SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is March 29th, 2024, 5:36am
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
One Week Challenge - Who Wrote What and Writers' Choice.


Scripts studios are posting for award consideration

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Sci Fi and Fantasy Scripts  ›  Prom Night
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 1 Guests

 Pages: 1
Recommend Print
  Author    Prom Night  (currently 906 views)
Don
Posted: April 15th, 2018, 3:40pm Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
16381
Posts Per Day
1.94
Prom Night by R.J. Patteson - Short, Sci Fi, Fantasy - A scrawny nerd tries desperately to tell his crush something important on prom night. 11 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged Offline
Site Private Message
Kirsten
Posted: April 18th, 2018, 2:34pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group


Giving up is not an option....

Location
Kiwi in Ohio
Posts
373
Posts Per Day
0.13
Hi R.J,

A nice little love story. Charlie is interesting and I liked him. Because the theme has been done in a whole movie this comes across for me like a condensed version of Ground Hog Day. But its fun, sweet and has a happy ending.

'Charlie jumps out of bed, puts on an oversized Michelangelo t- shirt (not the famous artist), adjusts his coke-bottle glasses, and storms out of the room.

HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS
His father is waiting for him outside the door.'

The formatting needs a little work here. You can write '

He storms out of the room into the..

HALLWAY
Where his father stands waiting for him.

You don't need to write continuous here because the action shows this.


'EXT. SARAH’S HOUSE - LATER
Charlie dives off the bike in the center of the yard. Tufts of grass erupt from the fall.'

This action seemed a little to abrupt, maybe add that he rides up off the road  and onto the front yard. show us a little more.


'EXT. SALON - AFTERNOON

Charlie is sweating profusely and chugging air.

Just as he arrives at the Salon, he can see SARAH (1, beautiful-- out of his league, get into the passenger side of her father’s car and drive away.'

This needs to be a bit clearer. i.e. Charlie throws his breaks on and stops in front of the Salon. He looks for Jess through the window. He doesn't see her. He looks out toward the parked cars and sees her getting into .....


'He looks on as BUCK (19, victory lap) and two of his cronies take turns pushing around DARREN (1, who’s just as nerdy as Charlie.'

Where have they come from? Are they outside the front door? Need to be more specific  as to where these guys are exactly.

It's always a golden rule to keep CUT TOO's out of a spec script. It is very tempting, but if you can get into a habit of not doing that it's a good one to get into. The crash scene probably doesn't need those written into it. the director will know what to do with it to make it effective.

When using numbers in the dialogue don't use digits. You have to write them out..tedious yes...


'Charlie looks Buck in the eyes. Summons everything he learned with the complimentary Karate classes he took at his local YMCA and --'

This is a cool scene, but you need to show that he has taken karate lessons at the Y, by letting him do a few maneuvers before he finally strikes. As it is written it's just in his head.

It's got good structure, it's fun, the dialogue is good overall.

Cheers
K


"Turn that off, our friend has just been killed in a fatal sunlight accident!"....

'What we do in the Shadows.'
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 1 - 3
RJP
Posted: April 18th, 2018, 9:34pm Report to Moderator
New


Posts
69
Posts Per Day
0.03

Quoted from Kirsten
Hi R.J,

A nice little love story. Charlie is interesting and I liked him. Because the theme has been done in a whole movie this comes across for me like a condensed version of Ground Hog Day. But its fun, sweet and has a happy ending.

'Charlie jumps out of bed, puts on an oversized Michelangelo t- shirt (not the famous artist), adjusts his coke-bottle glasses, and storms out of the room.

HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS
His father is waiting for him outside the door.'

The formatting needs a little work here. You can write '

He storms out of the room into the..

HALLWAY
Where his father stands waiting for him.

You don't need to write continuous here because the action shows this.


'EXT. SARAH’S HOUSE - LATER
Charlie dives off the bike in the center of the yard. Tufts of grass erupt from the fall.'

This action seemed a little to abrupt, maybe add that he rides up off the road  and onto the front yard. show us a little more.


'EXT. SALON - AFTERNOON

Charlie is sweating profusely and chugging air.

Just as he arrives at the Salon, he can see SARAH (1, beautiful-- out of his league, get into the passenger side of her father’s car and drive away.'

This needs to be a bit clearer. i.e. Charlie throws his breaks on and stops in front of the Salon. He looks for Jess through the window. He doesn't see her. He looks out toward the parked cars and sees her getting into .....


'He looks on as BUCK (19, victory lap) and two of his cronies take turns pushing around DARREN (1, who’s just as nerdy as Charlie.'

Where have they come from? Are they outside the front door? Need to be more specific  as to where these guys are exactly.

It's always a golden rule to keep CUT TOO's out of a spec script. It is very tempting, but if you can get into a habit of not doing that it's a good one to get into. The crash scene probably doesn't need those written into it. the director will know what to do with it to make it effective.

When using numbers in the dialogue don't use digits. You have to write them out..tedious yes...


'Charlie looks Buck in the eyes. Summons everything he learned with the complimentary Karate classes he took at his local YMCA and --'

This is a cool scene, but you need to show that he has taken karate lessons at the Y, by letting him do a few maneuvers before he finally strikes. As it is written it's just in his head.

It's got good structure, it's fun, the dialogue is good overall.

Cheers
K


Thanks.

Someone else mentioned the bike scene too. I wanted to have him wipe out in his urgency. But I guess it's a bit much.

Is the writing on numbers really a big deal? Someone mentioned that on one of my other scripts. When you introduce a character you put: JIM (47), not JIM (forty-seven) then you have the strict rule for everything else. I like to spell it out sometimes  if it's a "one", "two", "three"... but overall seems like a bogus rule.

In a different script I had a guy monologue about his odds of dying to different things... 1 in 47 chance....1 in 840,978... could you imagine if I wrote it down as "One in Eight-Hundred- and forty thousand-nine-hundred and seventy-eight?"

And I don't know if it's because I write scifi, but it comes up ALL THE TIME. So I just use numbers lol.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 2 - 3
Kirsten
Posted: April 19th, 2018, 5:19am Report to Moderator
January Project Group


Giving up is not an option....

Location
Kiwi in Ohio
Posts
373
Posts Per Day
0.13
Hey R.J

Yeah when you are using lots of numbers in dialogue like that, it's a pain. I just looked it up. It's a general rule but I think in cases where you have tones of numbers you could break it.

https://johnaugust.com/2010/numbers-in-dialogue.


"Turn that off, our friend has just been killed in a fatal sunlight accident!"....

'What we do in the Shadows.'
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 3 - 3
 Pages: 1
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Short Sci Fi and Fantasy Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006