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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Thriller Scripts  ›  Whiteout on Route 89 - OWC
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  Author    Whiteout on Route 89 - OWC  (currently 3418 views)
Don
Posted: August 13th, 2016, 9:02am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Whiteout on Route 89 by LC writing as Taxi T. - Short, Thriller - A blizzard on Route 89 has dire consequences for a woman on the eve of her wedding day, and the taxi driver who gets her to confess all. 18 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  November 22nd, 2016, 10:21am
revised draft
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eldave1
Posted: August 13th, 2016, 10:21am Report to Moderator
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A very solid start to the challenge.

This one has a solid twist, compelling characters and a vivid location. Quite a good read.Well done, Good job, writer.

I have some nit comments - the both bothersome of which there were just a couple of spots where the dialogue was unnatural to my ear.

The nit issues:


Quoted Text
In the dying light, a car barrels down the road, gaining
speed, its fog-lights and head-lamps on high beam.


Why not just tell us it's a taxi rather than a car.


Quoted Text
A dome light on the carís roof switched to off
indicates the taxi is ENGAGED.


Really don't need this - we know from a few other things (the rolling neon letters, etc) that the Taxi is engaged.


Quoted Text
REG
Offerís there you want it. Iím told
Iím a very good listener.


Think you need an "if" before you


Quoted Text
EDIE
Sorry, when you didnít answer I
thought you were... Iím stuck. I
canít move.


Too OTN here and unnatural dialogue.  We know what she thought - she's going to say something like Thank God here


Quoted Text
EDIE
Oh God, what are we going to do? I
canít move. You canít move. And
look -


Again - IMO - way too OTN





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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: August 13th, 2016, 11:53am Report to Moderator
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Good use of location, nice set up. The characters are more or less believable.

For me, the ending let it down considerably. It was a solid drama effort, with a good connection between the two. The twist at the end felt tagged on, and rather than adding something really detracted from the core of the story, for me.

Whatever it was that he wanted to tell Rosie seemed strangely absent at the end and it undermined the script.
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Dustin
Posted: August 13th, 2016, 12:21pm Report to Moderator
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I liked the writing in this but then it all got a bit melodramatic at the end. I'd pass, but I think this could get produced.
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Cam Gray
Posted: August 13th, 2016, 3:03pm Report to Moderator
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Wow, really confused by this one.

First thing first, really well written. Kept me entertained throughout the entire piece, also well done on not going for a psycho taxi driver. I even felt something for the deer, personally I'd say it's the best written work I've come across so far.

Now, on the flip side, the twist at the end just didn't work for me. For some reason I assumed the twist would have been Reg was dead the whole time post crash (not sure that would have worked either), but it just didn't grab me.

This is definitely one of my favourites so far, everything worked but it just didn't nail the landing.

Well done

Cam


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Heretic
Posted: August 13th, 2016, 11:40pm Report to Moderator
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Definitely don't think the final twist added much.

Well paced, I thought, but felt like it was building to something that didn't quite materialize. I'd actually have been more interested to see the story play out straight -- an old man at the end of a long marriage dies while a young woman breaking off hers, lives. The characters were engaging together and I felt there was something to learn from the two of them that we didn't get to.

That's a bit vague, but I guess I just thought I was going to get more at the end than I did -- mostly because it was all quite good.


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Jeremiah Johnson
Posted: August 14th, 2016, 4:02am Report to Moderator
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At first I thought it was a lot of writing, but it was good writing so it didn't stop me.  In the end I liked it.  Budget was a bit high with the crash and all but still can work around those things.  Dialogue was good enough for me and believable.  For an OWC, not bad at all.  Like the twist at the end, it worked for me.  Good one.


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Dreamscale
Posted: August 14th, 2016, 11:14am Report to Moderator
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I have mixed feelings here, because there's alot here that's very well done, but there's also alot that is poorly done.  There is talent here, but maybe this was rushed...not fully developed?

Obviously a Brit, based on some wording.

Great setting with the snow.  Great stuff with the deer and its plight.  Great dialogue (for the most part) from Reg.

Poor use of Slugs throughout - some downright incorrect.  Poor dialogue after the crash, especially from Edie.  Story doesn't quite work and feels rather light to me.  Final twist doesn't hit home, because it just wasn't properly set up.  Also, it's overwritten and dense and reads like alot more pages than it actually is.

But, as I said, it's a mixed bag and in a week, there are going to be issues most of the time.  Here, the good outweighs the bad and this is one I'll remember...and that's saying something.

Grade - B

Good job.



To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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DanC
Posted: August 14th, 2016, 12:41pm Report to Moderator
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I pretty much agree with everyone.  

It's overwritten.  I'd say this person spends a lot of time prose writing and then decided to write a screenplay.  

The difference between the two is that writing novels is an orgy of words.  You start with a few, and by the end, you got thousands of them.  The more the merrier.

Screenwriting has been described as a duel of words with each word fighting for its right to exist on the page.  

Tone down the screen descriptions.  

Now, I get she was pinned.  But, I had wondered why she didn't freeze to death.  Reg died as expected.  She was gonna kill herself, so, you'd think that she'd have some way to do it.  Or she could have opened the window or something...

I actually think you could start with the accident and then make it more of a survival story.  

There's a good story here, just overwritten.

6/10

Dan

ps, is this the real route 89 near Ithaca, NY?  I've driven that quite a few times if it is.


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Thanks
Dan
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: August 14th, 2016, 3:16pm Report to Moderator
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I liked this up until the accident itself then I felt it lost something and added melodrama.

Some of the dialogue felt a little OTN and expositiony  but was a decent effort.

Would a vulture be out in a blizzard?


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
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EWall433
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I like this one a lot. Seemed like a straightforward drama til the twist at the end. I suspected something of that nature. The only thing I could think to add is what if Reg sacrificed himself somehow to save her. Maybe moving a bit too much to pass her a blanket or something. Might add a bit more bite to the end. But this is already pretty good.

I see some didn't like the twist at the end. The reason it worked for me was because I never really felt like I knew Edie. Everything I supposedly knew was just Reg projecting onto her. Edieís actual personality was barely there. With the twist though, it makes sense and finally fills out the character. Without the twist, Edie isn't really fleshed out. She's whatever Reg speculates she is, but never really expresses herself and is ultimately hard to connect to. This wouldn't have worked as well for me if it stayed straight drama. There simply wasn't enough to Edie for me to buy into the melodrama.
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Conz
Posted: August 15th, 2016, 11:43am Report to Moderator
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Small gripe, but how old was Reg when he got married, 15?
I noticed a lot of these scripts have prodding cab drivers.  Makes me thank my lucky stars that any driver Iíve ever had didnít bug me.  I canít stand small talk in real life.

This is dumb on my part probably, but I read ďpassenger seatĒ and think sheís riding in the co-pilot seat.  When I think about it though, it makes sense either way.  Iíd probably just say ďback seatĒ thought to avoid confusion from dipshits like myself.

Showing the crash takes this beyond ďlow budget.Ē  You could creatively just cut away or something there.  

Iíll admit, I donít even know what a car bonnet is.

Sleet already turned to snow, no need to repeat that line.

Something about this dialogue bugs me What about your two-way radio? Or a cell
phone. I got one, if only I could find my bag.

Iíd rather you just show he shuffling around clearly looking for her bag.

Also, thereís always a convenient ďcell doesnít workĒ angle to stories like thisÖ but itís necessary.  I miss the good olí days before cell phones for that.  You could get away with so much more in a story without having to tack the inevitable ďthe service here stinksĒ line.

Ok, nice little twist at the end.  I think maybe her story could have been told a little better, but thatís a nitpick.  I donít like the voiceover ďreminderĒ at the end.  You could have had Reg harp on that line a couple times during his dialogue along the way to really get it stuck in our brain.

Also, that newspaper headline is horrible.  Come on.  Donít end on that.

I feel like you could have come up with a more clever title.  Something with a double meaning/hint to it, but again, Iím nitpicking.  Not bad.


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Warren
Posted: August 15th, 2016, 7:58pm Report to Moderator
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Didnít love it, didnít hate it.

The writing was good and it was an easy read, although over written at times.

Found the dialogue towards the end over dramatic.

I think the deer alone would mean this isnít really low budget.

The in your face ending could have been handled better.

Good effort.


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StevenClark
Posted: August 16th, 2016, 9:02am Report to Moderator
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Writer,

Oh, you had me going with this till the end. I guess it just wasn't what I was expecting, or better said it didn't turn out the way I wanted, but that's me. The thing that bothered me the most was the newspaper headline at the end -- it's such an overused device and it took me out right there.

Your set up was good, I loved Reg's dialogue and could totally picture him and Edie. It was going smoothly, but something happened and I can't put my finger on it. A shift in Reg's dialogue maybe, or Edie's. Somewhere the shift just seemed abrupt, like changing the subject suddenly. I think if you would have kept them on there until speaking paths, and subtly made the changes you needed to make then you could have quietly handled Evie's reveal without that newspaper article. An A-Ha moment would have followed, and this story would've been great, IMO. Still, very good work!

Steve


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RichardR
Posted: August 16th, 2016, 1:57pm Report to Moderator
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Some notes

As with the others, the ending didn't work well.  I don't mind the crash, but I mind the last headline.  I would rather that info come out with Reg in the car with her.  And in fact, I think it would be more effective if he susses it out, and she makes a move that causes him to crash.  hmmmm

Best
Richard
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