S.S.R.: The Stuttgart Sex-Robot Report by Matthew Akisanya - Short, Sci Fi - In the near future, mayhem ensues on a sex-tech TV show when a disgruntled, depressed employee hacks a new type of sex robot in an attempt to kill the arrogant host.  21 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Aspiring to be a Sci-Fi Thriller satire.
No sex robots were harmed (or used) during the writing of this script.

Hi Matt

Had a look at this as requested.

You have painted a very grim place, and, not a very nice TV show. Like some kind of sex robot house of horrors.

Must admit though, I was confused about what was happening most of the way through. It might just be me not getting it, or maybe I missed something, I have written below the questions I am asking myself, if that helps.

- What does all this technology do? what does a motherboard, stuck behind a statue in a bathroom,  have to do with anything? it's not explained and so confused me - same goes for the xbox controller, the rings - think the whole process of hacking could be better explained
- Who is Bertha? why is she raping a robot?  Don't understand her relevance to the story
- Why is Modo doing what he is doing?
- Why is Athena different from the others? why can she act of her own free will?
- Why was Modo cutting his back?
- What happened to the Rasberry Pi Device, it was mentioned, then not heard from again - I don't think it was anyway

The descriptions and actions feel, clunky, for lack of a better word - They can be cut a lot I feel, there is a lot of "it is/ she looks/ starts to / turns to"
The read isn't smooth

I'll try and use an example as I am not great at explaining myself

Quoted Text Modo stands still by the Roman Soldier doll, carefully watchings Bertha. He has the engagement ring box in his hand. Modo opens the ring box. It contains two SMART RINGS. He places one on his finger. Modo puts one of the rings on his index finger. Modo takes a steps forward, with the other ring, and is about tries to put the ring on the male doll�s finger, but his clumsy stagger pushes him into it the doll. The doll falls crashes to the floor, making a lot a lot of clanging and noise as it goes down.

I have quickly done the above, I think it could be re-written entirely to make it better, but I am trying to highlight the over use of words. Hope it makes sense.

While I think about it, there are a lot of "ing" words as well, I believe action is supposed to be present

Quoted Text hesitantly pressing the blade on his hunch

Eg the above - he presses the blade, not pressing

I think you could shave a lot of pages off of this.

Other things I noticed -
-  "has his own unique eccentric fashion style. He is every bit the
young, arrogant D-list celebrity" Show us what he is wearing, make it eccentric, don't tell us - also would like you to show me he is arrogant rather than tell.

- similes, I'm not a fan, not sure what the specific rule is - sometimes they can be great in properly showing what the writer means, but when you have used them, I already know what you mean, so they seem unnecessary

There were other comments I had but I have forgotten them lol.

Sorry if this seems overtly negative. I like the story, abused sex robot seeks bloody revenge, good stuff, I think it needs a bit more substance and clarity.

Good luck with it.

The above is obviously my inexperienced views, take from it what you will.

All the best

Matt

From one Matthew to another:

Thanks a lot for your comments Matthew!

No problem.

I hope there is at least one thing in there that is useful lol

I am unsure how helpful my comments are sometimes, or even if they are correct

Matt

Every comment is helpful. I think it’s important to be honest and say whether you liked or didn’t like a piece. That is the most valuable thing of all.

I think the cutting into the back thing is a little much. It's already clear that the hunchback hates Aksel.


I like the idea of the sheep... well, not like that... haha

You write chocking a lot. It should be, choking.


I like the idea and the current execution is fairly decent. Some nice ideas in there. There are some things that need to be clearer. I don't understand the Xbox controller significance. I don't understand why the robot was killing Bertha, I think her name was.

You should definitely put some work into this though. Try to get it down to 15 pages.

Good luck.

Thanks Dustin, thanks for the kind words and  constructive feedback.

It definately needs cutting, and I think I rushed it wanting to reveal it to the world, and there's no excuse for typos.  

The cutting into the back was my attempt to put some gore into the proceedings, maybe a bit much.

The Xbox controller was supposed to control the hacked sexbot; working with the Raspberry Pi that is wirelessly connected to the hidden computer in the toilets.

The autodoll 'Athena', her Q-chip was malfunctioning so she took Bertha 'molesting' her as an actual assault.

Your right, this really needs to be a 15 pager, I have a real issue trying to write short shorts. I sense a lot of culling coming.

'chocking' -

One thing I've learnt. Don't fully rely on Final Draft spellcheck.

Hey Matt,

This is my favorite of your works I have read. I liked the pacing and it being twisted and dark. I know it's a short but i wonder what happens after?? I would like to see more. I would actually like to see the full story to the extent of a blade runner type. Maybe a way to silence our perversions the church says are defective (by their doing) and make people again afraid to express selves sexually. Maybe more on Modo an occult stuff.

Enjoyed it. Want more!

Thanks for looking all 4 of my short scripts Clark.
I will definately return the favour.

Title is now 'Sex-Robot Report' rather than 'Sex-Robot Review'. I think it sounds better.