  with  terror.

You can take out the first sentence as seeing her tremble with terror in the middle of the pool is visual enough to see that she is in shock.

Quoted Text She  doesn’t  understand  what  the  hell  is  going  on...  But  she  knows  she  has  to  get  the  fuck  out  of  there.  Fast.

This whole paragraph can be taken out.

Those are just some examples as well.

Lastly, I know that English is something that you are working on, but if you would like for me to go through this and clean it up some, I can! Just wanna help make this as clean and easy to read as possible Let me know!

If there's anything I didn't touch on that you wanted critique on, let me know as well.

Hi Sean,

Quoted Text You begin this script with Veronica talking to her friend about how it was their fault that this man drowned, but once the script is over, you never really reveal what happened or why this drowned man is coming back for vengeance. My only guess is that the two girls saw this man drowning but didn't bother saving him. Is this correct? If not, maybe clarify a bit more as to what happened to this man and how Veronica feels guilty about it.

Yes, your guess was right. This is the idea. It's a script that can be shot with very little resources (just one location and a couple of actors) so I liked better not to include the scene you're talking about and keep it tight.

Quoted Text I also notice that your tense changes throughout the script, from present to present participle and I think even past tense … These are just some examples, but do you understand where I'm getting at? It helps make the script read easier and cleaner. … Lastly, I know that English is something that you are working on, but if you would like for me to go through this and clean it up some, I can!

Yes, I understand what you're talking about. Let me do some cleaning up myself (including most of the changes you already suggested), and then I'm going to send you a PM for you to take a second look. I'm gonna have to buy you a beer or something…

Quoted Text If there's anything I didn't touch on that you wanted critique on, let me know as well.

I think you covered it all.

Many thanks!

Hey David, formatting stuff and language have been covered, but i got some problems with the story, I think it's a little obscure as written, and there's little things, like why's she going for a swim so late? I think if you had both girls, glass of wine, by the pool, so be able to get some exposition in and be able to say what's going on, I think that would help as there seems to be some guess work going on at the moment. I think it works but I think you've chosen the more difficult option in having just one person?

Hey Simon,
 
Thanks for the read!
 

Quoted Text Hey David, formatting stuff and language have been covered, but i got some problems with the story, I think it's a little obscure as written, and there's little things, like why's she going for a swim so late? I think if you had both girls, glass of wine, by the pool, so be able to get some exposition in and be able to say what's going on, I think that would help as there seems to be some guess work going on at the moment. I think it works but I think you've chosen the more difficult option in having just one person?

 
I agree with you, having both girls glass of wine by the pool would definitely help and I chose the most difficult option but it was someway intended.
 
When I started writing this script, I was coming out of a 20 pages short script that was based on dialogue and I wanted to write something radically different and shorter, a 3-4 pages script where I could practice how to write atmospherically and how to build-up tension. An idea came to me and I put hands at work. I liked how it was turning out, so I expanded it a little more than planned.
 
I could add some more exposition but I think nothing substantial will improve, because the script is more about how Veronica reacts to this life-threatening situation (and how its mysteries unfold before her/our eyes) than about why that's happening. I am ok with the guess work at the moment as long as it doesn't confuse the reader.

It is a very contained script that can be filmed with very little resources and it kind of works as it is.
 
Anyway, your comments are good and you gave me a couple of things to think about. Thanks!
 
If you need someone to give a read to any of your scripts, let me know so I can return the favor

David

Hey David,

Really interesting concept here. There is some real potential here.

A serious rewrite is needed, lots of writing mistakes on display. I'd suggest reading some scripts and taking some notes. Many of your descriptions are overwritten or just flat-out don't make sense. Nothing a couple of solid rewrites can't fix.

That said, I enjoyed this despite the writing. Seriously great concept. The suspense/tension you could milk from this is vast.

Good luck with this.

Zack

Hey Zack,

Thanks for the read and the feedback.

I've read tons of screenplays but I'll certainly keep reading more. This script was some kind of experiment using a concept I liked and saw potential in. I wanted it to be very contained, so I took an unusual approach.

Since there's no dialogue, I tried to write it in a 'haiku style', split huge paragraphs using ellipsis and add camera directions to try to improve its readability, but this is not the usual way I write (my other horror short script on the forum, 'Glass Bottles', is more like it).

Once I finish with another short script that I'm working on right now, I'll try to give it another shot and see what comes out.

David