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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Horror  ›  I Murdered My Wife
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  Author    I Murdered My Wife  (currently 348 views)
Don
Posted: September 1st, 2018, 8:49am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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I Murdered My Wife by Sean Elwood - Short, Horror - The title says it all. 1 page - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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Zombie Sean
Posted: September 1st, 2018, 8:58am Report to Moderator
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Hello all,

This was a personal challenge I decided to do and make a 1-page short without any dialogue.

I know, the logline sucks, but I was having trouble with finding a logline without revealing the "twist". Any help with that would be appreciated.

Sean


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Zombie Sean  -  September 1st, 2018, 9:43am
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IamGlenn
Posted: September 1st, 2018, 10:55am Report to Moderator
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Hi Sean,

A one pager is tough. Not sure about this one. So, The Thing wasn't his wife? A monster of some kind impersonating her? I was just left a little confused.

As I said, one pagers are tough and this didn't have much of an impact. I'd definitely be interested in a more fleshed out version if you have a story in mind.

Good luck,
Glenn.


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Zombie Sean
Posted: September 1st, 2018, 12:56pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Glenn!

Thanks for reading! Yes, The Thing wasn't his wife, it was a monster/creature/something supernatural impersonating her.

It's tough critiquing a 1-pager, I'm sure, but thanks for your comments. I could see this being fleshed out but right now I don't have a larger story in mind. Sorry it didn't have an impact on you! Thanks again for your comments!

Sean


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stevemiles
Posted: September 1st, 2018, 4:53pm Report to Moderator
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The ‘Congratulations Lauren!’ pic is a nice touch, but this would all be moving so quickly that I wonder if the connection would be clear enough for the audience to get your intent?

For me the ending could raise more questions than answers: some kind of undead or maybe just wounded?  Feels more like an opener for a longer piece than a contained whole.  Can’t help but feel it’s a bit ambitious for a one pager that's more likely to leave a viewing audience confused rather than satisfied.

Steve


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Dustin
Posted: September 2nd, 2018, 2:58am Report to Moderator
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Action speaks louder than dialogue.

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Yeah, to me, it seems that she is only wounded after all. My initial reaction was, shouldn't she be dead after that? I also don't understand why the husband would admire himself covered in blood. They've lived together for a long time, so he's not simply a psychopath. Why did he kill his wife?

I don't get any ghost aspect from this short at all.
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Anon
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I think the challenge of a micro script is getting a satisfying resolution. Or three tiny acts, a beginning, middle and end, like any story. So throwing a monster in at the end doesn’t work for a short any more than a longer script.

For a one pager - although this idea might be a bit cliche - you could have him kill his wife, only for her to text and say she’s running late and her sister’s coming over.  


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Zombie Sean
Posted: September 2nd, 2018, 11:38am Report to Moderator
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Hey everyone,

Thanks for the great feedback! I guess this story doesn't translate well as a 1-pager, so Imma look into maybe expanding it a bit longer as everyone has suggested. It was a fun challenge for myself either way, but looks like it wasn't executed properly Thanks again, for the feedback and suggestions!

Sean


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DanielW
Posted: September 4th, 2018, 12:51am Report to Moderator
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Sean,

I’m thinking out loud, but the text message could play a bigger part here.

What about he kills his wife and his wife’s phone rings. He picks it up and it’s the US Powerball. “Can we speak to your wife - she’s just won $100 million dollars”.

Daniel
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Zombie Sean
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Quoted from DanielW
Sean,

I’m thinking out loud, but the text message could play a bigger part here.

What about he kills his wife and his wife’s phone rings. He picks it up and it’s the US Powerball. “Can we speak to your wife - she’s just won $100 million dollars”.

Daniel




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irish eyes
Posted: September 5th, 2018, 8:57pm Report to Moderator
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One pager's are hard, but it was still pretty effective.
How did Derrick know that wasn't the real Lauren. Is there a significant mark or tell tale sign?
What if he actually killed his wife an it was the monster who replied in the text?

Flesh it out a bit more to fill in the loopholes otherwise good effort Sean


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MatthewLincoln
Posted: October 4th, 2018, 6:44pm Report to Moderator
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Sean,

Just read your short, and it was a very interesting read. First off, congrats on being able to pull off a one-page short. That's pretty cool in and of itself.  I liked the way you described the action. I could visualize everything that was going on. I am a little confused though: Was that not his wife that got killed, or was that some type of hallucination(I thought that after reading about the text message)? At any rate, it was a good read.

Matthew Lincoln

P.S. Could you give me some feedback on my script. It's called Inescapable, and it's in the sci-fi short section. Thanks.
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