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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Horror  ›  Kiss Goodnight
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  Author    Kiss Goodnight  (currently 128 views)
Don
Posted: July 29th, 2018, 2:37pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Kiss Goodnight by Oksana Shafetova - Short, Horror - Two brothers tell scary stories at night. They don't suspect real monsters are within. 3 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
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Forgive
Posted: July 29th, 2018, 4:31pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Oksana, not too bad a story, fair twist at the end, but formatting is off, looks like you used word or something, so you need to check this and make such your margins for dialogue and stuff are all set right which they're not at the moment.
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eldave1
Posted: July 29th, 2018, 7:45pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Forgive
Hey Oksana, not too bad a story, fair twist at the end, but formatting is off, looks like you used word or something, so you need to check this and make such your margins for dialogue and stuff are all set right which they're not at the moment.


Yep - not close to right. Easy enough to fix though.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Kirsten
Posted: July 30th, 2018, 7:00am Report to Moderator
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Hi Oksana,

Intriguing story, I liked the twist. Some nice descriptions too. There are a few writing errors that I'll show you. I am certainly no expert in grammar but I'll show you what I know.

*BEN, 10, in a pajama with a ghost print, holds a
flashlight upward.* Should be 'in pajamas'

*Tom turned round immediately. Ben turns off the light and grabs the brother growling.*
Make sure you keep it in present tense, such as--- 'Tom turns around'.
The next sentence doesn't read right and using 'the brother' adds to a confusing read.  Just use the characters name, it's easier for the reader to process the action --- 'Ben turns off the light  grabs Tom and growls at him.'

*Ben tilts his head to one side, gazing at Tom.* 'and gazes at Tom'

*A door creaks shortly downstairs. Brothers glance at the clock.* Take out 'shortly' doesn't make sense. 'The boys'  or 'they both', or 'the brothers' glance at the clock.

*Wooden planks screeched in the corridor.* 'Wooden planks screech in the corridor.'

*Someone puts a key in the lock.* Because you've already let us know someone is approaching you don't need to add 'someone' in this sentence. Just need to write the action of a key being put into the lock.

*Tom hides the flashlight under the pillow and falls flat
on his back.
Someone puts a key in the lock. It clicks two times.
Another key clanks on the ring and goes in the second
lock, makes two spins again. The door opens.
MOM, 40, steps in. She wears the long white gown, her
dark hair perches on shoulder blades like limbs of a
gigantic spider. She looks around and limps toward the
boys, breathing heavily.*

You need spaces between each new action sequence you have already created i.e

*Tom hides the flashlight under the pillow and falls flat
on his back.

Someone puts a key in the lock. It clicks two times.
Another key clanks on the ring and goes in the second
lock, makes two spins again. The door opens.

MOM, 40, steps in. She wears the long white gown, her
dark hair perches on shoulder blades like limbs of a
gigantic spider. She looks around and limps toward the
boys, breathing heavily.*

*She wears the long white gown* 'She wears a long white gown'

*her dark hair perches on shoulder blades like limbs of a
gigantic spider.* need to add on *her* shoulder blades' This is an awsome visual! Well done..!

*Someone rustles sheets noisily. Tom digs up the flashlight and aims it forward.* Is this 'someone' Tom? If so best to say Tom rustles the sheets noisily. It's too confusing to add the word 'someone' into the sentence when we know who is in the room already, also the director needs to know who is doing the action.

*Tom throws light down.* this reads awkwardly.

*Momís bare feet are twitching on a dark floor.* needs to be on 'the' dark floor.

*Tom throws light down. Momís bare feet are twitching on a
dark floor. She stands on her knees beside the bottom
bed. Her head and hands lurk in the shadow.
Tom descends carefully, clenching the flashlight in one
hand. When his toes touch the floor, he illuminates two
figures. Mom buried her face in a pillow, hands stretched
out in wide V.*
This sequence is very confusing. It took me a bit to figure out what was going on....She can't be standing on her knees this makes no sense. the reader needs to know with your action lines that first off --- Tom shines the light to reveal that his mother is kneeling beside Ben's bed and we can see her twitching feet. (A good description 'twitching feet! nice!)  Then Tom gets off the bed slowly and with the flashlight illuminates the rest of her showing her arms stretched out over the bed with her face buried in a pillow on Ben's bed at the end or side of Ben's bed.

*His eyes are blood-red with no pupils; a thin veil of dark vessels covers his deadly pale cheeks.* Great description!

*Tom drops a flashlight* drops 'the' flashlight. It might be a good idea to google about the use of 'a' and 'the', it's very useful. and better than me trying to explain...

*He grasps Momís wrist only to dig his sharp teeth into her flesh.* 'he grabs his mom's wrist then digs his sharp teeth into her flesh.' You don't need to add 'only to' it just takes away for the flow of the action...

*In a light of fallen flashlight two brothers drink Momís blood.* 'In 'the' light of 'the' fallen flashlight........

This is a good creepy contained short with a very low budget and cool twist.... and I can only imagine how difficult it is to write in English when it's not your main language. I find it hard enough when it is..

Just work on that re write and put it back out there!

Cheers Kirsten





"Turn that off, our friend has just been killed in a fatal sunlight accident!"....

'What we do in the Shadows.'
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Oksana
Posted: August 5th, 2018, 8:36am Report to Moderator
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Hi Kirsten!

Thank you so much for your feedback. It's very helpful and kind! I do agree on everything pointed out and have already mended those flaws.  
I will definitely brush up on articles, thanks again for the advice.


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Oksana
Posted: August 5th, 2018, 8:40am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Forgive
Hey Oksana, not too bad a story, fair twist at the end, but formatting is off, looks like you used word or something, so you need to check this and make such your margins for dialogue and stuff are all set right which they're not at the moment.


Thanks for your feedback, I will do a research on formatting
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MGray
Posted: August 5th, 2018, 4:04pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Oksana,
Nice little three-pager.
Something I don't understand...why is the room locked? Why does the mother need a key to enter?
It's a little confusing for me and it throws off the read.
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DanielW
Posted: August 7th, 2018, 6:52am Report to Moderator
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Oksana,

It's faIr to say, I didn't see the twist coming.

Daniel
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