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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Horror  ›  Renewal
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Don
Posted: June 11th, 2018, 11:18am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Renewal by Steve McDonell (stevie) writing as  - Short, Horror - After the apocalypse, some traditions never die. 5 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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Busy Little Bee
Posted: June 14th, 2018, 5:47pm Report to Moderator
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Hey, Stevie

I like the package here, title, premise, and story idea. The opening definitely had my interest with the sunlight and zombie holding her hand up with the ring finger as old memories flashed creates intrigue, "where's this going?"

I had some issues with how somethings were described but not with what was happening. The dialogue seemed a little awkward given the circumstances, it's not that it didn't sound realistic but it seemed to scripted like would they have said that considering.  

I'm big on revelations so her coming for parents was a nice one. The ending as well with the ring exchange. It did cross my mind if it would of hit home more if it was the guys parents and he was going to retrieve the ring only from a more conventional approach to the whole proposal thing nevertheless it was still a nice way to wrap the scene up.

BLB


Commodus: But the Emperor Claudius knew that they were up to something. He knew they were busy little bees. And one night he sat down with one of them and he looked at her and he said, "Tell me what you have been doing, busy little bee..."
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