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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Sci Fi and Fantasy Scripts  ›  Revisionist
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  Author    Revisionist  (currently 737 views)
Don
Posted: August 19th, 2017, 10:42am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
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Posts Per Day
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Revisionist by A. James Nadworniak - Short, Sci Fi, Fantasy - Isaac Clark a former M.I.T. student has created the ultimate technology that lets him go back in time to save people from their untimely demise — for a fee. 7 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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DustinBowcot
Posted: August 19th, 2017, 11:24am Report to Moderator
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Code

EXT.NEIGHBORHOOD- DAY- 18 DAYS AGO

we open to reveal a very picturesque north-eastern
neighborhood its all quiet except for some dogs barking and
bird chirping. we follow a bunch young kids running to the
bus stop.one young fifteen year old KELLY POE lags behind
texting on her phone and listening to music.



Would be better written as...

EXT. PICTURESQUE NEIGHBORHOOD - DAY

SUPER: 18 DAYS AGO

Dogs bark and birds chirp as five YOUNG KIDS run to the
bus stop. Fifteen-year-old, KELLY POE, lags behind texting and
listening to music.
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Simon
Posted: September 1st, 2017, 4:12am Report to Moderator
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English, self taught comedy writer

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London
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There are lots of grammar and spelling mistakes in this. The last paragraph on page 6 could possibly be the longest sentence I've read in my life. Your story isn't bad, but in the state you have it in now, I don't think any potential employer would get past the first page. I liked the bit about time travelling injuring Isaac. Maybe you could expand on that and maybe even have him killed at the end. I think that would make your story more interesting, as it's a little on the bland side. It's basically 'girl is in trouble, Isaac gets hired, everything is ok'.


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