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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Horror  ›  Motion Sensor - WT - Sold
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  Author    Motion Sensor - WT - Sold  (currently 2182 views)
Don
Posted: April 2nd, 2018, 11:36am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Motion Sensor by Anthony Cawood - Short, Horror - A security light makes this homeowner feel less secure. - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (3 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  November 13th, 2018, 7:09am
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Zombie Sean
Posted: April 2nd, 2018, 1:59pm Report to Moderator
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Nice usage of the motion sensor light. Kinda like an opposite "Lights Out". Would make for a good little horror short. Kind of wish you went into a little more detail of how the hooded figure's face was grotesque but you had one page so detail had to remain limited. Not much to really say here, except it paced well in my opinion.

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Zombie Sean  -  April 2nd, 2018, 4:34pm
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MarkItZero
Posted: April 2nd, 2018, 2:06pm Report to Moderator
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Got a bit repetitive for me. I liked how it started out. Good idea with the light sensors, has potential.


That rug really tied the room together.
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: April 2nd, 2018, 2:56pm Report to Moderator
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Felt like The Strangers condensed into a page, reasonable job.


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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JEStaats
Posted: April 2nd, 2018, 4:16pm Report to Moderator
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No sh*t, there I was....

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Oh yeah, I liked this and what this story could be. You've crammed so much into one page, let's see what/where you can go with this. Great job!
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PKCardinal
Posted: April 2nd, 2018, 4:27pm Report to Moderator
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Liked the use of the motion sensor to build tension.

Didn't care for the way it played out. Could see this drawn out to a multi-page short to build the tension further.

A good start.


PaulKWrites.com

60 Feet Under - Low budget, contained thriller/Feature
The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature
Wait Till Next Year - Disney-style family sports comedy/Feature

Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama, light horror
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khamanna
Posted: April 2nd, 2018, 5:13pm Report to Moderator
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It's a good set up. Doesn't give me a finished feeling. I want some wrap up to this.
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ScottM
Posted: April 2nd, 2018, 8:30pm Report to Moderator
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Very unoriginal. The setup is very much like the short Lights Out, which inspired the feature of the same name.

That just had a supernatural twist.


Any thoughts on my work in progress would be appreciated.

The Digger

http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1521688645/s-0/#num2
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eldave1
Posted: April 2nd, 2018, 8:56pm Report to Moderator
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Wasn't for me - writing was solid enough - it's that - even for a one pager - I knew where it was going from the start.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Warren
Posted: April 3rd, 2018, 12:10am Report to Moderator
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Quoted Text
BOB
What the...


Would anyone really say this?

I think it’s a good concept, but it’s been done a few times. I don’t think your version brings anything new.

Regardless, this would make a great short film.


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DanC
Posted: April 3rd, 2018, 2:50pm Report to Moderator
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Warren,
    I say that all the time.  Maybe I'm not real???  That'd explain a lot.  I mean really...

Back to the story, it was okay.  But, why would

oh, SPOILERS
why would an intruder act that way?  Makes no sense.  And how could they control the light sensor??

Solid 3 from me.

Dan


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
Dan
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PrussianMosby
Posted: April 3rd, 2018, 4:59pm Report to Moderator
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Motion Sensor

A nice little scare here - the kind of quick material some do, at least I see those around. Good atmosphere. It's not really impressive but definitely has its strength in suspense and structure. A last deep, heavy shock effect would make this fly imo
4



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RJP
Posted: April 3rd, 2018, 11:39pm Report to Moderator
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Total creep-fest.

I'm not a fan of the line "What the..." when his dead cat is hurled at the glass. Maybe I'm just being a nit ha ha.

Overall, good work!
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Stumpzian
Posted: April 4th, 2018, 7:32am Report to Moderator
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Our old motion sensor went on and off all the time, usually for no apparent reason. So I turned it off. Glad I did after reading this.



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CameronD
Posted: April 4th, 2018, 12:32pm Report to Moderator
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