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It leaves some questions unanswered, like how the hell this family ended up in that situation or why they wanted to be King and Queen, but that's fine with me for a short of this length.
This draft is far more entertaining than the previous. Contained and effective, still with that great image at the end.
Shooting a horror short with a baby has to be difficult, I guess, but it would be interesting to see this one on the screen.
Read the new draft. I feel like it's a definite step in the right direction.
I actually have no qualms with the story aspect of the screenplay. It's pretty original and rather creepy in places. I really appreciate the vagueness of the character motivations. You give us a little bit of exposition to wet our appetites, then you let our imaginations run wild.
From what I could gather, the baby Tobias was always meant to be the embodiment of evil, which is why the mother was scared that Lucy would be chosen, but showed no concern for baby Tobias. Good stuff.
Now to the bad stuff, the writing still needs to be cleaned up. Lot's of descriptions with "-ing" in them. Do away with those, it'll speed up the read.
And I'm still not a fan of the sequence where the baby-monster is heard moving around the room, but not seen. I knew what you were going for, but I feel there is a better way you could accomplish it.
Thanks heaps for your input. Im glad you mentioned the writing. It is something I am still trying to master. I know what i must do...get lessons lol....no..I need to keep working at it. Which is why im glad you brought it up... I will also give it a go in respect to making the 'thing' visable...I get what you mean, ive had a hard time with that part and maybe because it needs to be written as you suggest...
"Turn that off, our friend has just been killed in a fatal sunlight accident!"....
“Lucy gets in another poke then runs out of the room.”
- A small thing but is she actually poking Tobias with her finger here or just poking her head into the cot as before? If it’s the latter, this seems like an odd way to phrase it.
“Lucy slowly peaks her head”
- “Peaks” should be “peeks”
The scene where The Thing scurries around the room as Lucy cowers under the bedcovers was genuinely effective, creepy. I also liked the call back to Lucy sticking her tongue out at Tobias in the closing scenes.
Besides that though, it’s pretty thin and unsubstantial. Yes, I know it’s only 5 pages but this just feels like a glimpse or a scene taken out of something bigger. Like most of the story has already happened before the FADE IN so we only get hints and references to it here.
Hence, this doesn’t really function as a self contained piece for me.
Technically, the writing is solid and you show some horror chops with that scene I mentioned above but other than that there is not much to say.
You created some subtext with the "over the black and dialogue" that got my interested. I thought the build up was intriguing enough. I didn't feel the dialogue from the opening needed to be repeated though. I thought Tobias would be taken for sure, and I thought the empty crib confirmed that, so it added a little more to the story when he ended up in lucy's room. When it comes to that part though, I agree with others about how the heck can you film that but like you said it's a chance to practice some cgi.
BLB
Commodus: But the Emperor Claudius knew that they were up to something. He knew they were busy little bees. And one night he sat down with one of them and he looked at her and he said, "Tell me what you have been doing, busy little bee..."
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Scurry
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