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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Thriller Scripts  ›  Clowning Around
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  Author    Clowning Around  (currently 699 views)
Don
Posted: February 11th, 2018, 6:54pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Clowning Around by Warren Duncan - Short, Thriller - John's retiring. It's time for the more important things in life to take priority. 6 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



Visit http://www.simplyscripts.com for what is new on the site.


-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
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Warren
Posted: February 11th, 2018, 7:01pm Report to Moderator
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So this was my entry for the Brave New World 2WC.

It is completely unchanged from how I entered it.

I decided to pull it last minute because it’s only 6 pages, the event affects a few unlucky people; it doesn’t change the course of history in any meaningful way, and the story is directly related to the event not set in a world moulded by it.

Love to hear some thoughts.

I think the event is relatively easy to pick.


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Revision History (1 edits)
Warren  -  February 11th, 2018, 7:34pm
Added another reason why I pulled it out of the 2WC.
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LC
Posted: February 11th, 2018, 10:56pm Report to Moderator
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Do you like to eat pie after a good movie?

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Um, I don't get it. The non-event, I mean.

Read it twice. Maybe I should have googled your super?

I'll wait and see if others twigged easily before I ask for more clarification.

SPOILERS BELOW







P.S. Considering what you said perhaps I'm still looking too 'big world'. Is it just what happens when a man retires and has too much time on his hands? Work kept his inner homicidal tendencies in check?


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Warren
Posted: February 11th, 2018, 11:41pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the read, I'll leave it for a bit just to see if anyone does get it then I'll say what it is.


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Dustin
Posted: February 12th, 2018, 5:22am Report to Moderator
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Action speaks louder than dialogue.

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Hums silently? Hums is fine, why modify it, and with something that is a complete contradiction? a hum is a noise... so not silence. You've even got HUMS in uppercase indicating that this is a sound effect. A hum is a specific type of sound that needs no more said about it - aside from the thing that is humming. That is all the description needed.

Code

Vacant eyes stare out at nothing.



'stare out at nothing' is pointless and not true. He's in a room filled with old furniture and a silently humming TV.

Code

A nineteen seventy Buick Riviera cruises down the freeway.



Freeway is in the slug. Use the opportunity to be more descriptive/tell a better story instead.

Code

It pulls into a parking lot of a large building, takes its place in a spot marked CEO.



'takes its place' throws me off a little here... as I can't figure out if this is an empty car park or there are other cars there. It's important.

Code

John smiles to himself.



Who else is there?

Code

John turns a switch and fluorescent lights flicker as they come to life.



'flicker to life' is enough. Perhaps use the word 'overhead' to explain where the lights are.

John turns a switch and overhead fluorescent lights flicker to life.

Code

OFFICE WORKERS suddenly appear from behind the partitions.



Try to never use 'suddenly' in a screenplay.

OFFICE WORKERS, wearing party hats, leap from behind the partitions.

OFFICE WORKERS
Surprise!

Code

Sue raises an eyebrow, licks her thumb, and wipes the remnants of red lipstick from John�s lip.



Drop 'the' from this action line. It's confusing. I scrolled back to the earlier description of John to see if he had lipstick on his lip and he doesn't. So this has clearly happened without us seeing, which is fine... it makes more sense without 'the' as the lipstick mark hadn't been previously established.

Code

SUE
(smiling)
Someone got lucky last night.



Ah, so the lipstick mark was already there and not something that happened between cuts. Very confusing. Here is where you describe John:

Code

JOHN, 60, overweight and unshaven, joyfully taps a finger on the steering wheel as MUSIC fills the car.



Where's the lipstick?
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Warren
Posted: February 12th, 2018, 5:44am Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the read.

Agree with some of the points, disagree with others, will make changes accordingly.

Wasn't sure how to handle the lipstick. I don't want it seen when he is first introduced, as in we only see one side of his face or it's obscured somehow. I only wanted it to be seen for the first time by the reader/veiwer when the woman sees it. I thought by leaving it out it would indicate that to a filmmaker, potentially a better way to do it.


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Dustin
Posted: February 12th, 2018, 5:51am Report to Moderator
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Action speaks louder than dialogue.

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My initial assumption was that John was kissed in between where the workers jump out and we cut to Sue and the champagne. For a moment, John is out of shot. I think describing the lipstick from the outset will be just as mysterious to the viewer than attempting a delay that may end up confusing instead.
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Warren
Posted: February 12th, 2018, 6:00am Report to Moderator
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I'll work it in to the initial description.


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Stumpzian
Posted: February 12th, 2018, 6:58am Report to Moderator
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Somebody named John...born in 1943...from Chicago...picks up a young man while dressed as Pogo...kills kid...John is overweight...



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Warren
Posted: February 12th, 2018, 7:06am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Stumpzian
Somebody named John...born in 1943...from Chicago...picks up a young man while dressed as Pogo...kills kid...John is overweight...


I did say it should be pretty easy to pick.


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LC
Posted: February 12th, 2018, 7:51am Report to Moderator
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Do you like to eat pie after a good movie?

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SPOILERS, AGAIN:



Okay, John Wayne Gacy?

Too obscure for me.  I obviously don't know enough about serial killers. Born 1942, according to Wikipedia.


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Fausto
Posted: February 12th, 2018, 11:02am Report to Moderator
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I like the script...clever!
My best,
Fausto
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eldave1
Posted: February 12th, 2018, 1:20pm Report to Moderator
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Warren: Gave it a read.

Format. style, pace, etc,etc. -  all fine by me.

SPOILERS

Okay - I figured out who the person was, but pretty sure I would have not absent this being in the framework of the 2WC. The point being, if it is important for the reader to know who this actually was, I'm not sure they're going to figure it out in a vacuum. So you may need a few more signposts in that regard.

So, it's what would happen if Gacy wasn't caught. The answer the story provides is that more boys would have been murdered. I don't think that is enough to carry a story. For example, if someone with impact would have been killed (e.g., a young Obama, etc.) or if the city would have been fundamentally changed somehow (kind of like the panic in the long run Atlanta child killing spree - Williams I think was the culprit)  - okay. Or - even if Gacy himself somehow self reformed/saw the light and was now actually doing real charity work as Pogo - or ran for Mayor.

Point being, in order for the story to really land,  I think the impact of the event (i.e, Gacy not being caught) has to be something other and/or more than the continuation of the murders.

Hope that makes sense. Best of luck with this.





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Warren
Posted: February 12th, 2018, 3:36pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the reads, Libby, Fausto, and Dave.

Thanks for the catch on the date, LC. I've never been great at maths.

Glad you enjoyed it, Fausto.

Agree 100%, Dave. That is essentially the reason I pulled it from the 2WC. It really doesn’t have enough impact on events and doesn’t have much punch.

I did enjoy writing it though, was a fun one.


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eldave1
Posted: February 12th, 2018, 3:52pm Report to Moderator
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My pleasure. Your stuff is always a good read


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