I Murdered My Wife by Sean Elwood - Short, Horror - The title says it all. 1 page - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hello all,

This was a personal challenge I decided to do and make a 1-page short without any dialogue.

I know, the logline sucks, but I was having trouble with finding a logline without revealing the "twist". Any help with that would be appreciated.

Sean

Hi Sean,

A one pager is tough. Not sure about this one. So, The Thing wasn't his wife? A monster of some kind impersonating her? I was just left a little confused.

As I said, one pagers are tough and this didn't have much of an impact. I'd definitely be interested in a more fleshed out version if you have a story in mind.

Good luck,
Glenn.

Hey Glenn!

Thanks for reading! Yes, The Thing wasn't his wife, it was a monster/creature/something supernatural impersonating her.

It's tough critiquing a 1-pager, I'm sure, but thanks for your comments. I could see this being fleshed out but right now I don't have a larger story in mind. Sorry it didn't have an impact on you! Thanks again for your comments!

Sean

The ‘Congratulations Lauren!’ pic is a nice touch, but this would all be moving so quickly that I wonder if the connection would be clear enough for the audience to get your intent?

For me the ending could raise more questions than answers: some kind of undead or maybe just wounded?  Feels more like an opener for a longer piece than a contained whole.  Can’t help but feel it’s a bit ambitious for a one pager that's more likely to leave a viewing audience confused rather than satisfied.

Steve

Yeah, to me, it seems that she is only wounded after all. My initial reaction was, shouldn't she be dead after that? I also don't understand why the husband would admire himself covered in blood. They've lived together for a long time, so he's not simply a psychopath. Why did he kill his wife?

I don't get any ghost aspect from this short at all.

I think the challenge of a micro script is getting a satisfying resolution. Or three tiny acts, a beginning, middle and end, like any story. So throwing a monster in at the end doesn’t work for a short any more than a longer script.

For a one pager - although this idea might be a bit cliche - you could have him kill his wife, only for her to text and say she’s running late and her sister’s coming over.  

Hey everyone,

Thanks for the great feedback! I guess this story doesn't translate well as a 1-pager, so Imma look into maybe expanding it a bit longer as everyone has suggested. It was a fun challenge for myself either way, but looks like it wasn't executed properly Thanks again, for the feedback and suggestions!

Sean

Sean,

I’m thinking out loud, but the text message could play a bigger part here.

What about he kills his wife and his wife’s phone rings. He picks it up and it’s the US Powerball. “Can we speak to your wife - she’s just won $100 million dollars”.

Daniel

Quoted from DanielW Sean, I’m thinking out loud, but the text message could play a bigger part here. What about he kills his wife and his wife’s phone rings. He picks it up and it’s the US Powerball. “Can we speak to your wife - she’s just won $100 million dollars”. Daniel

One pager's are hard, but it was still pretty effective.
How did Derrick know that wasn't the real Lauren. Is there a significant mark or tell tale sign?
What if he actually killed his wife an it was the monster who replied in the text?

Flesh it out a bit more to fill in the loopholes otherwise good effort Sean

Sean,

Just read your short, and it was a very interesting read. First off, congrats on being able to pull off a one-page short. That's pretty cool in and of itself.  I liked the way you described the action. I could visualize everything that was going on. I am a little confused though: Was that not his wife that got killed, or was that some type of hallucination(I thought that after reading about the text message)? At any rate, it was a good read.

Matthew Lincoln

P.S. Could you give me some feedback on my script. It's called Inescapable, and it's in the sci-fi short section. Thanks.