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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Thriller Scripts  ›  Devlin And The Clown
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  Author    Devlin And The Clown  (currently 501 views)
Don
Posted: February 20th, 2018, 5:23pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Devlin And The Clown by Daniel Walker - Short, Thriller - A young man has an unexpected meeting with a clown, who turns out to be a serial killer. 7 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  March 11th, 2018, 1:20pm
revised draft
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khamanna
Posted: February 21st, 2018, 10:58am Report to Moderator
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I'd say the guy is creepy, asking all those personal questions like that for whatever reason. and it's kind of silly to ask a clown why he's dressed as a clown. It's because he's a clown.

I also think their conversation could be more interesting and fun, especially if there's a lot of it. otherwise they sound too matter-of-factly.
It's very well written though imo and reads fast
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DanielW
Posted: March 12th, 2018, 9:35pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Khamanna,

Thanks for the feedback.
(I didn’t realise this story was put on a thread, so apologies for the delay)

Thinking that this story went astray, I’ve revised it slightly, including the ending.
Don said he’ll put it up next week. Fingers crossed.

Again, thanks for reading.

DW
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Don
Posted: March 12th, 2018, 10:13pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The latest version of this script received was posted yesterday.

- Don


Visit http://www.simplyscripts.com for what is new on the site.


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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
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DanielW
Posted: March 15th, 2018, 5:11am Report to Moderator
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Thank you, Don.
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Flossy Freeman
Posted: March 22nd, 2018, 3:09pm Report to Moderator
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I enjoyed the read, but for such a short "thriller", I think a bit more subtext, layering, or setups would have helped "WOW" the reader at the end, rather than just think, "huh".  Since this isn't a dating situation, you could let the "crazy" out of the can a little sooner as well.
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DanielW
Posted: March 22nd, 2018, 3:53pm Report to Moderator
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Flossy,

I appreciate the feedback.

Thank you.

DW
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Kirsten
Posted: March 25th, 2018, 8:11am Report to Moderator
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Hey Daniel

Good writing and cool.. a creepy clown in the mirror in a public bathroom set up. I like it.

The dialogue was a bit on the nose.

I like that he said he was scared of clowns and I wanted more of that. I think if you showed more fear of the clown in the bathroom, show his true phobia of clowns like it's an issue in his life,  it would add to the story and make the ending stand out as even weirder. I would probably call this a horror myself...

Keep at it!


"Turn that off, our friend has just been killed in a fatal sunlight accident!"....

'What we do in the Shadows.'
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DanielW
Posted: March 26th, 2018, 10:06pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Kirsten,
Thanks for the feedback.

It was my first attempt at a ‘creepy clown’ story.

Originally, I actually had a the clown in the bathroom at the end, but it was too predictable.

A Kiwi in Ohio?? Interesting!!!

DW
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colkurtz8
Posted: April 14th, 2018, 5:07am Report to Moderator
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Dan

This was an odd one. Devlin’s initial reaction to seeing a clown in the bathroom staring at him was rather too casual so that I suspected something was up. Their conversation didn’t sound natural, very stilted and just not how people talk, creepy scenario or not. Granted, this makes a little more sense knowing the ending but it also raises those immediate suspicions which is an issue. I think you need to work on those exchange to conceal this more.

The twist of both of them being the same person is weak, cliché and frankly doesn’t make a whole lot of sense. They plot device of “Ah, but it’s all in their head” usually feels lazy to me unless it’s given a thorough and originally angled treatment a la Fight Club. I understand, this is only an 8 page script impossible to get too deep into it but we know nothing about Devlin, he’s portrayed as an average guy, seemingly normal, then bam, you just reveal the fact that he has, not only serious mental issues; but is indiscriminately killing people as well. WTF?

I appreciate you are going for a shock ending but if it’s tacked on solely for that reason without any build up or development within the fabric of the story and character, it’s a problem, feels cheap.

There is the seed of something interesting here but as of now, it’s half baked and needs a lot more consideration and fleshing out, in my opinion. Best of luck with it.

Col.


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