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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Horror  ›  The Tooth Fairy
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  Author    The Tooth Fairy  (currently 903 views)
Zombie Sean
Posted: May 25th, 2018, 12:33pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Zack
Hey Sean,

It's been a long time since I've read some of your work. Glad to see you back.

I really liked this. Good and creepy, and very well paced for such a short script. I feel like I read this in two minutes. lol

The description of the tooth fairy was very creepy. I pictured it perfectly in my mind. Fuck that thing. Lol.

No real complaints. I really dug it all. Great job!

~Zack~


Hey Zack!

Long time, no see! Glad to see you're still lurking around here as well. Thanks for reading! I'm glad you enjoyed the script, and the visuals. Definitely don't want to mess with this Tooth Fairy. Thanks again!


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Philostrate
Posted: May 25th, 2018, 1:45pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Zombie Sean
That would make sense, for her to go for her daughter. The way I had it planned out was that she was trying to convince herself that it was just a nightmare she was having. Maybe I can have her move for the doorway, but the Tooth Fairy blocks her path? And then starts walking toward her which makes her move to the bed.


Yeah, I can see that working Sean! You got my point. But just small changes to sort out the logic. You could leave it as it is and it'd still be a good one.



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ajr
Posted: May 28th, 2018, 11:15am Report to Moderator
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Hey Sean,

Read this a while back, and had some of the same thoughts as some who have already weighed in. I let it pass without commenting because I'm not really a horror guy so I don't know what my advice will do for you, but here goes...

As someone said earlier, I feel that 'just desserts' wasn't really addressed here. Not sure the mom being a bit apathetic and throwing the tooth away merits the fate meted out.  Not sure of what you're trying to say here, above the creep factor and developing an ALIEN like fairy.

What if Hannah is bitterly disappointed that her mom didn't follow the rules? Then the tooth fairy is revenge killing, because above all, it loves the children. Then you could ratchet up the creep factor at the end - since the tooth fairy leaves Hannah an orphan - which is good for no one - what if it ends with the fairy hugging Hannah lovingly, and / or taking her away?

And yes, I would change the name. There was just a one-pager in the bracket challenge of the same name, and of course you're in the wake of The Rock's franchise.  THE TOOTH FIEND?

AJR


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Zombie Sean
Posted: May 29th, 2018, 11:34am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from ajr
Hey Sean,

Read this a while back, and had some of the same thoughts as some who have already weighed in. I let it pass without commenting because I'm not really a horror guy so I don't know what my advice will do for you, but here goes...

As someone said earlier, I feel that 'just desserts' wasn't really addressed here. Not sure the mom being a bit apathetic and throwing the tooth away merits the fate meted out.  Not sure of what you're trying to say here, above the creep factor and developing an ALIEN like fairy.

What if Hannah is bitterly disappointed that her mom didn't follow the rules? Then the tooth fairy is revenge killing, because above all, it loves the children. Then you could ratchet up the creep factor at the end - since the tooth fairy leaves Hannah an orphan - which is good for no one - what if it ends with the fairy hugging Hannah lovingly, and / or taking her away?

And yes, I would change the name. There was just a one-pager in the bracket challenge of the same name, and of course you're in the wake of The Rock's franchise.  THE TOOTH FIEND?

AJR


Hey AJR, thanks for giving this a read, as well as your advice (which is helpful even if you're not a horror guy -- anything helps!).

I've been thinking more of a reason for why the parents get their comeuppance, and even though I'm okay without giving a reason, it seems to be a popular opinion that these parents deserve their fate a little more than what's made out to be. What if the parents tell Hannah straight up that the Tooth Fairy isn't real and that she shouldn't believe in such things? That way the parents are assholes and deserve their fate, all while realizing that the Tooth Fairy is, in fact, real and not what they suspected at all? I wanted to go for a campfire tale type of story, with a soft beginning and a hard ending, but I'm fine with putting in a little more detail of the parents and their fate.

Or what if you see the Tooth Fairy, then she kills you? That's too much like Darkness Falls but will also give reason as to why the parents die but the child doesn't.

I do like the idea of the Tooth Fairy taking Hannah away.

And still not sure what to do about the title. You brought up great points as to why it needs to change but that's toward the bottom of my list on things that need to be fixed with this script.

Thanks again for the read and the advice!


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