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The Painter - WT (currently 3655 views) |
Don |
Posted: April 2nd, 2018, 11:29am |
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AdministratorAdministrator So, what are you writing?
LocationVirginia Posts16417 Posts Per Day 1.93 |
The Painter by Warren Duncan - Short, Horror - A painter is tortured by his art. 1 page - pdf, format
Writer interested in feedback on this work |
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------------- You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take. - Wayne Gretzky
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Revision History (1 edits) |
Don - April 21st, 2018, 8:11am | revised draft | | |
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eldave1 |
Posted: April 2nd, 2018, 12:14pm |
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January Project Group
LocationSouthern California Posts6874 Posts Per Day 1.94 |
Quoted Text INT. STUDIO - DAY |
Make it ART STUDIO I got a bit confused with the large room after the header Studio thiking it was small - like a studio apt, Not a bad effort here - I did think there was a logic problem here:
Quoted Text His brush works frantically on a canvas which displays a nude model. She lies on the same white couch |
SPOILER Moments later the couch is blood stained with a dead woman - why wouldn't we have seen that when he first looked at the couched - he never moved. |
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Reply: 1 - 38 |
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Zombie Sean |
Posted: April 2nd, 2018, 1:48pm |
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Old Timer
LocationColorado Posts1547 Posts Per Day 0.23 |
SPOILERS
Unfortunately I saw the ending coming in a way, but I am a bit confused. Was she alive before? Why does her hand drop from the couch and the couch is now stained red, as if it weren't before? I'm assuming she was dead this entire time but the way the descriptions are written, it seems as if Carlos kills her with magic because it sounds like she's alive at the beginning of the script and suddenly dead at the end. I want to think that it is her ghost that is tormenting him, but yeah, just confused for the most part. |
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Revision History (1 edits) |
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Reply: 2 - 38 |
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jayrex |
Posted: April 2nd, 2018, 2:07pm |
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Old Timer Cut to three weeks earlier
LocationLondon, UK Posts1420 Posts Per Day 0.22 |
Not bad, it seems a bit OTT. Perhaps the paintings in the place show horror scenes too, although that would give away the set up.
It also reminded me of that lady in a red dress from Battlestar Galactica. |
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Reply: 3 - 38 |
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PrussianMosby |
Posted: April 2nd, 2018, 3:41pm |
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Posts1399 Posts Per Day 0.37 |
The Painter
All right. Good first attempt on this concept. A little more and you can go the route of the artist's psychosis :-) Reconsider this, a bit deeper storywise, with some good music then and this would work well. 4 |
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Reply: 4 - 38 |
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JEStaats |
Posted: April 2nd, 2018, 4:31pm |
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Old Timer No sh*t, there I was....
LocationTucson, AZ Posts1735 Posts Per Day 0.62 |
Loved it. Not what I was expecting. This would translate beautifully to the screen. Very cool.
I just read some of the other comments: Perhaps the easel partially hides the model on the couch so only her bare legs can be seen? IDK. I liked it. |
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Reply: 5 - 38 |
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PrussianMosby |
Posted: April 2nd, 2018, 4:43pm |
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Posts1399 Posts Per Day 0.37 |
I just read some of the other comments: Perhaps the easel partially hides the model on the couch so only her bare legs can be seen? IDK. I liked it.
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Yeah, I didn't even see it as complex as others here regarding the actual model. Rather I thought this guy has some serious problems, visions and mixing up stuff in his head. Then in the end he couldn't get over his favorite muse that he brought to the other side once, who now comes back round from time to time :-)... bitter sweet. Could work with some fine piano music and a moody picture... imo |
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Reply: 6 - 38 |
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khamanna |
Posted: April 2nd, 2018, 5:00pm |
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January Project Group
Posts4195 Posts Per Day 0.79 |
I really liked this one - thought she was entirely in his head when bam, he's a certified psycho. And I loved the last line. Great work. |
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Reply: 7 - 38 |
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ScottM |
Posted: April 2nd, 2018, 6:18pm |
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Posts49 Posts Per Day 0.02 |
Well that came out of nowhere, WTF.
I agree that this could be visually striking. The blood in contrast to the white room and couch.
Really enjoyed it. |
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Reply: 8 - 38 |
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DanC |
Posted: April 3rd, 2018, 2:19pm |
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Old Timer Killing villains since 1980!
LocationBuffalo NY Posts1131 Posts Per Day 0.34 |
Pretty good. I understand it's a 1 page limit, but I wish you spent less time on the room. We don't need to know about the sunlight. We do need to know about the other paintings. Perhaps you could show them ruined by some sort of movement.
Try to tie it all together by the end.
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Dan |
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Reply: 9 - 38 |
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Stumpzian |
Posted: April 3rd, 2018, 3:40pm |
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January Project Group
LocationNorth Carolina Posts662 Posts Per Day 0.18 |
My reading of the beginning of the scene is that we don't actually see the woman on the couch. All the references to the model involve what is shown only in his paintings, including the one he's working on, which shows the same view as all the others. We don't get to see the couch as it is now until the end.
The appearance of the woman behind him is only in his thoughts, repeating all the things that drove him mad. If I'm right, this story works well. |
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Reply: 10 - 38 |
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MarkItZero |
Posted: April 3rd, 2018, 6:20pm |
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Old Timer
Posts1007 Posts Per Day 0.35 |
I was gonna say the one problem is showing her on the couch but after reading what Stumpzian said I think he's right...
Quoted Text His brush works frantically on a canvas which displays a nude model. She lies on the same white couch. |
You should still probably reword that, though. Otherwise, great job! |
| That rug really tied the room together. |
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Reply: 11 - 38 |
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RJP |
Posted: April 3rd, 2018, 11:22pm |
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Posts69 Posts Per Day 0.03 |
I like this story. Pretty strong horror piece.
I think you may have missed an opportunity to do something with the picture he was painting. A clue on the canvas? Something to brainstorm perhaps if you're going to extend the script after the contest.
Nice job! |
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Reply: 12 - 38 |
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LC |
Posted: April 4th, 2018, 7:46am |
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Administrator
LocationThe Great Southern Land Posts7621 Posts Per Day 1.34 |
Live model paintings? Just describe them as: numerous paintings, all of them nudes.
I think 'stay still' might sound better than 'remain still' - but I could be wrong.
Perhaps: The white fabric now 'stained' red.
Nice idea. Would translate well to a short Horror. |
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Reply: 13 - 38 |
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CameronD |
Posted: April 4th, 2018, 12:31pm |
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Been Around
Posts542 Posts Per Day 0.14 |
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Reply: 14 - 38 |
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