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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Thriller Scripts  ›  Lure
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Don
Posted: June 11th, 2018, 4:44pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Lure by Adam Nadworniak - Short, Thriller - A virtual kidnapping and a motherís five hours of hell. 14 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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MatthewLincoln
Posted: October 2nd, 2018, 8:30pm Report to Moderator
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Adam,

I just read "Lure" and I like it. The premise is pretty cool, and I like the twist at the end. I think you really captured the panic the Mother was feeling over the thought that her daughter was kidnapped. It felt believable. I also liked the dialogue between Wendy and Sinner Man. There are a couple of spelling errors that you might want to check out. I forgot which page, but give it a read-though. The only thing is that you probably don't need the title of the film on page one.  

As far as the quote at the beginning, I'm torn. If you're presenting it on screen, you'll need to use OVER BLACK: then the quote( I had a separate page for my quote so that may not be definitive. Just something I noticed). Also, you might not need to have so many "CUT TO:" transitions.

Ultimately, it was a cool idea and I think it has potential. Great job.

Matthew Lincoln

P.S. I wrote a script, Inescapable, in the Short Sci-Fi category. It's 23 pages long and it's influenced by The Terminator. I'd appreciate some feedback. Thanks.

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