Out of Order by Luke Walker - Short, Horror - A night at the local multiplex turns into a nightmare for a middle-aged man with a dark past - who learns that being sorry doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll be forgiven. 5 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hey Luke,

I enjoyed the script. Sounds like you really dislikes this guy by the way you described him, LOL.

Forgive my ADD, but I had some questions: Why was the figure a surgeon in the restroom and later? Also, I'm confused with the missing persons poster of a young boy, are we to believe he had something to do with it? If so how would it be to do more of a 'the ring' type thing, like he molested the boy in a restroom somewhere and this is why he came after him this way? I enjoyed the, you think you're out of it, but you're not, continuity.

Also, why was the word “sinner” written across the picture? And one other thing, Eddy says early on “Please, no! I'm sorry.” when he sees the surgeon. Why is he sorry and asking forgiveness from a surgeon?

Great read. Look forward to more.

Hi Luke,

This was entertaining, well paced, I liked the movie theatre setting.

My interpretation at the end was that he killed the boy in the poster and demons/ghosts got their way with him by tormenting and killing him..

The surgeon's role was confusing, I have no idea why he's in the story. At first I thought it was a surgeon who had helped him with weight loss, who was there to punish him for continuing to not look after himself.

There are some past tenses which shouldn't be used in the script, ...'he was stood' etc... I found this: http://mistakeswritersmake.com/sat-and-sitting-stood-and-standing-mistakes-115-and-116/

Good luck with it!
K

Luke,

I just read your short. It was very interesting from start-to -finish. You write action very well, and it's an interesting story. I was also a little confused about the surgeon's role in the film, but I'll read it again to get a better understanding. Overall, it was a very cool read. Great job.

Matthew Lincoln

P.S Care to give me some feedback on my script? It's called Inescapable. It'a a 24-page sci-fi/horror/thriller piece  influenced by The Terminator.

It's in the Short Sci-fi section. I'd appreciate it.

Hi.

Read this. Good descriptive writing, but far too bulky action scenes that read more like prose.

Also we know who he is. Repeating his name at the beginning of every action scene was tedious reading.

Overall:

Good descriptions but a tedious read.

Thanks for sharing.

Extremely well written but I felt the text (action lines) was a little too dense, often at seven lines and there were too many adverbs in there, as well as some adjectives, which if removed would make for a punchier script.

I liked the minimal dialogue. One comment though is when Eddy says “What’s going on? What just happened?” This seems a little too verbose for someone just coming around.

I think the reader can guess Eddy’s crime from the picture and what the surgeon is there to do, but the word sinner across the picture confused me to be honest.

Finally, shouldn’t the script end with FADE OUT and not “The End”?

Really enjoyed it though.