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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Sci Fi and Fantasy Scripts  ›  Dragons of Ash
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  Author    Dragons of Ash  (currently 1506 views)
Don
Posted: November 17th, 2010, 6:21pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Dragons of Ash by Darren J Seeley (darrenjamesseeley) - Short, Fantasy - From within the walls of a keep, a group of knights and a sorcerer must rescue a princess from a nasty set of creatures who hide in smoke. 14 pages - pdf, format


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colkurtz8
Posted: November 19th, 2010, 6:13pm Report to Moderator
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You check out mine, I'll check out yours.

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Darren

I've seen your name around the boards this past while so I decided to be the first to have a look, "pop her cherry" if you will!

Anyway, I must admit I'm not exactly a fantasy aficionado, more indifferent or a “take em or leave em” attitude would sum up my feelings. I mean, I've watched the 3 LOTR films once and not exactly breaking myself to see them again in a hurry. Although, I enjoyed them and was in awe of the sheer imagination at play.

It seems you are well into the genre and it shows, there are some inspired ideas in this. The writing itself is quite crisp, sparse and not bogged down by overt detail which can often hinder scripts with a fantastical element simply because you are mostly attempting to convey unworldly things, creatures, places, etc.

You hint at a world beyond the confines of this piece with the place names on the map at the beginning. This gives us a sense of place within a foreign land whilst letting us know there is more out there besides the events depicted here.



Spoilers!!!













Although I had my suspicions regarding the “princess” from the outset (it may have been your intention to not disguise this) I loved the set up of her waiting in the Keep luring gallant knights in with her beauty before having her way with them. The Gargoyle minions blocking the way was a cool touch, I particularly liked the part when Jeremies skewers one and it “squeals loudly like a pig.” I could really hear and visualise that (why do these creatures always make swine sounds actually when slain?)

I definitely enjoyed the read, James and as I said, it’s obvious you’re a fan, the enthusiasm comes through in the writing but I’m assuming this is part of a larger work. It felt like an extract from a more developed piece, perhaps a subplot or epilogue. The multiple place names and range of characters and ideas crammed into this suggest this is merely a sampler. I think you done a good job in compressing down to, for the most part, a self contained short but I feel I’m not getting the full story, you know. Like what are the extent of Jeremies’s powers, the origins of the princess/witch and her motivations for going on this rampage. The band of Knights and their ravaged town and of course Darial Keep where the majority of scenes take place. It feels like all these components have a history and back stories that you naturally can’t go into detail here.

So while the piece was an interesting taster, I was left wanting more.

Col.



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colkurtz8  -  November 19th, 2010, 8:47pm
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BRBellerophon
Posted: November 21st, 2010, 9:59pm Report to Moderator
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Just as Col said, I really like how you paint a picture that transports us into your fantasy landscape. It seems that you can make a much longer piece from this world you've created.

I also liked your dialog. Short, succinct and to the point. Has a bite in it too.

What I didn't like is that I was able to foresee the ending before it actually came. I cannot give concrete examples but I've read quite a number of fantasy stories in which the damsel in distress becomes the main baddie. And I've always wondered if a lady's charm is an inherent weakness of all knights in shining armor. This always seem to lead to their downfall.

I liked how you made Jeremias. He's as awesome as magi come.

All in all, I liked this very much. I would like to see more stories about this world.


"All men dream, but not equally. Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their minds wake in the day to find that it was vanity; but the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act their dream with open eyes, to make it possible." - T.E. Lawrence
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Angry Bear
Posted: December 20th, 2010, 8:44pm Report to Moderator
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Just read this one. Just like Col said, I've seen your name on the boards so I thought I'd give this a read. I have to say though that I was quite disappointed to see you never acknowledged or said thanks to those who've read your script so far. If you want more reads, answering peoples comments is #1...

Anyway, I thought this read pretty easy for a fantasy script. I only noticed one typo. You wrote "it's" instead of "its" at some place in the beginning.

Story wise I think it was fine. Not great, but sufficient. There was nothing earth shattering in the story and I agree what both previous comments point out. I wanted so bad for there to be a twist or something at the end, but it played out pretty much as expected.

I know an awesome writer here "Mr. Z" or Mattias Caruso who loves to write in the same genre. Sci-fi/fantasy stuff. I would really encourage you to read some of his stuff. Tower of Wishes would be perfect for you. It is the same genre as your script, but is an absolute fantastic tale.

Pia


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DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: December 20th, 2010, 9:16pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Angry Bear
Just read this one. Just like Col said, I've seen your name on the boards so I thought I'd give this a read. I have to say though that I was quite disappointed to see you never acknowledged or said thanks to those who've read your script so far. If you want more reads, answering peoples comments is #1...

Pia


Pia, if you have seen my name on the boards then you also know that I have responded to comments regarding my work. And I do thank them. It just so happened that this thread I had yet to respond to.

And thanks for reading.


"I know you want to work for Mo Fuzz. And Mo Fuzz wants you to. But first, I'm going to need to you do something for me... on spec." - Mo Fuzz, Tapeheads, 1988
my scripts on ss : http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1095531482/s-45/#num48
The Art!http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-knowyou/m-1190561532/s-105/#num106
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Angry Bear
Posted: December 20th, 2010, 9:18pm Report to Moderator
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...no... just because I've seen your name doesn't mean I read all your posts. I just said I was disappointed to see you had not responded to the two previous comments. Especially since the last comment was a month ago.

No reason to get frazzled.  


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DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: December 20th, 2010, 9:22pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Angry Bear
.
No reason to get frazzled.  


I'm not.
It's a Full Moon tonight.



"I know you want to work for Mo Fuzz. And Mo Fuzz wants you to. But first, I'm going to need to you do something for me... on spec." - Mo Fuzz, Tapeheads, 1988
my scripts on ss : http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1095531482/s-45/#num48
The Art!http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-knowyou/m-1190561532/s-105/#num106
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Angry Bear
Posted: December 20th, 2010, 9:25pm Report to Moderator
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...and a lunar eclipse!  


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DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: April 15th, 2017, 12:08am Report to Moderator
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It's being done!

It will be an animated short by Frank Silva. He did an eight second promo here:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HfpIAMqe5nM

I know there's not much to look at right now, and it most likely will show up only on You Tube
Frank found the script here at this site a few months ago.

Cross your fingers, and I'll cross mine.


"I know you want to work for Mo Fuzz. And Mo Fuzz wants you to. But first, I'm going to need to you do something for me... on spec." - Mo Fuzz, Tapeheads, 1988
my scripts on ss : http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1095531482/s-45/#num48
The Art!http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-knowyou/m-1190561532/s-105/#num106
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pale yellow
Posted: April 15th, 2017, 4:18pm Report to Moderator
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Very cool that it's being done. Would love to see this when finished. Keep us posted!


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