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SimplyScripts
Posted: August 9th, 2017, 9:27pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Reset by Steven Clark - Short, Thriller - Gary thinks he has the quick fix to a failing relationship. Boy, is he wrong. 3 pages

production: Micro budget, 2 actors, 1 location. - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



Visit http://www.simplyscripts.com for what is new on the site.


-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
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Warren
Posted: August 9th, 2017, 9:58pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Steven,

SPOILERS - Maybe


Quoted Text
INT. BEDROOM - HOUSE - AFTERNOON


I generally move from the biggest location to the smallest in my slugs, personal preference would be:

INT. HOUSE - BEDROOM - AFTERNOON (Then again I only stick to DAY and NIGHT as well)

I didn't mind this one. I feel like it could have been a bit longer and fleshed out the characters a bit more.

Not sure how micro budget it would be? The head turning and the back panel seems like it might require some effects.

All the best.


To View All My Scripts Please Use The Link Below

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Dustin
Posted: August 10th, 2017, 3:23am Report to Moderator
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I like this and it does a job of entertaining, so you win... however, I think it could also use more. Maybe play around a little more with the male/female relationship thing. The fact that the female is the robot also makes this quite misogynistic so you could enhance that, or make in-jokes about it.

Anyway, just food for thought. It stands well on its own too. Good luck.
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khamanna
Posted: August 10th, 2017, 5:44am Report to Moderator
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I get the irony - the robot controls the man. Great twist - it's always the other way around and you decided to spin it.
One of the Jameson's finalists was about females selecting a male robot for themselves. You have a robot female - double whammy!
However, I'm not sure if the irony will be lost on screen. I mean make it clearer at the end - she's a controlling mind and she's a robot. I know it's clear at the end, but the punch doesn't work as intended for some reason. Maybe it would work better if it was longer.
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stevemiles
Posted: August 10th, 2017, 5:53pm Report to Moderator
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Steven,

I like the concept - a sex robot that's turned the tables on its human owner.  Gary sneaking off to get the screwdriver seemed like a good place to ratchet up the tension a notch more perhaps.

I think you could stand to expand this a bit more - it's a great scenario to play around with.  The irony alone...

Steve


My short scripts can be found here:


http://www.sjmilesscripts.webs.com
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Tyler King
Posted: August 10th, 2017, 6:10pm Report to Moderator
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STTTEEEEEEEEVAN...

lol sorry I always think of that Laura Clery comedian on Facebook as Helen trying to smash.

ANYWAYS.

This was pretty good. Very quick, fast paced... felt it could've had a little more though. Not sure what though.
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eldave1
Posted: August 10th, 2017, 7:06pm Report to Moderator
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Glad to see you got this up - reads good. Nice job


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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StevenClark
Posted: August 10th, 2017, 9:46pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Everyone - thanks for reading, and thanks to Don for posting!

Warren,

Glad this worked for you. Believe me, everything you've mentioned were on my mind as I wrote this. As for micro budget, I think a savvy director can open up an old radio and there's your control panel, and a couple well placed camera cuts can give the illusion of a head turning around. There ya go! Oh, the slugs. I figured it's proper to start in the location that you're currently in. Perhaps I'm wrong.

Dustin,

Glad you liked this. I get what you're saying. It's not meant to be misogynistic, and going forward I don't think I'll play up that angle, but might instead toy with some extras regarding the relationship to give this a little more depth.

Khamanna,

Understood. The reason why it doesn't work, I feel, is because it's too short, and there's a reason for that.

(Note: This was written for a director who wanted a three pager to film for an upcoming festival. he reached out to me, and this is what I came up with. So, the three pages was a necessity. However, I don't think this director will use it, so it'll free me up to add more to this story.)  

Also, this was my original idea for this past OWC. One I clearly should have went with!


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MarkItZero
Posted: August 11th, 2017, 1:01pm Report to Moderator
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Nice job, I flew through the read. The ending was a great twist. The idea of this guy trying to have complete control and it turning horribly the other way... I love that.

Have you seen Ruby Sparks? One of those stories where the main character "creates" a woman and the more he tries to control her, the more she slips away. It vaguely reminded me of that. I do think you could expand this, play around with the relationship a bit more. But I enjoyed it as a three-pager.


That rug really tied the room together.
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StevenClark
Posted: August 12th, 2017, 11:15am Report to Moderator
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Steve, Tyler,

Thanks for the reads and advice. Hopefully I'll get a little time next week to try and expand this a touch. I'll see what happens.

Dave,

Thanks for the initial notes on the dialogue. I took your advice in this version and, so far, no complaints!

James,

Thanks. Glad this worked for you. The consensus is pretty clear on expanding this.

Steve


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eldave1
Posted: August 12th, 2017, 11:21am Report to Moderator
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My pleasure - glad it helped


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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KevinL
Posted: Yesterday, 12:05am Report to Moderator
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Good heart- pumping start. Gary has a lot of explaining and thinking to do.

Hey Steven, it was a well written grab. I am sure there are more upsides to this when completed.
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