Blue Ribbon by Cindy Keller - Short, Horror - A woman must find a way to beat out her snooty competition if she is ever going to win a blue ribbon for her tomatoes. 4 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

If you can't view the video here, you can view the video on Facebook.

Hi Cindy,

Notes as I read.

You have a blank page after your title page for some reason.

Quoted Text hard-working  MAVIS

Looks like there may be a double space between hard-working and MAVIS.

Quoted Text BUZZZZ

Personally not a fan of comic book sound effects, but I know a lot of people use them.

Quoted Text You can take your sorry behind off of my property.

Super small nit, but "of" not required. Less relevant in dialogue as people can talk however they, or you chose.

SPOILERS

Not too much here for me, and what there is makes little sense, not that most horrors are grounded in reality, but why is this batch of grow enhances so potent? Seems odd that the world would continue on as normal after a 3 feet mosquito attack. After turning something like a mosquito into a killing machine, I feel like you would be reluctant to make a monster rabbit.

The horror element it very light on. There is no real tension and the only potentially horrific part is a pretty uneventful kill.

At face value it’s a bit of fun, just don’t dwell on any of the details.

The writing is otherwise very good.

All the best.

Hi Warren,
Thanks for the read.

This was my first attempt at writing on new software. Not sure what I did for the blank page, but I couldn't undo it.

I had always wanted to create a giant mosquito and had Mavis use an over abundance of chemicals to do it. It's a lot lighter than the giant killer mosquitos that would suck all of the everything out of people and leave their shell of skin. Lol

I thought it may bring someone a smile.

Thanks again,
Cindy

Cindy: well written.

I kind of saw the twist coming - but all in all a pretty good effort.

Hey Cindy, very cool to see you around these boards again.

I liked this story! You know what it reminded me of? Remember that old Andy Griffith show with the pickle contest? One of the best.  

So, I guess your Halloween costume this year will be a giant mosquito?

Small typo at the end. Calandar - calendar

Hi David,

Thank you for the read.

A big congrats to you for not one, but two quarter finalist scripts in this years Page contest.

Hi Pia, thank you for the read. I'm glad you liked it.

I don't remember that episode of Andy. I'll have to look it up.

A big congrats to you for being a quarter finalist at this years Page contest.

I'm trying to be around more. Overtime at work is finally slowing down.
It's good to see all the writers with short scripts to watch , and other writers getting optioned.

Cindy

Hi Cindy,

Very well-written.

I liked it but I think it's more a comedy than a straight horror.

WARNING: SPOILERS AHEAD

My favorite line:

Quoted Text "Giant bunny contest".

Material for a sequel?  

David

Hey Cindy,

Happy to see you are still around. How have you been?

Funny little story here. I kind of predicted what was gonna happen, but I enjoyed it none-the-less.

Writing wise, this was excellent. Very easy to follow. I'm gonna re-read this and take some notes. lol

One thing I noticed was that you didn't really give any character descriptions. I suppose that's okay for a short, though I still think you could have described the characters looks a little bit. You mention that Shirley waddles away after she steals the giant tomato. The word "waddles" made me visualize her as a short fat lady, which made me laugh.

I'd definitely say this is more comedy than horror. Still, I really liked it.

Zack

Hi David,
When I sent this one in, I wasn't quite sure where it should go so I just entered "short".
It probably got put into short horror because of the monster, which is fine by me.
I remember a goofy movie titled, "Killer Tomatoes", and I believe it was a horror, and it was quite silly.
I'm glad you liked that line.
I was hoping to put a smile on faces.

Thank you for the read.

Cindy

Hi Zack,
I've been doing pretty good. My health is better this year. Last year was a pain.
Yes, I guess I could have written better descriptions. Yes, I saw Shirley as a short, chubby, pest. Lol
My next script , I will.
I plan on writing more often.

You know, I read your short the other day, but it was during my lunch hour at work, so, I will give it another read this weekend.

Thank you for the read. I appreciate it. I'm glad you liked it.

Cindy

I want to thank everyone for the reads.
I will be reading this weekend.

Cindy

Cindy,

Just now saw this. Cute little tale you have here. Not necessarily scary as the horror implies, but your giant mosquito bite should qualify.

I didn't really understand why Shirley was stealing one of her tomatoes in the first place. Perhaps a quick line from Shirley to explain that would help. As is it seems she just ran in and grabbed a giant tomato. I'd like to know why.

I'm sure someone has already mentioned you have a blank page after your title page.

The ending--perhaps a devilish look from Mavis after we see her calendar is in order. You could end it that way. Sort of let everyone know that Mavis is about to take this all a little too far.

Overall, a fun little read. Good luck with it.

Steve

Hi Steve,
Thanks for the read. Glad you liked it.
I did have Mavis tell her through the closed door that she was taking her blue ribbon this year and there was nothing she could do about it., but I like your idea to add a line in when she is stealing a tomato.
I also like having her grin at the end.

Thank you again,
Cindy

Hi Cindy,

That was fun. I enjoyed the rivalry between them. The mosquito growing to be that big did seem out of place. It jarred the story for me, maybe if it was set in a fantasy/surreal world, the overgrowing of the tomato and mosquito would feel more normal but still be impactful and effective. Or maybe the mosquito needs to have more time to get to that size?

Anyway nice job.

Cheers Kirsten