This is incredibly helpful feedback. I have no intention of having someone punch an android in the face, but I did recently read something on how conflict/mishap is helpful for prying exposition out of characters in an organic way.

(In my own recent experience, no one would have known I was on a business trip if there wasn't a hiccup with my flight. I then had to explain to the gate agent that, no, getting there tomorrow is not acceptable. In the end I was able to get where I was going, though the cancelled direct flight turned into three short, uncomfortable flights. Damn you, Act II, and your need for rising tension!)

My screenwriting looks amateur because I'm an amateur screenwriter trying to get better. On the other hand, I am a published author in a very different field and know the value of un-sugarcoated feedback.

My screenwriting will probably never reach maximal terseness, since I do this to take a break from writing computer code, mathematical proofs, and academese.  But I will make a concerted effort to improve on this script before sending it in as a short to get another round of harsh feedback.

I was taught to give harsh feedback using the sandwich method.

Step 1: Say the work is interesting, novel, whatever... and mention a major thing or two you like about it. If the work is long or complicated, summarize it to demonstrate that you understood what you read.

Step 2: Tell them in no uncertain terms that this and that need to be fixed, with general directions on how if you're able (often determining the best fix requires access to stuff that only the author has).

Step 3: Wrap up on a positive note, about how much you look forward to the improved version once these understandable flaws have been fixed.

This is just advice on the order in which to say things. If you're insincere about what you say in any of those steps most people will see right through your bull and can easily get too defensive to accept the advice... possibly turning the whole exercise into a waste of your time.

Hey Frank,

You will be fine. What Dustin's trying to get at, if I may summarize for him, is that it takes practice, and is an art form, to be descriptive while at the same time scrutinizing every word. THAT is screenwriting.

I liked your competitor's script, however I voted for you because you actually handled the key element of lying more effectively IMHO.

Much luck moving forward.

AJR

The best lessons I've had came from the harshest deliveries. The earliest being my father when, at 7-years-old, I showed him my first piece of writing and he called it a pile of shit. He wasn't wrong. Write what you know, he said, and he was angry. Angry that his 7-year-old son had dared show him such drivel.

I learned from that that a writer is the sum of their experience and education. Experience is the most important. Which is where the 'write what you know' stuff comes in. I also grew a thicker skin.

The advice I've given you usually means I get paid afterward. I gave it, not to show off, but to help you become a better screenwriter. I wouldn't have bothered if I didn't think you were talented. I also owe this site, so my words hopefully help others that are reading.

Quoted from DustinBowcot The best lessons I've had came from the harshest deliveries. The earliest being my father when, at 7-years-old, I showed him my first piece of writing and he called it a pile of shit. He wasn't wrong. Write what you know, he said, and he was angry. Angry that his 7-year-old son had dared show him such drivel.

It all makes sense now!!!!

Quoted from DustinBowcot The best lessons I've had came from the harshest deliveries. The earliest being my father when, at 7-years-old, I showed him my first piece of writing and he called it a pile of shit. He wasn't wrong. Write what you know, he said, and he was angry. Angry that his 7-year-old son had dared show him such drivel.

I never had my Dad or anyone else get pissed at me for my writing, and I distinctly remember there being plenty of paper around for me to use when I was five. Probably earlier, but definitely by five.

I was literally thrown into the deep end of a pool to prove to me that swimming worked just as well on that side as the shallow side, so it's not like the adults in my life were afraid to show their displeasure. Creative works just didn't rise to the level of importance to elicit that kind of response.

Quoted from DustinBowcot The advice I've given you usually means I get paid afterward. I gave it, not to show off, but to help you become a better screenwriter. I wouldn't have bothered if I didn't think you were talented. I also owe this site, so my words hopefully help others that are reading.

I do think it's valuable, and had I paid for coverage would have been quite satisfied to receive what I did. Just would never dream of paying for coverage on a three-page vomit draft Hopefully this is helpful to others reading this as well.

Quoted from TheUsualSuspect It all makes sense now!!!!

"Were you toilet trained at gunpoint?" -- Bill Rago (Renaissance Man)