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Timmy: Customer Service - WT (currently 3067 views) |
Don |
Posted: March 18th, 2018, 8:06pm |
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AdministratorAdministrator So, what are you writing?
LocationVirginia Posts16381 Posts Per Day 1.94 |
Timmy: Customer Service by Frank MacCrory (FrankM) writing as - Short, Sci Fi - A troublemaker pushes the limits of cheerful customer service. 8 pages - pdf format
Writer interested in feedback on this work |
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Revision History (3 edits; 1 reasons shown) |
Don - May 6th, 2018, 10:13am | revised draft | | |
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TheUsualSuspect |
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 6:36am |
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New
LocationCanada Posts351 Posts Per Day 0.05 |
I honestly thought that I was missing some pages when I got to the end. Am I? You start you FADE IN, but then make no indication that the story is over and it is only 3 pages long.
Some of the humour hits, I chuckled once or twice. I don't think I understand the story though, Jake just wants to create havoc for the robots?
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Reply: 1 - 35 |
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DustinBowcot |
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 7:20am |
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Guest User
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The writing lacks flow.
Interesting. The story is creative to the point I think I actually like it.
Writing: 2 Story: 3.5
2.75 |
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Reply: 2 - 35 |
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khamanna |
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 10:40am |
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January Project Group
Posts4194 Posts Per Day 0.79 |
ahaha, this is a very nice beginning to a short. You do need an ending.
It's still going to be a very tough call when choosing between the two. Nice job here. But I do think it lacks the ending. |
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Reply: 3 - 35 |
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Stumpzian |
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 11:56am |
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January Project Group
LocationNorth Carolina Posts662 Posts Per Day 0.18 |
Zips along pretty well but no real destination or rationale. Names Timmy/Tammy/Tommy slowed me up. |
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Reply: 4 - 35 |
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eldave1 |
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 12:11pm |
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January Project Group
LocationSouthern California Posts6874 Posts Per Day 1.95 |
Just okay for me.
Would have liked a little more foreshadowing of the environment - i.e., maybe place this in the future so the auto cars and droids immediately make more sense.
A difficult them and kudos for the effort. |
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Reply: 5 - 35 |
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CameronD |
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 12:24pm |
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Been Around
Posts542 Posts Per Day 0.14 |
I'd say a SUPER at the beginning to indicate this is the future would help. Just having autonomous cars on the street isn't enough to show it's the future. Also, as TIMMY looks human, though fake, from the outside it may be hard for the audience to know what's really going on here.
I wish the boy had a reason to mess with the robot instead of just messing around with him for fun. Once the initial joke of the boy's lies and TIMMY's interactions is set up, it gets old fast.
I do like the ending where the boy's misdeeds come back to hurt him and the ambulance is called off due to his allergy. I think this script would do better if it was shorter and got to the ending/punchline faster. As that's really all it is, a setup to the gag at the end. Which is good.
Again, considering the awkward constraints of the challenge you did a good job. However, having read your competition, they did a better one. Incident at the Super mart gets my vote. |
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Reply: 6 - 35 |
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DanC |
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 12:44pm |
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Old Timer Killing villains since 1980!
LocationBuffalo NY Posts1131 Posts Per Day 0.34 |
I thought this was pretty hit or miss. It felt more like a skit rather than a story.
But, you hit the parameters, so, that's good.
Dan |
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Reply: 7 - 35 |
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MarkItZero |
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 1:15pm |
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Old Timer
Posts1007 Posts Per Day 0.35 |
Not a huge fan of this one. Some funny moments but not much of a story or any reason to care about the people/androids. Perhaps with more time you can flesh this out into something more.
Oh, and brutal challenge parameters. So, pretty decent effort. |
| That rug really tied the room together. |
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Reply: 8 - 35 |
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PKCardinal |
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 3:30pm |
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January Project Group
LocationKansas Posts1447 Posts Per Day 0.63 |
I like your take on the character who can't tell the truth. It's fun. I agree that it'd be nice for there to be a reason he's messing with the robot, but given the constraints...
The payoff felt a bit like an add-on. Given more time and a couple of rewrites, maybe you could get it to fit into the story a bit more organically.
Overall, I enjoyed the script. |
| PaulKWrites.com
60 Feet Under - Low budget, contained thriller/Feature The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature Wait Till Next Year - Disney-style family sports comedy/Feature
Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama, light horror |
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Reply: 9 - 35 |
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Warren |
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 4:06pm |
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Of The Ancients A man who has taught his mind to misbehave
LocationSydney, Australia Posts3897 Posts Per Day 1.36 |
Comedy is always tough.
I didn’t mind it but it's definitely not as good as the super mart script.
Could have used a better payoff. |
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Reply: 10 - 35 |
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JEStaats |
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 7:31pm |
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Old Timer No sh*t, there I was....
LocationTucson, AZ Posts1735 Posts Per Day 0.62 |
I liked where this was going but it fell just a tad short. You had one more page to put a good zinger on the end to bring it home but it just seems to end abruptly. I just wanted to know if he was just messing with the bot or if he had another end in mind.
Good stuff, but not great for me. |
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Reply: 11 - 35 |
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Pale Yellow |
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 7:34pm |
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January Project Group
Posts2083 Posts Per Day 1.40 |
CUSTOMER SERVICE I enjoyed the dialogue. This is the second sci-fi story I’ve read with robots. This read very fast and the dialogue was snappy. It was mostly one scene with a quirky gotcha at the end. I was getting tired of Jake anyway at that point. So glad of the outcome. Like the irony. Good job writer. |
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Reply: 12 - 35 |
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AnthonyCawood |
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 8:17pm |
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January Project Group
LocationUK Posts4319 Posts Per Day 1.14 |
I like some SciFi with my SciFi, and this seemed more comedy... having said that I did kinda like the comedy inherent in confusing robots in this way. |
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Reply: 13 - 35 |
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Zombie Sean |
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 8:27pm |
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Old Timer
LocationColorado Posts1547 Posts Per Day 0.23 |
Short and funny, though not as sci-fi as I was hoping. Still, it was well done and I liked the dialogue between everyone, especially Timmy and Tammy. Good job with this one. |
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Reply: 14 - 35 |
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