The Haunting of GC by Rodrigo Torres  - Short, Horror - Upon starting her new job at a cinema, young ambitious Sandy has  her future threatened when her new work place attempts to consume her.  6 pages - pdf format

New writer interested in feedback on this work

Hi,

Staff members needs to be capitalised.

Quoted Text a temporary

Any particular reason why temporary is bolded?

Quoted Text herd of people

People needs to be capitalised. Anytime you intro a character on screen, no matter how big their role you need to capitalise it.

There’s no need to number the scenes.

Quoted Text The cinema gives off an ominous vibe.

How? What is visually happing to give us this vibe?

Quoted Text INT GOLD CLASS CINEMA - MOMENTS LATER

MOMENTS LATER will be fine.

Quoted Text PROJECTIONIST (O.S)

This would be more appropriately written as a voice over.

Quoted Text PROJECTIONIST (O.S) Are they off?

Why else would she ask? No need for this dialogue.

I'm not a huge fan of capitalised dialogue and don’t think it serves any real purpose.

Quoted Text CREEY OLD VOICE (O.S) No one leaves.

Other than the herd of people that left a few minutes ago?

Lots of sentences start with Sandy does this, Sandy does that, you need to try switch up the perspective from which you are writing.

Some of the dialogue in the beginning is quite good.

The story is okay; with no real idea what’s happing or why it really doesn’t leave you with much.

All the best.